Desperately Seeking Baby...Babies Found

My thoughts on raising twins and a singleton after infertility.

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008


One more thing - if anyone is using twitter, let me know! I can be found here.



So I get a call from my OB's office telling me I have a (or an?) UTI. Lovely! I had no idea. They said that they wouldn't treat me if I hadn't noticed, but since they keep saying I'm pregnant (still having trouble believing it), they need me to take some medicine. Must remember to go pick up later.

Earlier this morning, I was thinking about my appointment last week. For some reason, when I went in last week, I was thinking the ultrasound would be on the tummy. How quickly I forget that this early, the dildo cam must be used. And to think I thought I had said goodbye to that lovely instrument.

Oh, if you want, I put the ultrasound pic onto flickr. I'm not sure if I mentioned that before or not (link off to the right).

That's about it for now. I think I had something else to right about, but I think pregnancy brain is creeping in already.

Oh, right, last night was not a good night for me. I tried to go to bed at 9, but ended up being being up for quite some time with tummy ache which led to puking. Not a fun night. So far, so good today. Knock on virtual wood.

Edited to add (around 1:47 p.m.): Now that I know I have a UTI (should that be an - it sounds weird), I feel it now. It hurts. I want to start the medication right away but I need to take with food and I hate a little over 2 hours ago - I guess I'll start with dinner.


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Pregnancy Post

How is it that I'm only 8 weeks along and I already have to pee 20 times a day? Perhaps I did with the twins too, but I don't remember going this often.

I'm extremely exhausted. Contemplating staying home some day this week just to sleep, but I'll probably be a good girl and come into work anyway. There are a couple work issues tha are stressing me out a bit so until they are resolved, I probably won't stay at home just to sleep. Here's to hoping they get resolved this week. Plus, I'm going on a vacation in about 2 1/2 weeks - I just need to remind myself of that and just try to get through the next couple weeks of work.

Jon and I said that we would start taking pictures every week like we did with the twins to document the pregnancy, but we never seem to remember that until we're at work or something. Will try to remember tonight though there really isn't anything to show yet but my chubby tummy from the last pregnancy...


Monday, July 28, 2008

Almost Forgot

Ben has a 2nd tooth coming in. Ella has a 4th tooth (has for a while - forgot to mention it before).

Ben took a few steps on his own over the weekend. He is just so proud of himself!

And he said "Ewa, a book" while he was holding a book and looking in Ella's direction. OMG - so cute! Trying to make the effort to call Benjamin, Ben, so it is easier for Ella to say it.


More Cute Stories

This weekend was a pretty low key one for us. Having a weekend like that per month is always good. On Saturday, we went did a bit of shopping and Jon put together the outdoor playset we got for the kids. They absolutely loved climbing up the slide and going back down the slide - so much giggling! It was great.

Then on Sunday, we went to Target and while there had a bit of an adventure. While we were just about to get onto the elevators (ours is a 2 story Target), all the lights in the store went off. It was pitch black. The kids didn't freak out, thank goodness. Just a little while later, some of the lights came back on and there was suddenly all these people heading our direction to get out of the building. At this time, the alarm was also going off. Thinking it would be better outside, Jon took the kids outside while I waited in line to pay for our stuff. It turns out they would have been better inside as the alarm pretty much died down inside but was still going off so loudly outside. We were leaving at the same time as a bunch of other people and because someone thought it a great idea to close off the express entrance and exit on a weekend day, it took forever to get back out of the parking garage.

After that, we got back home (after a pit stop at a secondhand children's store that was having a big sale - we didn't get anything). Jon put up the new gate between the dining room and the kitchen so I don't have to hurdle over the other one - this one has a pedal that you press on to open a door. So anyway, we put the box down on the floor for a bit b/c Sophie, one of our kitties, hearts the boxes. Well, this time Ben & Ella were loving the box. They thought it was so hilarious to play on. Then a bit later, they were either playing hide and seek or chasing each other or both. Ella would walk to their bedroom and Ben would start crawling after her, then she would walk out and they would crack up and go back to the box. They did this multiple times. I took video of all this as did Jon. When I upload the videos, I'll let you know - just know that when you watch, you'll see laundry on the floor - Ella was "helping" me put away the laundry.

