Ultrasound - CD12

I went to have an ultrasound this morning to see if I was ovulating at all and if I was, what side I was ovulating on. Well, the good news is that I'm ovulating on my own and the doctor said that my ovaries look good. The bad news, at least for this month, is that I'm ovulating from the right side. That isn't going to do me much good since that side is the one with the blocked tube. Plus, she said that it doesn't look like I'll be having a 28 day cycle - it will just a bit longer - though not nearly the 39 or 44 days I've had in the past.

Part of me is sad because I was hoping that it would be the left side this month and I would be relieved because I could, in theory, get pregnant. It would be a relief to know that my left side is actually working now rather than waiting until next cycle to, I hope, find out that it is. She did say that the left ovary looks healthy, so it could just be the left side is taking this month off.

Part of me is relieved because that means this month when AF comes, I won't be too sad because after all, there was no chance it could happen this month. I'll probably be a little sad though...

We'll be going back for another ultrasound next cycle to see if, I hope, that I'm ovulating from the left side. Also, if this cycle is anywhere between 28-30 days, I might go and do the Day 3 testing next cycle, but it really depends on the length of this cycle.

Oh, also my thyroid, ferratin, and other hormones came back normal. The only hormone that came back abnormal is prolactin - once again, it is slightly elevated. The doctor said to give the acupuncture another month to work and then test my prolactin levels again next cycle or whenever I come back for more bloodwork.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Woo Hoo

I'm a bit late in posting this, but the Seattle Seahawks are going to the Super Bowl!!! All of us around here are still a little shocked after all most people I know my age grew up with the Seahawks being a horrible team.

Well, that's all the excitement I have for today. Nothing new on the baby front. I try not to think too much about how I'm going to pay for IVF or I'll just make myself crazy.

Today is CD10 and I'm hoping that this cycle will be around 28-30 days. If so, I might go to the doctor one month earlier than what she suggested for CD3 testing.

Infertility Over Time

I was just doing some research as to whether or not infertility is on the rise in this country and/or around the world just cause I was curious. So far, I really haven't found anything, but I did find this book that looks pretty interesting. If I didn't put myself on a book buying ban (except during the library book sale), then I'd probably buy it. The book is about infertility from colonial times up until this book was published in 1999. It's now on my Amazon wish list though.

Hyperventilating

I'm hyperventilating. How the hell am I supposed to come up with $15,000 with all the other bills I have to pay - especially since I've never been good about money?

Basically, when the doctor told me that IVF was my best bet, she might as well have been telling me that I will never have children.

I just looked over my finances, and it's just never going to happen. And I can't tell you how completely depressed I am about this. I just can't work anymore today. How am I supposed to get motivated about my job when I feel like such crap?

I guess it's good that I have my support group tonight, but it seems everyone in my support group has no problem with coming up with the money to do several IVFs. How do people do it? I can't go out and borrow money or refinance my house. It's just not going to happen. I already have a house loan, a car loan and way too many school loans (I'm really regretting law school even more so now than I did before all of this - no not all lawyers make the big bucks).

I'm second guessing everything that I've done in my life so far - wishing I wouldn't have done this or that. I can't believe I used to be so afraid of getting pregnant and it looks like I never had reason to be. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

Sorry to be so emotional. I just don't know how I'm going to get through this. I just hope that I do somehow.

Doctor's Appointment

Today Jon and I went to the RE for a discussion. Basically, she told me what I already knew she would say. IVF would be our best option. She said that there are 3 reasons I'm probably not getting pregnant: 1) Stupid blocked tube; 2) Cycles are all over the place; or 3) Unexplained. That last one isn't a reason really.

Anyway, she said that she feels another IUI wouldn't be beneficial and may even be a waste of our money. She suggested seeing what happens with the acupuncture in the next couple cycles as the last cycle was as close to normal as it has been in a very, very long time. She suggested that I then come back for some more testing on Day 3 of my cycle (aka CD3) (she also took some blood today in which I looked away but still felt like I would pass out or throw up - I really hate giving blood). If I'm still not getting pregnant when my cycles are normal, then there is probably something else going on.

