Thanks!

I just have to say that you guys are great. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. And it is so great to hear from some new people (not that I want anyone to have to go through infertility) - I will do my best to keep up with each and every one of you as you also go through this (I really need to update my blog list as I read a lot more than what is listed there). It is my feeling that we need all the support we can get, so I will try to be there for you as much as you've been there for me.

To answer Watson, it is kinda exciting to be starting this process. There are times that I just stop and think - wow, I'm actually going through with this! I never thought I would do IVF (because of the financial risk) until the time came that it was my only option in getting pregnant. We talk a lot in my support group on how our minds change when it comes to certain things the further along in this journey we go.

Anyway, thanks to everyone. I truly appreciate your support.

Picture

I thought I would take a picture of all of the drugs and needles that I received the other day to show all that's involved. The only drug missing is the Gonal-F b/c it's still in the fridge. This all seems like so much! Just a tad overwhelming!

A little update on some things

Regarding the decision on what to do with any embryos we may not use… for the scenario in which 5 years go by and we don’t use the embryos, we choose to give them to research…for the scenario in which both of us die, we choose to give them up for adoption. I just couldn’t decide, so I left it up to my husband to decide and this is what he came up with. I’m happy with this decision – though we may change our mind in the future. One thing that Nickie said in a comment to this post is something that my husband also said – giving the embryos to research may help a larger amount of women to get pregnant rather than allowing adoption. And I think I am leaning more toward research than adoption for that very reason. I assume that we will use any embryos that we make, but just in case we don’t, I think we will have them go to research.

To Jessie who commented on a prior post. I was completely nervous the first time I went to acupuncture (because of the needles), but also a little excited (because of the positive things I’ve heard it can do). I started going back in October 2005, but stopped around the last IUI because I wanted to save any remaining visits covered by my insurance for when we did IVF (as it turns out, my acupuncturist miscounted and I used up all my visits). So here I am again…going back to acupuncture. It’s been a while, so I hope my body will be o.k. with it again, but we’ll see. If you want to read more about my experience going for acupuncture for the first time, you can go here.

And thanks to Lara for giving me permission to ask questions about the injectables – I may take you up on that! Speaking of, I was going through my package last night and looked at the Lupron 2-week kit that I got, and there’s one tiny little vial in there. My initial thought was that this cannot be it. One little tiny vial that was 1/3 full? So I started to freak out a little bit that they hadn’t sent me all of the Lupron, but then I thought about the injections class earlier and how we barely used any of the liquid in each shot, so although, it doesn’t look like much, it will probably last. Still, I wasn’t so sure, so I e-mailed my nurse last night (still haven’t heard from her) and I called the pharmacy this morning and spoke to a pharmacist – he told me that they get this question all the time (why don’t they put a note in the box then?) and said that although it doesn’t look like much, it should be enough for 28 doses. Aaah, some relief.

A couple of you also mentioned heating pads for when the IM shots come around – the nurse yesterday also mentioned this, as did those in my support group. I will definitely be doing this – especially with those progesterone shots – I heard that they can hurt really like a . Oh, and those Gonal-F pens are so cool. I wish that they could all be so easy! I guess that’s why those pens were the most expensive drugs I got ($2200 out of the $3200 I paid) – now I know why the nurse chose the pharmacy based on the cost of these pens!

And some good news today – a "real-life" friend of mine found out her donor egg cycle worked!!! Yay!!!

Injections Class & More

Just wanted to give a little update on my appointment today. The injections class was just us, so that was nice. She told us that they think that the woman should give her own subcutaneous (sp?) shots as it would be easier for her to grab a hold onto the skin better, or something. So it looks like I'm going to do those on my own at least. However, she and another nurse both said it would be o.k. if we waited until 10 to do the shots, but we shouldn't go too much after that. So I might, at least for the first few shots, wait until my husband came home just so I can have some kind of support when I do it. My husband would have to do the IM shots though.