That's our weekend and, unfortunately, I'm back at work. I don't feel pregnant at all. Sometimes I feel nauseous, but not as bad as I remembered it being before. I'm exhausted all the time, but I do have 2 toddlers to take care of. Next appointment is on August 22. We have the NT scan and an OB appointment that day. And unfortunately, more bloodwork. Must try to plump up veins for that day to lessen trauma from bloodletting.

By putting the ultrasound pic on my flickr site, one of the ladies in my support group knows about the pregnancy. I forgot she and I are friends on flickr. She e-mailed me and I e-mailed back. I'm currently waiting on her reply. I'm anxious to get her reply after I told her this time it was natural. I don't think anyone from my support group reads this, but maybe they do so maybe more of them know already? I see them in a couple weeks for a picnic. I hope that I am not showing by then, but so many people say that the 2nd pregnancy, you start to show earlier...

Anyway, back to work. End of break.

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Friday, July 25, 2008

Dad's Dream

From my Feb. 9, 2007 post (thanks to my sister for finding it):

"Oh, I forgot to mention that when I was talking to my dad earlier, he mentioned he had a dream that I gave birth to my twins and there was one boy and one girl, but then he went on to say that in a 1 ½ years, I will give birth to yet another baby. Yikes! That’s great that I could get pregnant on my own without any medical intervention, but that would too many kids under 2!"

Yikes is right! My dad is rather close with his dream. The twins will be 21 months when the new baby is born. Too bad he doesn't know the sex of the 3rd one. A coworker did the ring test on me again the other day because before it only said a girl and a boy. This time, it's showing another girl then it ends.

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Wonderful News & More

One of the ladies in my support group just announced the birth of her daughter. She was born last Friday. I am so incredibly happy for her and am so grateful that each and every one of us can now call ourselves mom. We are planning a get-together in August - it will be nice to see everyone and see how their children have grown since we last got together.

I don't plan to tell my support group about the pregnancy until later in August. Part of me is just feeling so horrible - survivor's guilt, I guess - that I became one of those women who have one of those surprise pregnancies. I'm nervous to their reactions...though if your reaction is any indication, I'm sure it will be just fine. Thank you so much for your comments!!!

Today, I'm considered to be 8 weeks. Everyone at my work nows - well, those in my part of the department know. I'll probably share with the rest of the department at our department picnic on the 11th. My vanpool will find out eventually (except one person in the vanpool knows - I let it slip when I was riding home with him last night).

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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

You Had Better Sit Down For This - HUGE shock lie ahead

We are in complete shock. Never did it cross my mind that this would least not without the help of the medical profession. NEVER.

I haven't been very good at keeping track of my period cycles ever since we had the twins, but I just had a feeling something was going on. I had a dream that I was pregnant and I woke up truly believing that was the truth though I went on to deny it to myself because hello? I needed medical help before. It wasn't until I woke up with sore breasts and a slight feeling of nausea that I was thinking maybe that dream was telling me something. Only then did I try to remember when my last period was - I guessed that it was around the time we went on a picnic with friends because I remember feeling crampy that day. I told Jon that I thought I was late, but again, I was thinking, it was just late. My cycles were always wonky before the twins so maybe they are just being wonky again, but just for ease of mind, I asked Jon to get a test when he went to the store so I could test the next morning.

And well, it came back positive. Right away, it came back positive.
I have to admit my first reaction was shock combined with fear as to how we will manage to financially take care of 3 children - I suppose for many of you reading this, your first reaction would have been sheer joy at getting pregnant without a medical professional poking and prodding you. And while, I do have that feeling, my first reaction was fear and shock. Now, my feelings are, I am grateful though the fear and shock are still there. I want to enjoy this pregnancy.

I took another test a few days later, and it also came back positive. The day I took the first test, I called my OB's office and made an appointment. 3 weeks later, Jon and I stroll into the OB's office to visit with the NP (as that's who you see first and they don't see you until you are at least 8 weeks along). At first, she felt my tummy and said "you feel bigger than 8 weeks." OMG - it cannot be more than one in there. She did the ultrasound and the baby is measuring about 7 weeks 5 days and there is a heartbeat. At that point, I said, "so it's real." I was so relieved to see the heartbeat.

Next up, was the bloodwork and well, as usual, it took about 5 or so needle pokes and 2 phlebotomists to get blood from me.