Basically, what it comes to, is that we will probably try IVF at some point - as soon as we've saved up the money to do so. I thought, at one point, I didn't want to do that because it is just so uncertain even though my doctor told us we have a 50% chance of it working. I thought I wouldn't want to gamble with that much money, but I want to experience pregnancy!

We will be getting a second opinion at some point, but I have a good feeling that the other doctor will say the same thing that my current doctor said.

It really angers and saddens me that I even have to contemplate IVF. All I want is to be a normal woman - one who can get pregnant without any drugs or outside help of any kind. It is completely frustrating to me that I have to basically bet $15,000 on whether or not I'll get pregnant.

Well, I think that is all what the doctor said. Oh, I'm also having an ultrasound on Sunday to see if the left side is even ovulating. Have I mentioned that I hate this? I really do hate that I have to go through all of this!

Starting Over Again

Today is CD1 and I'm depressed. Sure, I can get up and go to work, laugh, and do many other things, but when your heart gets broken every month for the past 4 years, it takes a toll on you. A toll I don't know how much longer I can take.

I'm going to the RE on Monday, but it isn't coming soon enough and it also seems to close. I'm scared to go back. I'm scared what she might say. What if she says IVF is the only way or she says that there is no chance I'll get pregnant?

I'm also anxious - what if she feels like there is hope? What if she thinks an IUI will work this time?

I wish I knew what she was going to say at the same time I don't want to know.

Not only am I depressed, I have this painful reminder that it didn't work out this month. The cramps are completely unbearable and I desperately wish I could just go home, but will my boss let me leave because of feminine issues? Probably not. And I have an acupuncture appointment tonight, so who knows how I'm going to get through that.

On the positive side, my cycle was 27 days - just 1 day off of what I wanted it to be.

Well, anyway, that's what's going on right now. I just don't know what else to say.

Nearing the End of Another Cycle

Today is CD26; 13DPO according to fertility friend. I should be happy that it looks like I might have a "normal" cycle, but I'm not - not today. Because I know - I just know - that once again, this cycle isn't my cycle to become a mom. My breasts are less sore than they've been over the past few days and I'm starting to feel some cramping. Not good signs.

I tell myself every time not to get my hopes up because every time, EVERY TIME, they are crushed - destroyed. But do I listen to myself? Of course not. I still get that hope that this time will finally be it. And this time, like every other time, I will be hurt when I wake up and see my temperature is low which means what we all know it means. I get so mad at myself for letting myself hold some hope that it will happen this time because I should know better. But I felt miserable this morning. I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball and cry, but I couldn't because I needed to come to work.

My temp is still kinda up at 98.1, but I just know it is only a matter of time before it goes down and plus 98.1 isn't all that high.

Well, anyway, that's all for now. I'm sure I'll be writing a depressing post in the next couple days. :-(

Wondering

I'm a little anxious to find out whether or not I will finally have a "normal" cycle. It is currently CD 22; 9 DPO (according to fertilityfriend.com). It's a little surprising that I'm actually looking forward to my cycle ending. Of course, I would love to end up pregnant, but that seems like such a long shot.


I don't go to the RE until the 23rd for a "discussion" appointment, so I'm anxious about that as well. So many of the women in my support group are going through IVF or want to. I just don't think I'm there yet - emotionally and definitely, financially. I don't know if I'm emotionally ready for another IUI. I hate the emotional rollercoaster of it, and if they put me on Clomid again or Injectables, it will be even more of an emotional rollercoaster.

Even though I'm a little anxious and nervous about the appointment, I'm a little mad at myself for waiting so long to get more treatment. What if I had gone again last year? Could I be a mother now? Why didn't I go again last year? There was no reason for it. Sure, I was annoyed at the RE's office for never calling to ask how things were after the IUI, except to call to tell me that the credit card number I put down on my laparoscopy bill was not right. I was very annoyed by that actually - it really felt like they didn't give a damn.