After that was the bloodwork (as usual, I felt like a guinea pig or science experiment or something since two of the assistants had to confer on how best to get my blood with my teeny tiny veins) and then the papsmear. The doctor also did some other test to determine how far back to put the embryos when it comes to that time and something else that I'm not exactly clear on. There was quite a bit of cramping afterward, but everything is fine now.

Anyway, that's all. The first shot of Lupron will be next Tuesday night! Eek! And also eek, another $500 spent today since the stuff today isn't covered under the shared risk program!

Decisions, Decisions

One of the things that we are required to do before we start with IVF is fill out some consent forms stating that we understand the risks and what’s involved, etc. This also includes what we want to do with any embryos that are not used during the fresh IVF cycle. We, of course, want to freeze them as we will have 3 FETs that we can do under the shared risk program. Well, one of the forms asks what we want to do with the frozen embryos should we not need them anymore or should either of us die or should we get a divorce. My husband and I are considering two of the choices – either giving the embryos up for adoption or giving the embryos to researchers. I’m leaning both ways so I don’t know which one to choose. I feel like I should give other people a chance to adopt the embryos and thus, have their own family, but would that be too weird knowing that there are children out there that are biologically related to us? On the other hand, I feel like I can do some good by allowing researchers to have them, but I also feel bad about this. I guess even though I am pro-choice, the last thing I want to do is to destroy life – but when does life begin? I feel like I have a much different perspective after going through infertility than I had before. I don’t know what decision to make. I hate that I have to make these choices. I don’t want to make these choices. I’m afraid of making the wrong one.

If anyone is willing to share, what would or did you decide with this issue?

Random Stuff

I thought I wouldn't have anything to say until tomorrow, but I do have some things.

1) The drugs arrived at my desk about an hour ago. Usually packages arrived earlier than that, so I was a little nervous about it and called the pharmacy to make sure it was shipped out and delivered. Of course, some of the drugs need to be refrigerated. You wanna know where I put them? In one of the fridges that everyone on this wing and floor uses... So there in the fridge sits a big silver package with a sticker on it that says "medications - need to be refrigerated" (or something like that). I tried to fit it in my boss' fridge, but the package was too big! The package took up one entire shelf. I suppose I could have taken the medicines out of the bag, but I'd rather wait until I got home to do that. So, umm, to my friends who are coming over this weekend, when you go to get a drink, you'll see my drugs sitting there in the fridge along with everything else. :-)

2) I know I've only been on BCPs for a little over a week, but I thought they would have cleared up skin by now rather than make it break out even more. I actually had a coworker say to me - "you're breaking out". What? Really? I had no idea and thanks for pointing that out btw. That doesn't make me feel self-conscious at all. You know, that reminds me. Back when I was in high school, an aunt said to me "when you're older, you won't have acne and your freckles will disappear or become lighter". LIAR!!! I think my freckles are darker (and there are more of them) and acne, no matter how much I clean my face, will always be with me, it seems. I actually like my freckles now - I didn't so much when I was younger.

3) It may seem strange to some of you to hear that a person who is afraid of needles to go ahead and schedule an acupunture appointment, but I did. For some reason, I don't fear the acupuncture needles nearly as much as the needles that contain medicine or take my blood. It was a little nervous at first, but I got used to the acupuncture needles. My next acupuncture appointment is next Wednesday night.

4) Speaking of needles, I have to have my blood taken tomorrow. I hate giving my blood. I'm sure I've mentioned it at one point or another how giving blood for me is a really painful time since they always have a hard time finding a vein to take blood from, and sometimes have to resort to taking blood from the vein on my hand. We'll see how it goes tomorrow. My husband also have to give some blood tomorrow - he is a lot better at the blood letting than I am.

Good Quote

I really like this quote as it pertains to infertility.

