Desperately Seeking Baby...Babies Found

My thoughts on raising twins and a singleton after infertility.

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Thursday, December 29, 2005

still nothing

I found out today what I had already thought - my 2nd boss is 6 months pregnant (she's tiny so it was kinda hard to tell until just recently). I just went to talk to her (I found out from others she's pregnant), and she's having difficulties with this pregnancy. I am very sorry that she has to go through the uncertainty of not knowing if her baby is going to be o.k. I'm not sure what would be more difficult to go through - infertility or the possibility your baby may not be o.k.

As for me, it is CD6. As you can probably tell, I am not pregnant. It has been officially 4 years since we started trying. All I want to do right now after my stressful day at work (and another one coming tomorrow) and the thought of never being pregnant is to go home and have one big cry - or maybe several. I am too tired with all of this. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore.

WHY WON'T GOD LET ME BE PREGNANT AND HAVE A BABY? What did I do to deserve this pain? WHAT? I can't take this anymore. I really can't. I wish that I had a lot of money so I could try IVF or better yet, I just wish I could be a normal woman and get pregnant without any outside help!!! WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why? I just want to know why...and what? What I did that was so bad that I should not have a child? What did my husband do? Are we really that bad of people that we can't have a child but an abuser can?

It's too bad that my support group doesn't meet tonight because I could really use them right now.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Hey there

It's been a while since I last updated this site. It's getting really hard for me to keep up this blog and the 2 others that I have. If anyone is interested in what's going on with me - please read my main blog "It's All About Me".

Right now, I'm on CD37, 13DPO. According to fertility friend, I will have AF visiting for Christmas. Yes, just what I needed to get me in the holiday spirit when surrounded by my sister's kids. Plus, I have to drive over to Spokane, where I hope that weather will be good because there I hate driving in the snow and ice. This is why I live in Seattle where we hardly ever get snow and sometimes get frost. Though I do sometimes wish I lived closer to my family - I think they just need to move over here.

Anyway, that's all for now. Until next time - whenever that might be. In the meantime - please read my main blog - if you want to make a comment, you will be prompted to input a signin and password - which the prompt will give you. Can you tell I want people to comment on my blog?

O.K. That's really all for now! :-D

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Yet Another Depressing Day

My mom had surgery last week, but she has to have another surgery to get rid of the breast cancer. She's going to have a mastectomy sometime soon. They only did a partial one the other day.

I'm just having a depressing day. I really don't know what is causing me to feel this way. My mom will be fine, I'm sure, so it can't be that. It could be hormones. It could be that it is CD24 and my temp is still low - will my cycle ever be normal? Will I ever have children? Will I ever have a job that I love? Will I ever have friends who truly care about me because it really doesn't feel like I have any today. They really haven't said anything to make me sad or mad - I just woke up today feeling miserable and I feel like I have no one to talk to. Yes, I have my husband but sometimes, I just want someone other than my husband to talk to. Is that bad to feel that way?

I just want to go home and cry, but I can't. I have to be at this hellhole for another 2 hours, then I have an acupuncture appointment tonight.

Maybe it's good that I'm starting the support group next Tuesday - though it may take me a while to let go and really talk about what I'm feeling.

I am so scared of life - I don't know what to do with it. Nothing seems be going the way I had planned, except that I'm married to a wonderful guy and have 2 great kitties. I'm supposed to be a mom by now, have a great career, friends who I feel I can call when I need someone to talk to or friends who feel like they can talk to me. I don't have that. I've never had that. Except with my husband. I should be grateful I have that at least, and I am. I just want more! What's wrong with that?

I need this day to be over. A small part of me wishes this life was over - it is just too hard. I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself. I'm just having a really bad day. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Monday, December 05, 2005


And still the temperature is low. I don't know what to make of this.

Friday, December 02, 2005


Originally uploaded by heathercim.
Just wanted to see if this would work.



I'm not sure why, well, actually, I know why, but I am feeling depressed. My coworker who is pregnant is going around showing her ultrasound of her baby. That makes me depressed because why not me!!! And it's CD19 and I still haven't ovulated. It just seems like my cycles are getting worse rather than better. How can I get pregnant if my cycles are so crazy?

Oh, and it doesn't help that it just looks miserable outside, I hate my job, and that my mom had her surgery yesterday and I keep thinking about her and how she's doing. The surgery seems to have been successful. I just wish I could be there to help.

I just want this feeling to go away. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like feeling that I have no control over my life and what's going on with loved ones. I wish I knew if things were going to be o.k. That my mom is going to be o.k. and that I am going to be a mother and that I will find a job that I love.