Ramblings...again

I came across this quote today - I'd say this is the same for me too.

"Books for me have always been a way to escape. I now consider reading
a good book a sacred indulgence, time alone to be any place I choose.
It is my absolute favorite way to spend time."

— Oprah


One guy in my van asked me if the current book I'm reading (Clockwork Angel) was a Twilight book. I answered that it wasn't, then he asked if I had read those books and I said I had (and honestly after a moment's hesitation of whether I should answer honestly - that's kinda sad).

Anyway, last night I went to my mom's group meeting at the church. We are currently reading through Real Moms, Real Jesus. This was our third meeting. It was a good meeting and I'm glad that the book was suggested to me so we could start this group at our church. I do hope one day that more moms will join us. Ella was not thrilled at all that I was leaving her. It really sucks to leave when your child is that upset that you are leaving. Talk about mommy guilt. But the rest of this week, I have nothing planned (though I'd really like to go see the Harry Potter movie coming out sometime soon).

This weekend, my work is having a Santa picture day again, so we are taking the kids here. I wonder how they will react to Santa this year? 3 1/2 years old and a (nearly) 21 month old. Hmm. We'll see on Saturday morning!

Two songs that have been in my head today:

1 - Bullet with Butterfly Wings (particularly "The world is a vampire" and "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage" parts)

2 - Dora Theme Song - d-d-d-d-Dora, d-d-d-d-Dora, d-d-d-d-Dora, d-d-d-d-Dora! Dora, Dora, Dora the Explorer! Dora! Boots and supercool explorer dora! Grab your backpack! Let's go! Jump in! Vaminos! You can lead the way! Hey! Hey! d-d-d-d-Dora, d-d-d-d-Dora, Swiper no swiping, Swiper no swiping, oh man! Dora the Explorer!

Have I mentioned that Nicholas will say "oh man" and will attempt to sing ABC and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? It's rather cute.

Books & Cute Kid Stuff

I'm currently reading book #58 (thanks to goodreads for helping me keep track). My goal for this year was to read 52 books in a year and I've surpassed that - yay me!
Now I'm trying to decide what my goal for next year should be (at least when it comes to books). I'm thinking of possibly reading some of the classics that I haven't read before - maybe 10 classics next year - seems doable. But I've also thought I should just go ahead and read some series I haven't read yet or finish series I haven't done yet - for example, The Time books by Madeleine L'Engle (which might cover classics and series) and the rest of the In Death books by J.D. Robb and a few other series I've been meaning to read. Decisions, decisions.

Any book suggestions out there? My book club is almost ready to select books for next year's list so I'm looking for ideas. I have a couple that I think might be good book club picks. Up next in the book club is "The Thirteenth Tale" by Diane Setterfield. Then "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro.

This morning, I answer my phone and on the other end is Benjamin singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", then Ella gets on the phone and sings a song that Jon wrote that goes "There, there, mommy. Wonderful mommy. Intelligent, strong, mommy. You are good girl and we're proud of you. We love you mommy" It actually started when the twins were babies in a way to calm them down, so instead of mommy, it would be Ella or Benjamin or Nicholas, but the twins have since added mommy and papa into the mix.

Not a cute story, but will share anyway - Nicholas was playing with Jon this a.m. and fell and got yet another bloody nose. I swear that kid will be the child that gets hurt the most in his effort to keep up with his siblings. Did I mention that Nicholas feel about 3 or so feet off a playground toy to the wood chipped ground below. That was not a fun experience for any of us.

Cuteness

I had a whole other blog topic planned but since it is nearly 9 p.m., it will have to wait until tomorrow...maybe.

This morning, Nicholas thought a good wake up time was about 5:30. While I should be getting up then so I can exercise before leaving for work, I haven't. Hmm, maybe I should start up my other blog again (the one I had for weight loss many years ago) - maybe that would motivate me. Anyway, Nicholas up at 5:30. We tried to ignore for him for a bit hoping he would go back to bed, but no luck. Jon got up to go to the bathroom. I got up to get Nicholas. Upon picking him up, he immediately asks "where papa at?" Perhaps he is so used to Jon getting him in the mornings as I'm usually gone by the time he gets up. I told him where he was and he repeated the word "bafoom". So cute!

Speaking of cute, I guess yesterday morning, as I was driving away, Ben & Ella started singing "bye bye mommy. bye bye mommy. bye bye mommy. We hope you have a nice day!" or something along those lines. As I wasn't here and only heard from Jon after he asked me if I heard their message did I know that they sang to me. The message that he sent somehow didn't get left on my voice mail though so I didn't get to hear it. So sad, but I can imagine the cuteness. I tried to get them to sing again for me, but they only sang a bit.

Today, the kids and Jon came to visit me at work since my workplace doesn't believe in celebrating our vets and Jon's and the daycare/preschool does. It was a nice visit though it means I have to make up some time for the longer than normal lunch. It was nice to show them off. :-D

Well, that's it for now. I think I'll go watch a little tv before going to bed. I should probably start reading that library book that is due in 9 days but I can't motivate myself to do it. Hopefully, I can finish it before next Saturday. :-D It will be a challenge.

Heaven

I started reading a book this morning called The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven by Kevin Malarkey. I'm about a 1/4 of the way into it. It was hard for me to keep myself from crying in the vanpool as I read it. It is about a 6 year old who was in a bad car accident and his accounts from being in heaven.

There is a line in there about when the mother found out about the boy's accident and she talks about if God brought him into Heaven, she would be o.k. but God would have to give her the strength to be o.k. with that. And I thought - how does one ever have the strength for something like that? I just think of when my grandfather passed away in 2004. I remember thinking and saying that I just wasn't ready for him to die. He would be my first relative to pass away that I had ever really known (my great grandmother died in the late 80s shortly before we moved back to Spokane, but I don't know if I ever really knew her like I did my grandfather). It was really hard for me to experience death and more so, for it to be my grandfather who died. I cannot imagine the amount of strength one would need if it was one's child that was dying.