"Were it possible for us to see further than our knowledge reaches, and yet a little way beyond the outworks of our divining, perhaps we would endure our sadnesses with greater confidence than our joys. For they are the moments when something new has entered into us, something unknown; our feelings grow mute in shy perplexity, everything in us withdraws, a stillness comes, and the new, which no one knows, stands in the midst of it and is silent."

- Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke - found in the current book I'm reading, A Little Pregnant by Linda Carbone and Ed Decker

Spending some $$$

Earlier today, I got a confusing e-mail from the nurse at my new clinic. She said that she put the order into the pharmacy for the drugs I would be needing for this IVF cycle. I hadn't told her which pharmacy to use yet, but she went and decided for me based on this particular pharmacy's cost of Gonal-F (links provided for those of my family/friends who are curious what these drugs do).

Anyway, she also e-mailed me to tell me that my doctor wants to start me on Parlodel right away - as soon as I get the drugs, I must start it. I hadn't heard of this one at all - it turns out it is to reduce the level of prolactin I produce. My previous RE had me take a drug for this too. My prolactin levels have been slightly elevated in the past.

So the order went to this particular pharmacy - neither of which were ones I was considering, but oh well. The order is coming to my work tomorrow - the order of 9 different drugs that I will be taken over the course of this whole cycle. Yes, the number of drugs does intimidate me. I am sufficiently nervous about this. One of the drugs is a suppository that I have to take 2 hours before transfer - that should be so much fun.

So after we get the order taken care of, or so I thought, I go on with my day...until I get a phone call from the pharmacy saying that my credit card declined to pay the cost of the drugs (a whopping $3200 - I'm actually a little relieved by this amount since I was informed it could go up to $7500 - though it's not like I want to spend that kind of money on things that will hurt me - but it will all be worth it in the end, right?). So I called my credit card company and fixed the issue using their annoying automated system, then call the pharmacy back and the charge went through this time. I should have known to call the credit card company first - I did mean too, but I wasn't expecting the drugs to be ordered now - and I think the only reason they were is because I need to start on Parlodel right away.

Such fun. I kinda wish tomorrow was Wednesday because I want to go to that injections teaching class and ask about the timing of the shots, but I really wish I could skip the bloodwork and the pap smear though.

It is really nice that a couple of my friends offered to give me the shots if I wanted them too, and a couple of my support group buddies have offered before too. If I have to, I'm going to try to do it on my own. My husband would like to do it though so he can feel more involved in the whole process, but we'll see what the nurse says on Wednesday.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'll share more info after my appointment on Wednesday!

A Few Good Eggs Mini Review

I just finished reading A Few Good Eggs by Maureen Regan and Julie Vargo...though I have to admit that I skimmed over certain sections that didn't pertain to my current situation (like secondary infertility or life after infertility). It is certainly not one of my favorite books on infertility that I've read, and sometimes the authors annoyed me with their stories and how often they repeated the same story over and over again.

Bottom Line: It was a good book, but there are certainly better ones out there.


Now, I'm going to read A Little Pregnant by Linda Carbone and Ed Decker. Anyone read that book?

Acupuncture?

I think I might have asked about this before, but I'm considering going back to do some acupuncture very soon. I will have to pay for it all out of pocket since I used up all of my 20 visits already this year. The binder I got from my clinic the other day says that acupuncture can help with those going through IVF, and I did like going. What do you guys think? Is acupuncture worth it?

Answers

To answer Nickie - I'm not sure yet how much stims I'll be taking. The doctor was still trying to figure that part out - I'll know probably by next week what it will be - at least I hope so.

Oh, and also, I have a big needle-phobia. I could probably do it myself - though I'd really prefer not to. I will have them show me what to do next week if that's what we end up doing.

And completely off topic, I'm at home because the cable guy was just here and he was checking all the stations out to make sure they worked and he landed on Tyra Banks' show. She is so incredibly annoying. If they could get rid of her on America's Next Top Model (or at least make her stop talking and try to act)- that show would be a lot better. Did anyone watch that show last night? Her acting like a big diva was just over the top!