So, we are extremely happy and grateful we get to have a third child - and this time naturally. At the same time, we are in shock and wonder what our future might hold for us. I haven't told my support group - deciding to wait until later after one of the ladies in my group announces the birth of her daughter that she will be adopting. I hope that they won't hate me as I hope that those of you still reading this that are in still on the inferility rollercoaster won't hate me.

And I just want to mention the following:

Inevitably, someone will say to me (again) - "all you needed to do was relax and it would happen all on its own!" This response drives me crazy. First of all, 3 different medical professionals said IVF was our best route - WHY? Because my fallopian tubes were messed up. And honestly, I think I was the most stressed out during IVF and I ended up pregnant with twins. Jon and I are convinced during the pregnancy, the twins straightened things out - they did some repair work while in the womb. :-D

Some will wonder why we didn't use birth control. We tried for nearly 5 years before we tried IVF and got pregnant, so I really didn't think we needed birth control considering how hard it was to get pregnant the first time.

Another thing I've heard - from a friend at work and the WW person when I said I needed to quit WW - that a friend of theirs got pregnant the same way - after doing IVF, then they got pregnant naturally. That's great that they know people like that, but it bothers me. Why do people automatically assume that if one person they know this happened for, it will happen for everyone?


Monday, July 21, 2008


We ended up having a bit of a busy weekend, but not too bad. On Saturday, we went to that playdate. We were there a little over an hour. Then later that afternoon, we went to get this outdoor playset for Ben & Ella. Ben absolutely loved it - he giggled and slapped his hands down on the playset. Ella liked climbing up the slide. They took it apart for us so we could get it in our car, but we haven't put it back together yet.

On Sunday, I went over to a friend's house to plan our Vegas trip a little more and I watched the third act of Dr. Horrible and the new trailer for Twilight - thanks, Kelly! The sound on my computer at home isn't working. Then later, we had a high school friend of Jon's come over for a little BBQ before he left to go back home in CA. Ben & Ella took a little dip in the pool before dinner, then after dinner enjoyed pushing the fold up chairs all around the deck. Benjamin really enjoyed himself - he laughed quite a bit.

I guess while I was gone yesterday, Ella climbed up the steps when Jon was gone just for a moment. I think Benjamin did too. She can climb up those stairs quite quickly. We best keep that door closed when we have to leave the room for a bit (though Ella hates it when there is no adult in the room with her normally - she cries out and follows us wherever we go).

Yesterday, Benjamin took a tumble - not from the stairs, thankfully; he doesn't know how to stand on his own yet and he took a tumble after his papa got up and Benjamin was leaning against the couch between his papa's legs. Poor little guy has a bruise on the side of his head. :-( He cried out and so did Ella as she was nearby handing him something (I think a book) - I think hers was more out of shock because she didn't fall or maybe she thought by handing him something, she caused the fall. I don't know.

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Friday, July 18, 2008


You have no idea how much this weekend is needed for me. I am so exhausted. I almost wish I hadn't agreed to a playdate tomorrow. We probably won't be there too long though. We also need to get our plates put on the new car tomorrow. And if this one person gets back to me, we may be buying a used outdoor playset for Ben & Ella (though they may be a tad too young yet, but she's selling for 1/2 of what it cost new so I wanted to get it - but she may have already sold it). Oh, and Jon's reunion is this weekend - of which I'm still not sure if we're going or not. He hasn't made up his mind, I guess. It might be a busy weekend - but at least, it won't be at work and I'll be with my family. And weekends are good for me, so I don't think about things that are worrying me too much because I am busy with my family.

Speaking of family, in August, I'm going to Vegas without them. I'm going with a friend. I'm looking forward to it as I've never been and I'm not sure when I'll be able to go again, but I will really miss my sweeties! Jon will watch Ben & Ella. He encouraged me to go. I felt like I was being a bad mom leaving them and was nervous on spending the money to go so I wasn't going to go (plus, I wasn't sure if I could due to work deadlines), but he kept telling me to think of it as a rejuvenation time and girlfriend hanging out time. I do need a vacation - but from work, not from my family! It will be nice though. I am looking forward to getting away from work if only for 2 days.

Later on in the month, we're planning a trip to Spokane. I'm looking forward to that too. It will be nice to see everyone...though my aunt tells me she's coming over here to take her grandson to a Mariners game. We'll see if she does. I keep meaning to get tickets to go with my children so we can run around the bases, but I'm not sure about spending money on that. I may want to take them to the zoo instead.