However, I keep thinking about things that I had heard after my aunt and grandmother died this year and I can only imagine hearing stories like this and having our beliefs is where the strength comes from. My other aunts and my cousin (whose mom it was that passed) told me of things that my aunt had said before she passed. She said that she saw her dad (who died before I was born) walking toward her and that there were a lot of people with him. She said it again some time later and said their dad was even closer this time and so she knew she was about to die and would be going to heaven. When I heard that, I kept thinking, how can one not believe in something after this life? Some may say it is the pain meds causing delusions, but I believe that she was catching her first glimpses of heaven and it made me feel good to know she was going somewhere good - somewhere without pain, but love (this may sound cheesy to some people reading it but feeling like this is what gets me through the days sometimes). It made me feel better with losing my grandfather 6 years prior, my grandmother in March of this year and now my aunt. An aunt I felt closer to than any others since she lived over here in Seattle before moving back to Spokane about 5 years ago. Not only that, but my cousin said that shortly after she passed, he said out loud "mom, if there is anything after this life, please give me a sign" and I believe she did. He went on to say that a hummingbird kept coming up to the window multiple times and just staring into the room at him. While another cousin was outside, this same hummingbird even flew straight at my other cousin in between one of these window times. Both of them felt it was their mom giving them a sign and I believe so too.

I'm thinking that this book is just the right book for me right now after losing 2 family members in one year. It is a hard book to read because it involves a small child and the father blames himself for the accident, but so far, it is a good book. Another book that I enjoyed that dealt with the afterlife is a fiction book called Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zeven. That book was also a bit of a feel good story (though some parts were a little annoying).

(Just a little note - there was one part of the Heaven book that I cannot believe someone actually said to a mother grieving for her child - a paramedic said that he had prayed for her son while on board the helicopter and that she must continue to do so and not let the doctors steer away from her child recovering or else he would die. Who says that? Do this or your child is going to die and it will be your fault. He might not have meant it that way, but that is the way it came across to me.)

Book Club - "It Sucked and Then I Cried"

I've finally decided to get back into the online book club and this month they were discussing "It Sucked and Then I Cried" by Heather Armstrong aka Dooce.

First of all, I loved this book. Her writing style and humor are great!

Now onto the questions...

Heather obviously has a very distinctive writing style that comes across in both her blog and her book. What do you think has made Heather such a famous blogger? Her writing style, honesty, or something else? Do you write with the same passion and honesty that Heather does?

I definitely think it's her writing style and humor, like I said above. :-D She has a way of talking about serious subjects with humor that it's hard not to want to read the next entry or the next chapter. I definitely don't write the same way she does. I just am not that good of a writer, nor do I have the wit she does. I do sometimes wish I could write with as much honesty as she does, but I'm afraid of what those I know who are reading would say. I don't think some would realize that I'm just venting sometimes and I just need to get it out. Although, I could just as easily take things personally too.

One of the main reasons why I was interested in this book was that she was going to address her issues of postpartum depression, which I struggled through with both my children. I found her frank style dealing with this issue very helpful and I could relate to her distress. Have you or some one you know dealt with PPD or depression? How did the author’s experience resonate with you?

I've known people who have dealt with PPD, read books about it, and have gone through a minor bit of it myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really through it even now. Her experience was definitely different from mine though. I didn't feel like it was strong enough to need medication for a long time, and when I did think it could help, I only was on a minor dose and for the most part, I think that helped me. I do wish I would have written about it more to get those feelings out there as she did. I think that would have helped tremendously, but I just could never find the time. Reading her talk about it made me think I should have tried harder.

The author's blog is well-known for her biting sense of humor, interspersed with expressions of deep emotion toward her children and husband. Although there was plenty of humor, I found the book to be much heavier on emotion than I expected based on reading her blog. On your own blog, how much emotion do you express? Is that more or less than you tend to express in real life?

I just to write more emotional pieces before we were pregnant. Since then, I've become the "mommy blogger". I don't seem to write about the times that I'm having a hard time with things anymore because no one wants to hear that from someone who was able to get pregnant from IVF and then have a surprise pregnancy! However, I think there are things post-pregnancy that would be good to write about - i.e., PPD.

I don't think, however, I could go to the level of honesty that she expresses. With her and Brooke Shields - they were so open about how they were feeling - even the bad parts. I guess I was too afraid to admit that there were times that I had some of the feelings that they expressed in their books/blog (of course, I kinda just did).

The author talks about how she imagined her future children before becoming pregnant:

When you're childless and young and hopeful, you have this idea of what your children are going to be like, and you make mental notes when you see other kids in public. You say to yourself, "My kid will be cute like that," or "My kid won't ever throw a tantrum in public like that little demon." I had always envisioned a sweet little princess who looked just like me sitting quietly in a high chair, her pressed velvet petticoat creased perfectly as she sat and waited to be handed things in a timely manner. And then you grow up and have kids and realize that YOU HAVE NO SAY...

Before starting to try to conceive, how did you imagine your future children? If you now have children, how did your expectations fit reality?

I guess I did have this vision in my head of how parenting was going to be like - that my children won't misbehave in public. That I'd be able to control them and they would listen and understand when I needed them to behave. While at the same time, I rationally knew that I was going to have times that this wouldn't be the case. After all, my sister has 4 kids. I was a teenager when my brothers were first born (or close to it), so I knew what was reality. But you still think things are going to be different for you - but it turns out, my children will have breakdowns in public and they will not sit quietly at the restaurant table the whole time until it is ready to go. People used to say our children were well-behaved - well, that was before they turned 2.


Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens (http://stirrup-queens.com). You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. I got my copy today!

Children & Books & Breastfeeding

Right now, I'm going through my old posts to see what Ben & Ella were doing when they were 6 months and up as I haven't filled in the baby book in quite some time. It's interesting to compare with Nicholas. He's been flipping over on his belly from his back for a while now and it seems Ben & Ella took a bit longer - maybe because they were born early.

Anyway, I noticed that I used to blog all the time with Ben & Ella and what they were up to, but lately, I've been bad about it and since I may need this information later when I'm filling out baby books for them and for Nicholas, I probably should try to write more just for that reason if no other.

So here's another update on my kids:

Nicholas - gets very excited when he sees someone he likes. He flaps his arms and kicks his legs, much like I remember Benjamin doing. He likes to say things, but he seems like he's more into moving forward on physical stuff than talking (kind of like Ella). This morning, though, it really sounded like he was saying mama. I wished Jon was around to see if it sounded like that to him.

Nicholas can flip over both ways, but does it more from back to belly and I'll find him sleeping on his belly these days. It's probably alright, but I still feel the need to flip him back over. I guess I'm paranoid after a coworker's friend lost her 3 month old most likely due to SIDS. He gets onto his knees sometimes, but not too often. He LOVES to be held and stand while someone holds him. I'm starting to work on him sitting up on his own. I put him down the other day and he just sort fell forward (not really fell, but moved, I guess).

Benjamin & Ella - picking up so many new words each day that I can't even keep track anymore. Both of them have said garage. Benjamin told us the other day what sound Jon's coffee maker makes. He can say everyone's names though he laughs when you ask him to say his own name. Ella said her own name for the first time yesterday (at least, it was the first time I heard her say it). Their bedtime is still a bit of party time, but lately, they've liked being on our bed for a while. This seems to calm them down enough to bring them to their own beds to go to bed. They also like to come on our bed and do a bit of wrestling - one will be lying down on the bed and the other one will do a body slam - they think this is hilarious - I do not since most of the time, I'm on the bed with Nicholas nursing him. Though I can't help but smile when they crack each other up so much. Last night, they were also putting their heads together and finding that fun. I wondered if they found that fun since in the womb they had their heads together?

The daycare told me the other day that Benjamin knows his colors (which I knew) and his shapes (which I didn't). I wonder what other stuff he does that I don't know about. Same with Ella and Nicholas. It's hard being a working mom sometimes...a lot, actually.

Speaking of, I'm reading this book now called "The Other Mother" by Gwendolen Gross. It's an o.k. book so far, but the author (so far) makes it seem like she agrees with the SAHM character that working moms are horrible and why would they leave their children like that? The working mom character is feeling all guilty for leaving her kid (as I do), but unlike myself, it seems she doesn't have to work, she chooses to. One of the characters said in the book, why have kids if you can't afford them or take care of them or something along those lines? All I can say to that right now is ugh! Anyway, I'll see how the rest of the book turns out. I still have another 100 pages or so to go.

And on a final topic - breastfeeding. I feel as if my supply is dwindling - it seems I'm pumping less and less these days. My goal is to give Nicholas breast milk exclusively until he's a year old - this is going to be hard, I think. I still feed him when I get home and in the middle of the night if he wants, but pumping in the morning (as he's not up usually when I leave) and twice at work. I hope that I can hold on until he's a year. I made it to 6 months with the twins, but I guess, I feel as if I should do better at it this time.

Book Club Time!

Now it's time for this month's installment of the Barren Bitches Book Tour... This month's book is The Empty Picture Frame by Jenna Nadeau. This book was written wonderfully - it spells out exactly what it is like to go through infertility. Definitely a book I would recommend to those wanting to learn more about the emotional aspects to infertility.

Now onto the questions...


1) Depending on where you are on your IF journey, how did this book affect you? For example, if you have a child/ren after IF was it easier or harder to read? If you are in the middle of your IF struggle did the book help or hinder? Give me your thoughts on how you were affected reading the book no matter where your IF journey has taken you so far.

I think this book was easier to read now that I have my twins. I remembering feeling that I was so glad that I wasn't going through all that anymore. Thanking God that my infertility seemed so small compared to what others have gone through. I think I would have cried more if I didn't have my children. Everything she wrote in this book I could relate to - what people said to what she was feeling after another month went by without a pregnancy.

2) What one line from The Empty Picture Frame did you identify with and why?

It's actually a part of a paragraph - I couldn't just pick one line from it...it's when she talks about being more empathetic to others on pages 147-148.

"It doesn't matter if I agree or diagree with their personal battles, everyone wants to be valued. They want their struggles to be felt by just one other person without judgment or being told how they should be handling it, or what they would do if they were in that position. Empathy is to identify with someone on the most human level and to find relevance in their situation."

I think why I picked this portion is because I'd like to believe I am a more empathetic person. Someone may find another person's struggles trivial, but to them, it matters. This is one thing that I want those who know someone going through infertility understands. It may seems like something they just need to "relax" for or whatever, but to step back and not say things like that and just to listen and empathize is what everyone wants and needs. I know that when some people say "relax" or "just adopt", they are wanting to be helpful and not hurtful but I think if they thought of it in terms of what they would want to hear if they were in a tough situation, it may make them think differently about those comments.

3) On page 145, the author says, "Infertility can definitely be the process of losing oneself, but it can also be the process of finding oneself." In what ways have you lost yourself, and in what ways have you found yourself?

This is a question that I had picked. My support group talked about this a lot. That we lost the person we once were - the happy, go-lucky people - and turned us into a bitter, angry people. I may not have been a happy, go-luck person before, but I certainly wasn't as bitter as I was after infertility took over. I was angry that I had to go through all this and pay all this money to have children when so many get to do this for free and not have medical professionals poking and prodding you either. I became numb to the poking and prodding after a while - that is something that changed for me.