IVF #1 Calendar

September 16 – Start BCPs
September 26 - Start Parlodel
September 27 – Bloodwork & Injection Teaching Class
October 3 – Start Lupron (until told to stop) & Doxycycline (for 7 days)
October 4 - Acupuncture appointment
October 7 – Last BCP
October 10 – Suppression Check
October 14 – Start Stim meds & Decrease Lupron
October 16 – CD3 Bloodwork @7:45 a.m.
October 18 – CD5 Bloodwork and US @ 7:45 a.m.
October 20 - CD7 US and Bloodwork @ 7:15 a.m.
October 21 – CD8 Bloodwork and US @ 9:00 a.m.
October 21 - Acupuncture appointment @ 10:00 a.m.
October 23 – Egg Retrieval @ 6:45 a.m.
October 28 – Embryo Transfer @ 11:30 a.m.
November 7 – Beta @ 7:30 a.m. 476!!!
November 10 - Beta @ 8:15 a.m. 1898!!!
November 27 - Ultrasound @ 2 p.m.

The Binder Visit

I went to meet with the nurse again to go over the calendar and what she called a binder visit. It's quite a bit of information! The biggest piece of information is when everything is going to happen and how much of the drugs I will have to take each day. One of the questions that I should have asked but didn't is the time of day these shots have to be done. On the calendar, the nurse has between 7-9 p.m. which would be o.k. if my husband wasn't in class starting this Monday until 9:30 p.m. I need to ask the nurse if doing the shots at 10 would be o.k. or I may have to do them myself which would suck (even more than this whole thing sucks to begin with). Does anyone know if doing the shots a little later would be a problem or not? I wouldn't think it would make that much difference, but I don't know for sure.

Also, does anyone have any recommendations on which pharmacy to use? The clinic recommended IVP Care. I've used MDR in the past and they seemed alright. I need to do some comparisons to find out which one would be better and hopefully still inexpensive.

I was going to put a calendar of when everything happens off to the side, but I can't seem to figure out how to make it look nice and neat. I'll continue to work on that when I have time, but in the meantime, I'll just put the calendar in a separate post and link to the post off to the side.

You Know What...

I realized something this morning. Why am I still taking my temperature every morning? I really don't need to do that anymore, so this morning was the last time I will take my temperature (at least when it comes to ttc). I should have done this a long time ago, but it just became habit.

Cute Story

This story posted on BigP and Me's blog is so cute!

Blech...

I woke up this morning feeling like crap. I had the hugest headache and I felt a great need to throw up. I so much wanted to call in sick today, but I’m afraid to use my sick days because I might need them during the whole IVF process. And I don’t have a lot of vacation time left – the remaining time I have I’m trying to save for Christmas (though I am taking a half day tomorrow since my tv and DVR do not want to work properly and I’m having Com*cast come out and fix the problem since we were unable to fix it ourselves or with the help of Com*cast over the phone).

Anyway, so after I took a shower and took some Advil, the headache has gone away, so then did the nausea. I still feel a little icky though. My sister seems to think it could be the BCPs, which it could be, I suppose. I started taking them again on Saturday after almost 5 years of not taking them. And the last time I took them, my doctor had to change the type of birth control I was taking because the “normal” kind caused me to have high blood pressure. I do wonder if these ones might do the same thing – when I go in for my “binder visit” this afternoon, I plan to ask the nurse about this. However, regarding my headache and nausea, I was just reading, via Dr. Google, that after 3 months, most women do not have as much side effects as they did in the first 3 months. I do plan to ask the nurse about this too though. Maybe I should be on another kind of pill?

Well, that’s all for now. I’m sure I’ll write more after my visit with the nurse today.