Well, that's it for now. Maybe next time, I'll share some cute stories of Ben & Ella.

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008


Ella now has a fourth tooth coming in on top. Because of that, she likes to grind her teeth together. It freaks me out because it sounds like she's chewing on something she shouldn't be - well, besides her own teeth.

As far as other updates, my husband does a better job of writing about our children these days. I get too busy at work most days, then am too tired/busy to write about anything at night. Benjamin and Ella are now 13 months. To celebrate, we went to the beach in the morning (will upload pics eventually), then later that day, we went out to lunch (which we rarely ever do). After lunch, Jon took Benjamin and hung out with him and Ella was with me. We decided to stick around inside the mall most of the time because it was HOT outside. Ella fell asleep. When we met up again, we had some ice cream.

The next day, we walked around Greenlake. Then we inflated their pool and they went into their pool for a bit. Really, Benjamin was in their pool for a while. Ella was in the pool for a bit. Apparently, the temperature of the water wasn't to her liking. It felt good to me. She ended up sitting on my lap most of the time with her feet in the pool. She did look really cute in her purple bikini with white flowers. :-D I failed to take a picture of her in her bikini, but if it is nice this weekend, I'll try to take a picture then. Benjamin wore his little swim trunks he's worn before.

I finished the scrapbook that my boss made for Ben & Ella. They turned out really well. Now I just need to finish my pregnancy scrapbook...and fill out Ben & Ella's baby books.

Thanks to everyone for your input to my organic versus regular whole milk question. Right now, we've decided to do organic at home and regular at the daycare -a bit of a compromise. I did notice that the whole milk that Cos&tco sells is RBST free which is the hormone that everyone is all nervous about right? I'm thinking of going ahead and using that milk because it is free of that hormone and a lot cheaper than buying organic.


Thursday, July 10, 2008


First, do you think it is really necessary for us to give our children organic whole milk versus just regular "RBST free" whole milk? It is so much cheaper to buy regular whole milk at Cos&tco then to buy organic whole. Our pediatrician says she recommends organic and I just don't think we can keep affording to buy organic.

Second, I really think the time has come for me to create a new blog with a new title but I can't think of any witty names. Anybody have any ideas?


Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Book Club Time!

Now it's time for this month's installment of the Barren Bitches Book Tour... This month's book is The Empty Picture Frame by Jenna Nadeau. This book was written wonderfully - it spells out exactly what it is like to go through infertility. Definitely a book I would recommend to those wanting to learn more about the emotional aspects to infertility.

Now onto the questions...

1) Depending on where you are on your IF journey, how did this book affect you? For example, if you have a child/ren after IF was it easier or harder to read? If you are in the middle of your IF struggle did the book help or hinder? Give me your thoughts on how you were affected reading the book no matter where your IF journey has taken you so far.

I think this book was easier to read now that I have my twins. I remembering feeling that I was so glad that I wasn't going through all that anymore. Thanking God that my infertility seemed so small compared to what others have gone through. I think I would have cried more if I didn't have my children. Everything she wrote in this book I could relate to - what people said to what she was feeling after another month went by without a pregnancy.

2) What one line from The Empty Picture Frame did you identify with and why?

It's actually a part of a paragraph - I couldn't just pick one line from's when she talks about being more empathetic to others on pages 147-148.

"It doesn't matter if I agree or diagree with their personal battles, everyone wants to be valued. They want their struggles to be felt by just one other person without judgment or being told how they should be handling it, or what they would do if they were in that position. Empathy is to identify with someone on the most human level and to find relevance in their situation."

I think why I picked this portion is because I'd like to believe I am a more empathetic person. Someone may find another person's struggles trivial, but to them, it matters. This is one thing that I want those who know someone going through infertility understands. It may seems like something they just need to "relax" for or whatever, but to step back and not say things like that and just to listen and empathize is what everyone wants and needs. I know that when some people say "relax" or "just adopt", they are wanting to be helpful and not hurtful but I think if they thought of it in terms of what they would want to hear if they were in a tough situation, it may make them think differently about those comments.

3) On page 145, the author says, "Infertility can definitely be the process of losing oneself, but it can also be the process of finding oneself." In what ways have you lost yourself, and in what ways have you found yourself?