As far as how I found myself, I'd like to think I'm a bit stronger person having gone through this. Not everything is cause for a breakdown. One little comment someone makes about whatever doesn't make me angry or sad or whatever as much as it would have before (though there are exceptions). But, who knows, I may be giving myself more credit than I deserve. Yesterday, I was a bit emotional about my car not working when I needed to go pick up Ben & Ella from daycare. But things are going on right now that could probably explain that.

4) Toward the end of the book, the author talks about things people have said - in what ways have you dealt with the inevitable statements that people make to those trying to conceive?

It truly depended on the person saying the comment. If I felt close to the person or knew them well enough, I would respond directly to them. However, if it is just an acquaintance or a coworker, I felt I couldn't really say anything so I just vented on my blog or to friends. My blog was a wonderful venting tool as was talking to friends, especially the ladies in my support group who knew those comments all too well. I tried to tell people that relaxing wasn't going to make my tubes unbend themselves. Adoption wasn't a cure for infertility, nor should it be. Sometimes I got through to them. Other times, I didn't.


5) Did your clinic have a Baby Day like Jenna described? Even if not, did you ever have a moment like that in the clinic, with newborn babies being brought in, or a woman cycling who brought her child with her? How did you deal with it?

The first RE clinic I went to, it was also an OB clinic and well, I saw a lot of pregnant women there. It absolutely sucked and I wished that they could schedule a person doing an IUI at a different time from someone coming in for the 8 month pregnancy appointment. When we switched to the RE for IVF, thankfully, they didn't have visible pregnant women there at the same time primarily because they were an fertility clinic and that was it. And they weren't in the same building as another fertility clinic as my OB! They were in a building with other types of businesses.

I do remember the day we found out we were having twins and graduating from the clinic. A couple different people there told us congratulations and Twins, how exciting while other couples were there. I felt awkward because if I was one of the couples waiting for a consult or waiting for my transfer or whatever, I just didn't want to hear of someone else's success. I just wanted to hear about my own - which, if I remember correctly, Jenna mentions something along those lines in the book. Other people's success is not my own.

6) Did you struggle with your friendships during your infertility journey? Did you lose friends you thought were good ones, or gain close friends in unexpected places?

I don't think that my friendships struggled during the journey. I know that people didn't know what to say and how much to ask, so having my blog helped them with that. I didn't lose any friendships along the way. I definitely gained friends going through this. There is, of course, my support group, but there are people I met and had got to know better because we were open with our struggles. The person who temped for us a couple summers ago, then took over my position on maternity leave struggled with infertility. They are currently adopting a little boy from Taiwan. We try to keep in touch with each other. Then there are other people along the way who, when I share our struggle, tell me that they also struggled.

I just read on another's blog that Jenna and her husband adopted a child 4 months ago - congratulations to her and her husband!

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I've read this book and it was a good book. I don't think I'll be joining on next month's book club tour, but to those of you who are, I'll be interested on reading your thoughts on the book!

Questions & Answers & Cute Stories

To answer Faith's question, I think the first finger food we gave them were the Gerber puffs and then later, the Zwieback toast. We actually just gave them those mesh bags the other day for the first time. I had completely forgotten about them. We put a huge piece of watermelon in there, and they were like "what in the world? Can we just have the watermelon by itself?". I do like those though and will probably use them in the future for other things.

I have a question for those with older babies - how did you transition to using no bottles at all? When did you stop giving them formula? Did you transition to milk and only sippy cups all at the same time? Our 1 year checkup isn't until July 1, so I'll be giving them formula until then when I hope the doctor will say - yep, you can start giving them milk now.

What type of foods do you give your 1 year old? Ella still only has 2 teeth and Benjamin still doesn't have any.

And now onto cute stories:

Ella has started to point to things and talk about whatever she's pointing at (at least, I'm assuming that's what she's doing - I don't quite understand all of her words right now). She has become quite the talker lately. The words I do understand is "keh" for kitty, "ma" for mom, "dada", "uh oh". And, of course, I can't think of the others right now. She's really cute though with her talking. The cutest thing the other day was when I dropped something and she said "uh oh ma". :-D

Benjamin, ever since I can remember, has been a little singer. He will sing when he is getting his diaper changed or about a toy.

Lately, both of them have become fascinated with our ceiling fan in the dining area. We turned it on for the first time since last summer the other day, and it is just so interesting. If you need Benjamin to hang out while you go fix a bottle or feed the kitties, just sit him down underneath the fan and let him stare. Ella pointed at it the other day and we think she was telling us about the fan (which wasn't on at the time).

The other day, Ella said something to Benjamin and started to crawl away and he went crawling after her. I just can't even describe how cute it was to see both of them crawling together down the hallway. Just cute!

Ella has stood on her own a few times, but hasn't tried walking since last Saturday. Benjamin has gotten a lot better at pulling himself up, but hasn't quite mastered it. Once he does get himself up, he does a great job of cruising around the furniture. I thought for sure he was going to go from one end of the livingroom to the other using one couch, to the coffee table to the other couch, but he stopped midway through the coffee table.

I've been reading a book called Certain Girls by Jennifer Weiner (a sequel to Good in Bed), and after watching Dan in Real Life and reading this book, I have to say I'm not looking forward to the teenage years.

That's about it for now.

Book Club - Water for Elephants

It's time for another installment of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade. This month's book club pick was Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen.

First of all, I loved this book. I got all caught up in the story and found it hard to put it down. Now, onto this month's questions!

1. (From the discussion questions at the end of the book) Looking at himself in the mirror, the old Jacob tries "to see beyond the sagging flesh." But he claims, "It's no good....I can't find myself anymore. When did I stop being me?" How would you answer that question for Jacob or for yourself?