IVF # 1 is starting

So AF arrived today, so I will soon be starting on those BCPs again. I need to go pick those up from the pharmacy tomorrow and the nurse said to start them on Saturday (instead of Sunday like she had told me previously).

Also, she wants me to come in for a "binder visit" to go over the calendar for this cycle. So on Wednesday of next week, that's what I'll be doing.

It's exciting and scary that it is all starting to happen.

33...and 1 Day

So...here I am at 33 years old. I never thought I would be where I am at this age - apparently, not everything goes according to plan.

Last night, I went to pick up Jon and we went off to dinner at Daniel's Broiler. We decided to splurge, for probably the last time in a long time due to IVF, and go to a fancy, schmancy place for dinner. I had thought we might just BBQ some steaks at home, but a coworker kept talking about this place because she was taking her husband there for his birthday. So I asked Jon if he wanted to go there, and it didn't take much for him say yes since he liked the last time he went there for a bachelor party.

Before we even get into the restaurant, Jon said he had a present for me. He pulled it out of his backpack and showed me a white box - a white box that held a white coffee cup with some little chocolates inside - the coffee cup said HHMI or something like that on it. Now, not that I don't like chocolate and him getting me a cup, but it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. :-D

So we go to the restaurant and get seated right away and the hostess asked us if we were celebrating anything, and I told her. She must have told the waiter because he said happy birthday to me when he came by. The food there was so yummy - the steak was really good and the mashed potatoes were really good. Later, the waiter (who was really friendly) came by with a dessert with a candle in it. It was a really nice dinner. I enjoyed it.

After dinner, we came back home (kitties were very excited because they could finally have their dinner) and Jon informed me that there was something in our kitty 'skyscraper'. It was the 2nd season of Lost!!! I don't know how those kitties did it, but that was certainly nice of them to get me that or were they hiding for themselves since it was in the house on their skyscraper? ;-D

Anyway, despite feeling a little on the depressed side yesterday, my birthday turned out very well.

I've Been Tagged

Alli tagged me with a meme in which she gave 4 words I am to respond quickly to...

1) Helmet - that band. I don't really listen to them or have any idea what they sing, but I know my husband has a CD of theirs.

2) Snug - as a bug in a rug. I wish I was snug as a bug in a rug in my blankets at home reading a good book.

3) Pink - Ribbons. The first thing I thought of are those ribbons that they have for breast cancer. I have a pin somewhere my sister gave me. I used to keep it on my purse, but it kept falling off.

4) Stick of Butter - Yummy. Just think of all the things you use butter for - cookies, toast, popcorn, etc.

Okay, now who to tag...

I don't know who to tag!

How about...(sorry if you've already been tagged)...

1) Vanilla Dreams
2) Maybe...Baby...Someday...Maybe
3) Bad Robot!
4) Our IVF Journey


And my four words are...

1) Chocolate
2) Time
3) Drink
4) State

Dreams & Another Year Older

I had the best dream last night – I was the happiest I have felt in such a long time. What made me so happy? I was pregnant. I was looking in the mirror and saw myself several months along. I was sad when I woke up and had to come back to reality. It reminds me of one of the episodes of The 4400 I saw a while back in which one of the main characters wanted to stay in this fantasy world because that is where her daughter was even if that meant that she would die in her real life. She was so happy there – she didn’t want to leave. I can understand.


As I was driving into work this morning, a song came on the radio called “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. This song – every time I hear it, one part of it makes me think of the way I would feel the first time I saw my baby , and it made me cry this morning. We were talking in my support group last night how tired we all are for feeling sad all the time; for getting angry at something so small; and for feeling bitter about the world and maybe a bit cynical. It’s been nearly 5 years since we starting trying. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, and I want to feel happy, but it is just so hard right now. I want my dream to come true.

For my birthday, my husband and I are going out to dinner to this really nice steakhouse in Seattle called Daniel's Broiler. I've heard so many good things about it, so hopefully, it hasn't been overhyped and hopefully, the cost is worth it.