This is a question that I had picked. My support group talked about this a lot. That we lost the person we once were - the happy, go-lucky people - and turned us into a bitter, angry people. I may not have been a happy, go-luck person before, but I certainly wasn't as bitter as I was after infertility took over. I was angry that I had to go through all this and pay all this money to have children when so many get to do this for free and not have medical professionals poking and prodding you either. I became numb to the poking and prodding after a while - that is something that changed for me.

As far as how I found myself, I'd like to think I'm a bit stronger person having gone through this. Not everything is cause for a breakdown. One little comment someone makes about whatever doesn't make me angry or sad or whatever as much as it would have before (though there are exceptions). But, who knows, I may be giving myself more credit than I deserve. Yesterday, I was a bit emotional about my car not working when I needed to go pick up Ben & Ella from daycare. But things are going on right now that could probably explain that.

4) Toward the end of the book, the author talks about things people have said - in what ways have you dealt with the inevitable statements that people make to those trying to conceive?

It truly depended on the person saying the comment. If I felt close to the person or knew them well enough, I would respond directly to them. However, if it is just an acquaintance or a coworker, I felt I couldn't really say anything so I just vented on my blog or to friends. My blog was a wonderful venting tool as was talking to friends, especially the ladies in my support group who knew those comments all too well. I tried to tell people that relaxing wasn't going to make my tubes unbend themselves. Adoption wasn't a cure for infertility, nor should it be. Sometimes I got through to them. Other times, I didn't.

5) Did your clinic have a Baby Day like Jenna described? Even if not, did you ever have a moment like that in the clinic, with newborn babies being brought in, or a woman cycling who brought her child with her? How did you deal with it?

The first RE clinic I went to, it was also an OB clinic and well, I saw a lot of pregnant women there. It absolutely sucked and I wished that they could schedule a person doing an IUI at a different time from someone coming in for the 8 month pregnancy appointment. When we switched to the RE for IVF, thankfully, they didn't have visible pregnant women there at the same time primarily because they were an fertility clinic and that was it. And they weren't in the same building as another fertility clinic as my OB! They were in a building with other types of businesses.

I do remember the day we found out we were having twins and graduating from the clinic. A couple different people there told us congratulations and Twins, how exciting while other couples were there. I felt awkward because if I was one of the couples waiting for a consult or waiting for my transfer or whatever, I just didn't want to hear of someone else's success. I just wanted to hear about my own - which, if I remember correctly, Jenna mentions something along those lines in the book. Other people's success is not my own.

6) Did you struggle with your friendships during your infertility journey? Did you lose friends you thought were good ones, or gain close friends in unexpected places?

I don't think that my friendships struggled during the journey. I know that people didn't know what to say and how much to ask, so having my blog helped them with that. I didn't lose any friendships along the way. I definitely gained friends going through this. There is, of course, my support group, but there are people I met and had got to know better because we were open with our struggles. The person who temped for us a couple summers ago, then took over my position on maternity leave struggled with infertility. They are currently adopting a little boy from Taiwan. We try to keep in touch with each other. Then there are other people along the way who, when I share our struggle, tell me that they also struggled.

I just read on another's blog that Jenna and her husband adopted a child 4 months ago - congratulations to her and her husband!

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I've read this book and it was a good book. I don't think I'll be joining on next month's book club tour, but to those of you who are, I'll be interested on reading your thoughts on the book!


Monday, July 07, 2008

3rd tooth

Ella has a 3rd tooth coming through on the top of her mouth. I think this one might be bothering her more than the first two.


Wednesday, July 02, 2008

These feet were made for walking

Ella is officially a walking girl. She walked all over the house last night...and with no prompting by us and with no one hand holding. She just walked. It was so unbelievably cute to see her walking. We clapped and said "yay, Ella". Benjamin joined in on the clapping.

We took them to their 1 year checkup yesterday. Benjamin was nearly 25 pounds. Ella was nearly 21 pounds. Benjamin grew about an inch (31 inches) and Ella grew about 1/2 an inch (28 1/4 or something like that) since their 9 month checkup. They didn't do the immunization shots yesterday because Ella was wheezing and they wanted us to use the nebulizer for the next week or until it clears up, and let me tell you how much fun this is not. Ella squirms all over the place. So if she is fine next week, they will give Ben & Ella their shots next week when we go in on Wednesday.

The daycare sent me photos of them celebrating their birthday with them. I'm going to upload them soon...I hope.