This is a question that I heard a lot from those of going through infertility. We became angry and bitter at the world and this is who we used to be and we can't seem to find our way back to the way we were. Infertility changed us sometimes for the worse, but also sometimes for the better. I know that it changed me. For Jacob, I think there were several moments in his life that changed who he was - the moment he found out his parents died and joined the circus. The next when his relationship with Marlena grew and he found out how August really was. And perhaps the final one - when he left the circus. Being with Marlena and the circus was his life. Perhaps he found himself again when he joined the circus one last time.



2. Something that struck me about this book in particular was the rich, descriptive way the author handled Jacob as an elderly man. His frustration was so apparent, his physical manifestation so perfectly described, that of all of the elements of this book Jacob the Elderly is what stays with me. You had the sense that Jacob didn't foresee his latter years being the way they were, and his almost "ride off into the sunset" ending perhaps what he had envisaged for his end. Do you think about what's at the end of the road someday? When you think about it, what do you see for yourself?


All the time. I wonder what the future holds for me. How long will I be at my current job? Will I raise my children well? Will they turn into the adults I envision? Will I be happy with how my life turned out?

As for what I see for myself. Sometimes I get depressed and wonder if we are doing o.k. - am I a good parent? Should I be living closer to family? Should I be more aggressive in finding a different job? Should I be more active in trying to do activities with friends (as a lot of the time, I feel like some of my friendships are fading and that just saddens me)? And I wish a lot I could work less so I can be around my children more.

Then the next moment, I feel happy. Things are going well. I have a wonderful husband, terrific children, cute kitties and great family and friends. I have a good job and a daycare that I feel is a good one.

I do wish I knew sometimes what the future was going to be like for us. There are so many things I would have done differently had I known what was going to happen, and I'm sure there are going to be moment I'll feel that way in the future.

3) What does the title mean to you? Why do you think Sara Gruen chose it as the title?

I wondered while reading this exactly what "Water for Elephants" meant? Was it some old phrase meant to say "hey, I worked on the circus"? I think the title was chosen because of Rosie and what we learn later she did. She never forgot how August treated her versus how Jacob and Marlena treated her. That Dr. Seuss quote at the beginning pretty much summed up for me why I think the title was chosen. An elephant will stay faithful to those who deserve it. So I guess the title means to me not literally giving water to elephants, but rather helping a friend when they need it without being asked. Just being there when they need a friend. Treating people the way you would want to be treated. Staying faithful to those who mean so much to you and helping them at a time when they need you the most. Rosie was a friend to Marlena and Jacob. Rosemary was a friend to Jacob. Jacob was a friend to Walter when he needed it. Marlena to Walter when she helped with his dog, etc.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Empty Picture Frame by Jenna Nadeau (with author participation because she's a blogger!)

Book Club Time!

This month’s book club pick was The Mistress’s Daughter by A.M. Homes. Having not had any experience with adoption, it was a very interesting book to read. It was from an aspect of adoption that I don't hear very often. The words she used to express her feelings and to share this part of her life were wonderful. Thank you for writing this book - I can't imagine that it was easy.

And now onto the questions - I’m having a hard time writing good, coherent answers to these questions, so bear with me! I hope that my answers are o.k.!

1. Why do you think the author's biological father went through the DNA testing if he was still going to go along pretending she didn't exist? How did you react to that emotionally as the reader?

I’m not sure anyone can really answer that question other than the man himself. Part of me thinks it might be because of his wife, but there might have been something else there. As for my reaction, it was amazement. While I understand those who give up a child for adoption as something they think is in the child’s best interest, I don’t understand just cutting off all ties like that especially after he had spent some time with her. Of course, I don’t understand a lot of what people do to each other.

2. Genealogy -- the quest to learn more about her birth family's history -- forms a large part of the latter half of the book. On page 152, the author notes, "I remind myself that the quest to answer the question Who am I? is not unique to the adoptee." How much do you know about your own family history? Is it something that interests you? How has it influenced your decisions related to infertility treatment (if at all)?

A while back, my mother’s side of my family had a reunion and my mom put together a notebook showing who our ancestors are. She got some information, but I really wanted to find out more so I looked into it a bit further and a friend of mine is also helping with this. I just think it is so interesting knowing where your ancestors came from and how they got where they are and what their lives were like (as much as you can know on that last part). I’m a big fan of history so all of this is very interesting to me.
As far as whether it influenced my decisions to infertility treatments, I don’t think it has. My desire to have children was not to continue with any family line (though I certainly thought about how I’d like to give my parents more grandchildren or my nieces and nephews cousins on my side of the family); it was mainly about just my desire to be someone’s mom.

3. On page 150, the author says, "The desire to know oneself and one's history is not always equal to the pain the new information causes." Reading about her sometimes rocky relationship with her birth parents, I scribbled on a sticky note, "Be careful what you wish for." Whatever your views or background regarding adoption, how do you feel about disclosure in cases of adoptions that took place some years ago, when secrecy was the norm? How much openness would you personally be comfortable with in an adoption situation today?

Not having adopted or been adopted, I know I’m not the best person to answer this question. My mother-in-law is an adoptee and one of her daughters is adopted. My sister-in-law knows who her biological parents are, but my mother-in-law doesn’t. I do wonder if my mother-in-law ever had or has the desire to know who her biological parents are. Would she want her biological mother or father (if they are still alive) to come looking for her? I guess my desire to know would be so strong, but again, I’ve never been in this situation. If I had adopted a child, I would think I would want to have an open adoption so my child knows who her biological parents are and would know where they came from, but I know that I would be nervous about that openness just because I’d be afraid my child would find the biological parents better and wish the adoption had never happened. I’m sure that’s irrational thinking, but I know I would have that fear. And that may have been why my first research into adoption was international adoption where the chance of an open adoption is a lot slimmer than a domestic one.