Semi-Venting

You know what sucks about having people you know in "real-life" read this blog? You have no place to vent some of the things you're feeling and thinking (well, except at support group). At any other point in my life, when I didn't have all these emotions bubbling at the service, this wouldn't have bothered me (it is something so petty). After all, it could be seen as my fault, but I guess it goes back to my post from yesterday and what I was saying there. At least, that is the way I feel right now.

That's all I'm going to say about that.


Another thing that is bothering me now is something that really hit a chord with me at my support group meeting tonight. One of the women was mentioning getting close to what her due date would have been had the IVF been successful and continued that way, and it got me to thinking of where I would be had any of my IUIs worked. I could have a 1 year old if the first one had worked. I would have been due in January had the 2nd one worked. I would have been due in April had the 3rd one worked. I hadn't thought about that until now, but I KNOW that when we do our first IVF cycle and I see those embryos - if that doesn't work, that due date will be something I won't be able to forget. After all, seeing those embryos, those are your babies. It will be all the more devastating if it doesn't work then.

Anyway, I should get ready for bed. What a great note to go to bed with, huh?

What?

So I got this e-mail this morning out of the blue from this woman who says that she is 3 months pregnant and is looking for a home for her baby. She already has 3 children aged 14-17 and she's 33. Just a very strange and unexpected e-mail.

UPDATE: To answer some questions - it was just some random e-mail. I don't know this person at all.

No Title For This Post

There's nothing like having to explain yourself to people on the reason why you weren't going to the baby shower, which is what happened in the vanpool this morning. Speaking of, I saw the pictures of the baby and OMG, so cute and so tiny! I'm so looking forward to having a baby of my own.

You know another thing that annoys me - why do people when they are talking about the biological parents of an adopted child say "the real mother" or "the real father". The people that are raising this child do exist - they are real. I know what people mean when they say that, but it drives me crazy!

On another topic (and this might be a little TMI for some people) - I thought for sure that my temp would drop today and just in time for my birthday, AF would arrive, but it stayed up. Hmm, it will probably drop tomorrow with AF arriving on Thursday. Oh, and speaking of the imminent arrival of AF, the nurse at the clinic still hasn't responded to me. I guess since I'm not actually in the middle of a cycle, they could care less.

More Rollercoaster of Emotions

I'm not sure if it's remembering the events of 9/11, or the vanpool girl having her baby, or PMS, or anxiety over our first IVF cycle or what, but this afternoon, I just couldn't be at work anymore. I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball and just cry. And when I got home, that's exactly what I did. I can't stand feeling this way. I have no motivation for work at all, which is really unfortunate timing since I have plenty of work to do. Oh, and my birthday is coming up on Wednesday - I'll be 33 years old. I never thought I would still be childless at 33, but then again, I never thought I'd ever do IVF and here I am, about to start on that journey of this IF rollercoaster.

What is wrong with me? Am I ever going to get out of this funk?

I've been watching Ellen DeGeneres' show since it started the new season last week, and she's been talking about making a life list - writing things down that you want to accomplish in your life. It's got to be pretty obvious what #1 is for me right now. One of the things that one of the guests mentioned putting on her list is "being able to say no without feeling guilty" and that got me thinking of a conversation I had with a coworker today as she was planning her husband's birthday party. She and I are very similar though she is 7 years younger than me - both of us feel like we need to please everyone all the time. We feel like we have to include everyone in everything though sometimes that just won't work. And we want to be considerate of others though sometimes they don't give us the same consideration (though sometimes people surprise us. I just got a birthday card from the last person I would have expected to remember my birthday and it isn't because he's inconsiderate (just the opposite, actually) - I just didn't think he would remember because we see each other maybe once or twice a year.)