I will probably get a 2nd opinion this time too. Maybe find a doctor who feels like they might actually care about what's going on with me, and not about the money that I'm giving them.

Well, anyway, that's all for now. My lunch hour is over now, unfortunately.

Yucky!

I feel really icky today, and my voice keeps threatening to go away. I really wish I could go home, but I took the vanpool today because I would hate being in that traffic in a single occupant vehicle. Yesterday - even with being in the vanpool, I didn't get home until maybe 5:55. Usually, I would get home around 5:30. Luckily, it's not raining as hard as it has been, but rain is in the forecast for the next several days. The big topic of conversation around here is whether Seattle will beat the record for most consecutive days of rain - I believe we are on day 24 or something like that and the record for Seattle is 33 days. If it rains again tomorrow, it will be the 2nd most consecutive days. How very exciting for us in the Seattle area...

Of Course She Is

Well, this really shouldn't come as a shock, but Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to have a baby. But I thought they weren't a couple? ;-D Isn't that what they kept saying? Even after Pitt petititoned to adopt Jolie's children?

De-lurking Week

Apparently, it is de-lurking week. I don't think I have many readers, but if there are any that haven't commented before - please feel free to do so now! :-D

And once again...

A while back, I wrote about an Indiana bill that, thankfully, was dropped that would have made it so only married couples could use A.R.T. Well, it's happening again, this time in Virginia!

This irritates me - why do some people continue to think that gay individuals cannot raise children to be good people? Why do some think that if a child grows up with gay parents, that they themselves will turn out gay? Why do some think having a child out of wedlock hurts the child? I'm not saying that this is what this politician thinks. but I've heard these arguments before, so it wouldn't be a shock if that is what the VA politician thought as well. It's just so irritating. I hope that this bill goes the way that the Indiana one did.

But this guy isn't all bad - he found time to write a bill to authorize issuance of special license plates for Jimmy Buffet fan club members! ;-D

Update on Fertility Specialist Appointment

Last night, I got home and there was a message from my doctor's office to see if I could reschedule my appointment that I had for the 19th. UGH. I was already frustrated and anxious because I had to wait 2 weeks, now I need to wait 4 more days and go on the 23rd (at way too early in the morning - 7:15 a.m.). It's even more frustrating because it seems the acupuncture is finally starting to work in a positive direction when it comes to my fertility issues and the 19th would've been perfect timing as far as my cycle goes. I guess it's fine because I wasn't really prepared (emotionally) to do another IUI this month anyway. This appointment was more for discussing possible treatments and for any more tests that may need to be done to try to determine if there is something more going on than just my blocked tube.

CD18

Today is CD18 and my temperature did stay up! It looks like I could have a "normal" cycle. I'm very excited about that. I'd be even more excited if this cycle ended up being the cycle that I ended up getting pregnant, but I shouldn't have my hopes up that high...or at all.

Anyway, that's all for now. Until next time.

28 Day Cycle...Maybe???

Today is CD15 and my temperature went kinda up to 97.9 (it's been 97.1-97.5 for the past few days). I don't want to get too excited yet, but I hope that this means that I might have a "normal" 28 day cycle. That would be the first in I don't know how long. However, we'll see what happens tomorrow. I can't believe I'm excited to have a 28 day cycle. It would work out nicely too since I'd be going to the RE about the same time the cycle would be ending. But like I said, I can't get too excited. It would be so nice to get away from those way too long cycles (last one was 39 days and the one before that was 44 - usually it is around 31 days).

Back to the Fertility Specialist

After a long time away from any fertility drugs or procedures, we've decided to go back to the specialist. I called for an appointment this morning, so I'll be going to the doctor on the 19th. This appointment will basically just be a question and answer time. My acupuncturist suggested that I get some things tested just to see if those things could be a factor in what's causing my infertility, so there might be some blood work. We'll see what happens. I'm very nervous what the doctor is going to say - I'm really afraid of bad news. And I now have 2 weeks to worry about it.