4. Our community often speaks of the injustice of the homestudy process. From our parent-in-waiting eyes, is seems incredibly unfair that some can become parents at the drop of a trou, while infertiles to have to go through the judgments by a third party of their innermost selves to prove themselves worthy. Homes' book, however, shows not the parent perspective but the adopted child's. She talks about the effects of coming into her parents' home just months after their son died, about the burden she felt to heal her family. "I grew up doused in grief." She wonders (a few times) why an agency would give her parents an infant so soon after a child had died. Does reading from the adoptee perspective change your opinion on the homestudy process? Who is responsible for making sure hopeful parents are ready to parent a child borne to others? To what degree should hopeful parents be cleared of their grief, and who should determine this? How should it be determined? Should people stuck in grief NOT pass a homestudy? How should the desires of the hopeful parents be balanced with the rights and needs of the child?

This is so hard to answer. Of course, we shouldn’t just place a child into any home that expresses an interest in raising a child, but it just seems so unfair that so many couples are able to get pregnant at a drop of a hat and go on to abuse or neglect the child while others who can’t get pregnant have to go through so much to get into a position to be a parent. However, the homestudy process is definitely something that needs to be done in order to make sure that the best interests of the child are met. I just don’t know to set the criteria on what is a “good home” and what makes “good” parents. I certainly wouldn’t want the job of making that decision. I did wonder myself why her parents were given an infant so soon after the death of their child, but it would be hard to determine when a good time is to say, “o.k. they’ve grieved enough.” I just don’t even know how that would be determined – each person is so completely different. I wish I could think of a more thoughtful answer to this question, but my words are failing me today.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen (with author participation!)

Movie News

I don't know if anyone has read The Memory Keeper's Daughter, but if you have or are interested in the story, Lifetime made a movie out of it and it will air on April 12.

Book Tour - Embryo Culture

This month, I decided to be part of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade as this month the book pick was Embryo Culture. I had wrote about it before, but I was curious what other questions other had of the book. Here are some of the questions given to me (hopefully, my answers make sense - I'm writing them in a drug-induced state to try to feel better during this cold).


1. The author researched different religious views on ART while she was in the decision process. How did you make your decision to pursue ART, adoption, childfree living etc? Did your religious views play a big part in that decision?

I honestly did not think too much about my religious views when making the decision to go forward with ART. I certainly believe in God, but that belief didn't make or break the decision to move forward with ART. I briefly may have thought about whether this was right, but it was really a fleeting thought. The biggest thing we thought about was how were we going to pay for it and how far were we willing to go? In the beginning, I thought I was not going to go to IVF because of the cost and because it felt like a huge gamble. It may not work and we would have put so much of our money into something that didn't work. So we did IUIs but when that showed it wasn't going to work - something changed. I just didn't feel like we had done all we could and we should try IVF before deciding what to do next. We found a way to make that happen and thankfully, IVF was the procedure that would make us parents.

2. Did religion shape the decisions you made about treatment? And in turn, did your infertility change the way you looked at your religion?

Same as above for the first question. As to the second, there were so many times during the course of trying to get pregnant, that my faith took a nosedive. I just couldn't believe in a God that would let people who I felt mistreated their children have those children in the first place when there people like myself who wanted children so badly and would, I thought, be great parents. Somehow, my faith stuck around - it went through a rollercoaster much like my emotions while going through infertility. It definitely is hard to have faith when things are bad.

3. If you have children via ART, did you every wonder some of the same things that Beth wondered? Would they be "different"? Would others who found out they were ART babies treat them differently?

No. I never did think that they would be different. After all, so many couples before me had children via IVF and they were all fine. In this time, IVF is so common that it wouldn't have occurred to me that my babies would be different. However, I do wonder about other people. Do they treat my babies differently if they know they were conceived via IVF. I have to believe that most people around my own age would not because it is so common today. However, if IVF is against their beliefs, then maybe they will. Also, I do want my babies to grow up knowing other ART babies - particularly IVF babies - as I think it is important for them to know other babies who were conceived in the same way. I'm not sure why I feel that way though.


4. In Chapter 5 ("Professionals"), Beth writes about her clinic experiences. I got a chuckle out of her observation that "my early-morning posse and I seemed to be codelinquents doing time in juvie hall," as well as her description of George, the (male!) u/s tech. How was/is your clinic experience similar to or different than Beth's? Did you meet/Have you met any particularly memorable people (either fellow patients or clinic staff)?

One of the doctors at my fertility clinic seemed like a wonderful guy. He seemed genuinely happy to make people parents - to help them fulfill a dream. I remember him writing on one of our early ultrasound pics "TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!" - the several exclamation points just made me smile. My OB is also a wonderful person and I am so glad that the fertility clinic doctor recommended her.

5. I had a different experience from the author concerning the type of clinic she went to. She went to a big clinic where she was treated as a number, whereas I went to a smaller clinic where there was a more personal touch. What was your experience? If you went to a big clinic, was it by choice? Did you feel like you still were treated as an individual? Did you have to deal with a Carol-like person? If you went to a smaller clinic, did you feel it was adequately staffed, etc. for your needs? Did you research various facilities (or did you do like me--go with the recommendation of my personal doctor)?

My clinic was a big enough clinic but I feel like I was treated as a person rather than a number. I can't remember one person at that clinic that was anything like Carol. I chose this clinic mostly because they were the only ones that offered the shared risk program, however, we did look into the other major fertility clinic in town. I'm glad we chose the one we did though because of the people at that clinic.

That's about it. If you want to read my earlier "review" of this book - you can find it here and here.