Is that a flaw in our personalities? Both of us expressed desire in not wanting to be this way because being this way causes us pain sometimes. I guess that's why I feel guilt over not going to a friend's baby shower or not inviting this or that person to something I'm planning.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I need to go listen to some music that makes me happy and despite myself, that Justin Timberlake song "Sexy Back" is fun to listen to as is Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man" (which is currently my cell phone ring tone) (she really does have a good voice). Ha - "Sexy Back" just came on MTV! Nice timing!

yet another topic

Has anyone reading this ever read this book called A Few Good Eggs: Two Chicks Dish on Overcoming the Insanity of Infertility? If so, what did you think of it? I think I've read a blog post about this book somewhere - I can't remember where though.

I just started reading it last night, and so far, it seems o.k.

In Other News...

The woman in my vanpool had her baby over the weekend (6 weeks early) - a tiny thing at 4 pounds ?? ounces. So if I even thought about going to the baby shower this Friday, I guess I wouldn't be now (though strangely, they haven't cancelled it, so I guess they are going to still throw it without the pregnant woman there).

Remembering...

It's been 5 years since the attacks on 09/11/01 and I remember first learning about it and how horrifying it was to watch what was happening on tv and listening to the coverage on the radio. I don't know why, but I can't help but watch the coverage from 5 years ago on cnn.com. It just upsets me - I don't know why I watch it. I don't know why I keep reading articles about that day either. It is not as if I don't remember that day detail by detail in my mind anyway - do I really need to watch the reminder on cnn.com?

It was just an awful, awful day. I pray for those who died and for those who lost loved ones.

Bye-bye money

Well, the bank issue was resolved and we got a cashier's check yesterday to send to the shared risk people. We sent the package to them overnight, but since we got the FedEx place a little late, they won't get the package until Monday. Whew! At least that part is done.

So I e-mailed the nurse at the clinic yesterday to ask about the timing of everything and she still hasn't got back to me. This isn't making me feel calm about the whole thing - what if when I finally need to e-mail her to call in the BCP prescription, she isn't checking her e-mail then either? Of course, because of her lack of response now, I plan to call as well, but she told me to e-mail her. I'm sure they're pretty busy and I know I'm not the only patient, but it is still making me anxious (I know, everything does these days).

More Kitty Pics That I Had to Share

Lola mentioned in a comment to my last post her kitty carries a plastic cat-toy around in his mouth, so it reminded me of Oliver carrying this beanie baby owl around everywhere and I swear it seems like he is talking to it. The other night he actually woke me up with all his meowing and I got up and he was near the owl. Since I never can catch him carrying the owl around, I just took a picture with him near the owl. I actually put his paw around the owl to make it even cuter. :-D



I also wanted to share this picture of Sophie. You might be able to see Sophie's eyes in there. Sophie loves to hang out in boxes and bags and what could be better than a bag in a box?

Sophie & Oliver

Sophie & Oliver
Originally uploaded by heathercim.

Per a request, here is a picture of my cute kitties. Oliver is the tuxedo kitty and Sophie is the big fluffy kitty (she's not fat - she's big-boned - the vet said). :-D

They are sitting by their bed in the hallway (sometimes they sleep in it - not at the same time though - most of the time, they sleep with us in our bed) - a shirt of my husband lays in the bed that was most likely dragged there by Oliver. He likes to carry some of our dirty laundry around.

As if I needed this additional stress...

Yesterday, after work, I went to the bank in order to get a cashier’s check to send to the shared risk people. The money from our loan was supposed to be in our savings account, but it wasn’t. The bank tried calling the loan officer we spoke to last week (he’s at a different branch), but they had issues with their phone line, so I offered to call. I went outside the building as I wasn’t getting reception inside to call the loan guy. Well, the extension number I was given wasn’t working. I tried the bank’s main number and got transferred to the guy’s voice mail, or so I thought. I stood there listening to several moments of silence before I hung up and told the lady inside the bank I would just try the next day. So I called the loan guy this morning and actually got his voice mail. He called me back to say that it was his fault that the money hadn’t been placed into savings on Tuesday as it was supposed to (at first, he acted all confused and I got the feeling even last week, he seemed a bit ditzy). So after work today, I’m going back to the bank to get the cashier’s check. The money and the documents are supposed to be into the shared risk people at least 2 weeks prior to starting Lupron – which I assume won’t be for a while as I haven’t started BCPs yet – but what do I know. This is my first IVF – even though I’ve read all about it, I still have no idea of what to expect.