I did like this book a lot. It brings up a lot of questions that I had thought about and some that I hadn't. It is definitely a book I would recommend to others.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about Embryo Culture? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #11 (The Mistress's Daughter by AM Homes with author participation!) and all are welcome to join along. All you need is a book and blog.

Babies

Hmm, it's been nearly a week since I last wrote something.

Ella is more and more getting up on her hands and her feet (and sometimes her knees). There have been a few times that we put her to bed for the night or for a nap for her to wake up with a frustrated cry she has because she's trying to get on her tummy then to her hands and knees/feet but the crib is in the way. Sometimes, she has got there successfully but can't get past the rocking motion or she goes backwards. I'm expecting any day now to find her sleeping on her belly. It's very cute that when she's on her back to sleep, she puts her hands behind her head.

Benjamin likes to sleep with his arms extended in some fashion. Last night, it looked like he was doing the John Travolta - Saturday Night Fever pose. Cute! Benjamin hasn't really seemed interested in attempting to crawl yet, but she tells some great stories!


Hmm, what else. We took the babies to a birthday party for a 2 year old this past weekend. Benjamin slept through a good deal of the party. Ella slept for a little bit. They came to visit me at work on Monday since I had to work and Jon didn't. Everyone oohed and aahed at them and how big they have gotten since the last time they saw them (in person) on Halloween. A coworker of mine made big hooded towels for the babies with this cute little ribbon on them. Adorable! She also offered to babysit with her 14 year old daughter. My boss and her 20-something daughter came over on Saturday so Jon and I could go out on a date. We went out to lunch and saw The Spiderwick Chronicles. I'm looking forward to bringing my children to movies and see them get all excited about it. My nephew loved the movie so much, he now wants to read the books (I read them a while ago). I'm looking forward to my children being excited about books too - I hope they will be - I'm trying to start to read to them more than I had before so I hope that will encourage excitement in books!

Pictures and Book

More pics on my flickr site - all of them from the daycare.

Also, I recently read a book called Embryo Culture. You can read about my "review" of the book here and here.

"Pandora's Baby" - Book "review"

I finished reading Pandora's" Baby by Robin Marantz Henig.

It was an interesting book into the history of how IVF became a treatment to help infertility patients have children. It's amazing how far science has come in just the 3 decades since the first IVF child was born in 1978. It's amazing how much it took to get to that point. There was a lot of opposition to IVF, and still is, from those claiming REs are playing God or those claiming, at least back in the 70s, that it would lead to deformed children. How lucky it was doctors figured out how to make this work.

Reading the book made me feel lucky that I am living at a time that IVF would be available to me. Otherwise, I would have had to try surgery to unblock my tubes (though my doctors didn't seem confident that would work), and it would have cost a lot more money and caused a lot more pain, I think, at least physically. While reading the book, it did make me think of the other embryos that we had. I had 10 eggs retrieved, but only 7 fertilized. Of those 7, only 2 made it to blastocyst (and eventually into my 2 babies). I sometimes wonder about those other 5 and am sad that they didn't make it. While at the same time, relieved that I don't have that decision to make on what we want to do with any frozen embryos.

The book also talked about health problems that some IVF children have...a lot due to multiple births because they have a higher chance of being born premature. The book said something about US clinics transferring (o.k. she used the word implant which irritates me) more than 2 embryos to boost the chances of the cycle working so their numbers look better. I don't think the clinic I went to will do more than 2 except in certain circumstances.
The book also talked about cloning and the controversy surrounding that being similar to what took place with IVF (though there are differences).
Overall, it was an interesting book even though it did go off on tangents I didn't think were necessary. I have another book from the library about IVF called Embryo Culture that I plan to read at some point.

A Long Post for Monday

Hopefully, all goes well with my mother-in-law’s doctor appointment today. She’s meeting with a neurologist.

I finished reading Happiness Sold Separately. For those that may not know, it is about a couple who went through fertility treatments and all that entails, then early in the book, the main female character learns that her husband is having an affair. The woman had distanced herself from her husband – falling into this black hole I think a lot of us know all too well. A lot of the things that the character says about her treatments and failing to get pregnant or keep a pregnancy is what I believe a lot of us feel. However, there was one thing that kind irked me and I’ll write about it below the line so if you don’t want to know part of the story – don’t read below the line!

So a while ago, I asked for advice on how to carry the twins into and out of daycare when there is only parent around. Since we have the new convertible car seats installed, we no longer can carry them out in the car seats as these ones stay in the car. This morning, Jon tried the plan of putting one baby in the Bjorn and carrying the other – well, when one leans over to get the other baby while one is in the Bjorn – the Bjorn baby will squirm and try to wiggle her way out of the Bjorn. So that won’t work. Onto the next idea of using a stroller. Either, Jon will have to call the daycare to tell them when he’s outside so he can go in through the garage (the day care is on the bottom floor of the house) or he’s going to have wheel the stroller over and ring the doorbell with one baby in arms, and go back down the stairs after he hands over one baby to go get the other. Of course, this means we need to go get a stroller now. We were going to wait a bit, but I guess not anymore. At least when I go pick them up later, someone at the daycare can help me bring them out to the car.

Benjamin hasn’t rolled over since that one time he did so the other day. Ella is still the roll over queen (from her tummy to her back anyway). Last night, we got suckered into letting the babies sleep with us. First, Ella woke up screaming and I went to go give her a pacifier. That worked for a bit, but then later, she woke up again, and next thing I know, Jon is back in our room laying down with her. When Benjamin woke a while later, I tried the pacifier trick, but that wasn’t working. I picked him up and I just loved holding him so I just brought him to bed with me. I didn’t get much sleep after that – he kept making weird noises and I couldn’t stop looking at him laying there so peaceful. Ella looked equally peaceful. My little happy family – Oliver was in there too, but no Sophie.