Anyway, that was my fun day yesterday. After we get the check, we’re off to FEDEX/Kinko’s to copy the documents and send them overnight to the shared risk place in NY. Hopefully, that won’t take too long as I told a friend I would take his dog for a walk tonight since he won’t be able to.

Anyway, I’m off to Petco on my lunch break to buy some food for my kitties (that’s one nice thing about driving into work – I can actually leave the area during lunch).

Labor Day Weekend 2006

Well, the concert was great - there were some not-so-great moments, but the concert itself was great. I think DMB puts on a great show each and every time, and the opening act was really fun - it was O.A.R. I had never heard of them before (or at least, I thought I hadn't - it turns out I've heard a song of theirs on the radio called "Love and Memories"). I ended up buying one of their live CDs off of iTunes. In case you hadn't heard of them, I would describe them as being similar to DMB and Barenaked Ladies.

The rest of the weekend was also quite busy, though Sunday wasn't meant to be. If you're curious at all about the rest of my weekend, you can read about it here.

There's nothing new to report on the fertility front. Still waiting for AF to show up, but at least, it looks like it could be a relative normal (normal for me, that is) cycle. Oh, we got the money for our loan today, so tomorrow after work, I'm getting a cashier's check to send the shared risk people a good chunk of that money.

In other news, I am completely stressed out by my job. I HATE having to rely on other people to do their job so I can do mine. And I won't be able to relax with this until mid-October, which is really unfortunate since sometime in October will be retrieval and transfer. I don't need this stress! I'm freaked out about this process as it is. I really don't need work stress adding to the freaking out.

Anyway, that's all for now. I hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully, I'll be able to read some of your blogs soon!

I felt the need to post this...

This afternoon, the pregnant vanpool girl was talking about friends or relatives that she had that is or has gone through IVF. And it was nice of her to share these stories - after all, I read blogs and joined a support group so I could hear stories like this so I knew I wasn't alone in this. However, I just was having kind of a crappy day in that I kept thinking of IVF and how much I wish that this wasn't happening to me. I just can't even believe we've made it this far - IVF was something that other people had to do, not me! I guess I just wasn't in the mood to hear how it worked for others - I want to hear that it has worked for me. I'm sure most of you can understand this.

But tonight when I went walking around Greenlake with a friend, I think I gave the impression to my friend that I don't appreciate people trying to talk to me about this, that I don't appreciate hearing success stories, which isn't true. I don't want people to be afraid of saying the wrong thing or not trying to make me feel better with all of this. I need all the support I can get. I don't know why hearing pregnant vanpool girl talking about this annoyed me - I really don't know - I have a lot of hope IVF working for us, but I am so completely scared that it won't. I'm afraid of this whole process. If this doesn't work, this is it for us having a biological child and I'm not ready to move to adoption.

I'm rambling. I've just been feeling a lot of anxiety about all of this. It really hit me when I went to go sign the loan documents the other day - all that money! Sure, being in the shared risk program eases some of the anxiety, but there is still a lot of anxiety for reasons I've mentioned before - the physical side of the process and if it doesn't work, we'll have to grieve the loss of not having a biological child.

Anyway, I should stop rambling. I'm really excited about tomorrow - at least the concert part of the day - not so much the drive to and from the Gorge part of the day. I'm sure the Dave Matthews Band will put on a great show as they always do (this is my 3rd time seeing them), so it will be worth it.