___________________________________________________________________________________
After the couple tries to reconcile, they are a bit more relaxed about sex and what do you know, they get pregnant! So if you’re trying to get pregnant, just relax! UGH! Unfortunately, that happiness of being pregnant took a really sad turn and they ended up having a miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat on two separate occasions and after graduating to the OB’s office. The couple later learns why the miscarriage occurred and why she wasn’t able to stay pregnant.

Football, Rolling Over and Car Seats

Apple Cup is going on right now - Go Huskies!!!

Ella is continuing to roll over, so it wasn't just a one time thing. Benjamin also rolled over for the first time today from his tummy to his back, but he only did it once today. Hopefully, he'll try to do it again soon. Ella is trying to roll from her back to her tummy and she's been really close.

Jon's mom told us why they didn't come to Thanksgiving dinner at our house - she said she couldn't walk when she tried to get up to do so that morning. She's going to a doctor on Monday. I wish they would have told us why Thursday morning so I'm not thinking Jon's dad hates me and the twins (though he's only met them once).

We got new car seats - we ended up getting this one. One is black and the other (a friend of mine will like the colors on this one) is pink and brown (the one in the link). Because of gift certs we had, it only cost us $8 to get the car seats (my kind of price). We didn't get a new stroller yet - none of the (very limited) choices at Babies 'R Us really caught my attention (well, one did in that it is the same pattern as our infant car seats). Any recommendations out there for a twin stroller? We might get umbrella strollers for when we are bought around, but for those times it is just one of us, we'll need a twin stroller.

Well, I better go. Jon is going to meet his friends for game night and the babies are going to want to eat soon. I kinda hope that they go to bed easy tonight as I've been up since 5:30 and I'm exhausted!

Before I go, has anyone read Happiness Sold Separately? If so, what did you think? I'm almost done with it (it takes me 3 weeks to finish a book these days).

Ramblings

So far, Happiness Sold Separately is not what I expected, but so far, it seems like an o.k. book. Hopefully, I can finish it and the other library book by the 24th when they're due! I doubt I will. The only time I have to read is in the vanpool and occasionally at lunch at work. I suppose I could read instead of watching tv...

Right now, Sophie (one of my kitties) is laying on my lap making it hard to type. She wants the love. She definitely has become more affectionate towards me ever since I became pregnant and even more so since the babies came home. I'm not sure if she is just lacking in the love or she just loves me more - probably the former. I guess I won't be leaving the computer for a while - though I really need to get going and get some things done. I need to figure out a dish to bring to a party we're going to tomorrow - any ideas? Something simple. I was thinking a baked pasta dish maybe.

Alright, I'm going to go read some blogs since Sophie isn't letting me get up.

Quick Post about Various Things

hmm...what to write about today. I don't really have much time on the weekends to blog so this is going to be a quick post.

The babies' 2nd day at the day care went well. I got there about 15 minutes earlier yesterday than on Thursday. I really appreciate that. They seemed happy to see me and I was happy to see them. I walk in to the house and I hear Ella's little squeal. I come downstairs and see her cute little face looking up at me. So cute. Benjamin was being fed at the time.

Oh, for some silly reason, I think I'm going to have time to read 3 different books in the next few weeks. I borrowed a book from a friend (Lean Mean Thirteen) and a couple from the library (one that I've read about on other blogs (Happiness Sold Separately) and the other because I've read the first 3 of this series (Shopaholic & Baby). If I manage to read these, I'll have something to write about on this blog. :-D

Well, that's it for today.

Another Update

I finally have a chance to blog again -

Ben and Ella are doing well. Ella is still our little princess, but Ben seems to be starting some crying contest with his sister. It's great that after his first day of life outside the womb that he has such strong lungs now, but...wow those babies can scream if they don't get their food right away. Thankfully, Ben will breastfeed so I can at least settle him that way at least some of the time. When Ben cries, his little face turns so red! At one point the other day, he was crying so hard that he seemed to have forgotten to inhale and that just freaked me out! I held onto my little boy for some time after that.

Both babies are starting to become more alert too and taking in their surroundings. They are just so cute with those big eyes looking all around. I do love my sweet babies.

I have to admit though that I am still quite anxious about being on my own with them - I can't stand to see them cry - especially when they go from 0-60 in crying in such a short time and I can't get their food ready as quickly as they want it or I can't hold them both at the same time (though Jon's coworker is letting us borrow a sling that somehow will enable me to carry both twins at the same time). Jon, on the other hand, has no anxiety about being alone with the twins as he is said he will watch the twins so I can go to the midnight book release party for the final Harry Potter book (so excited!!! - though will I have time to read the book - probably not). I had thought about not going and I suppose I still might not depending on how tired I am, and boy am I tired, but it's the final book so I kinda wanna go. I went to go reserve my copy at the nearest B&N this morning.

Oh, and my boss offered to babysit the babies along with her daughter (I think) so Jon and I can go out on a date - I'm hoping she's available soon as I thought Jon and I could go see the 5th Harry Potter movie (or if that's sold out, I still haven't seen Pirates of the Caribbean since I was in the hospital when it came out). Speaking of my boss, I'm going to go to my office on Monday to visit and to drop off paperwork to add the twins to my health insurance. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone and introducing them to my babies. It will be their longest car ride thus far. I haven't really gone anywhere with them on my own either - Jon has usually put them in the car seat (as it has hurt to bend over though it feels better now) and he has put them in the car as I'm not supposed to lift things that heavy (but I'm allowed to do so now). We'll see how things go, so I'll let you know Alli!

Well, that's about all for now. Hope Nickie is doing well after having her baby boy! Hope it isn't too much longer for Alli to meet her baby girl! I'm looking forward to hearing the news of the births! We will definitely all need to get together with our babies and when Carol's come too!