The Crazy & Funny Times of Having Children

Last night, we get home and I have the kids go play while I make dinner. Ella wanted Benjamin to come into their room and play with her, but he wanted to play with Nicholas' birthday present (a little motorbike/tricycle thing). Ella desperately asked Benjamin to come play with her and he kept saying no. One time, he turns and yells right in her face "NO!" Ella starts crying even more and says "this isn't the yelling place..." I asked her if Nicholas or I could play with her, but no, it was all about her Benjamin. She then starts crying "Benjamin is my friend and he should play with me!" I tried to explain to her that he didn't have to but maybe he will in a little bit. I did play with her for a bit and that calmed her down for a bit, but she went on to say she wanted Benjamin to play with her.

Then even later, Benjamin cried out that he feels he is missing out on an important part of dinner - the third vitamin. I give them 3 - one for calcium, one for the fish oil and the other for multi. All are kids vitamins. I gave him two with his dinner because he had already had the third one when he saw me giving one to Nicholas. He screamed and yelled for about 15 minutes about that.

Nicholas cried later when I tried to get him to put his clothes on after taking a bath. The humanity! The horror! How dare I clothe him for the bedtime! He can put on some rather spectacular tantrums - complete with jumping and landing on his butt. I really should try to get a video of that. I'm pretty sure he is learning this behavior from his siblings. For them, the twos weren't all that terrible...their threes are worse. But Nicholas - wow - his two's are definitely terrible.

In the funny times:

1. Nicholas, for a while, thought it was fun to sleep with socks on his hands or just to walk around with socks on his hands. He hasn't done that in a while.

2. Nicholas will sometimes will look directly at your face and rather close to your face when he is telling you something.

3. Nicholas told me the other day "I can do it!" Yep - I guess he's a big boy now.

4. Nicholas likes to tease me by telling me "I go potty?" and so I get him undressed to do so, and he just runs off. Someday I'll get him to go pee or poo on the potty again. Someday.

5. Speaking of potty training, Ella was so proud of herself for buttoning her shirt that she proclaimed that she is a big girl and can button her shirt. She can get herself dressed. She can even go poo on the potty! I said - that's great (and inside I said - I'd like to see that since she still struggles with the fear of going poo on the potty).

6. Ben & Ella fighting over the proper way to say "Bubble Guppies". Benjamin asking Ella "why do you like it so much? Can't we watch another show?" or something along those lines.

7. Ben & Ella calling President's Day present day. :-D

8. Fighting over mommy or papa. Nicholas is saying "my mommy!" whenever Ella sits on my lap or Benjamin. He didn't like it too much when I was in the church nursery and was holding Andre for a period of time to calm him after his mommy left. Ella one time said that we needed another parent so that there would be enough to hold each child. :-( and :-D

In other non-kid news, I went to go see Rock of Ages a while ago with a friend and loved it! If you are a fan of 80s rock music, then this is the show for you!

Cuteness

I had a whole other blog topic planned but since it is nearly 9 p.m., it will have to wait until tomorrow...maybe.

This morning, Nicholas thought a good wake up time was about 5:30. While I should be getting up then so I can exercise before leaving for work, I haven't. Hmm, maybe I should start up my other blog again (the one I had for weight loss many years ago) - maybe that would motivate me. Anyway, Nicholas up at 5:30. We tried to ignore for him for a bit hoping he would go back to bed, but no luck. Jon got up to go to the bathroom. I got up to get Nicholas. Upon picking him up, he immediately asks "where papa at?" Perhaps he is so used to Jon getting him in the mornings as I'm usually gone by the time he gets up. I told him where he was and he repeated the word "bafoom". So cute!

Speaking of cute, I guess yesterday morning, as I was driving away, Ben & Ella started singing "bye bye mommy. bye bye mommy. bye bye mommy. We hope you have a nice day!" or something along those lines. As I wasn't here and only heard from Jon after he asked me if I heard their message did I know that they sang to me. The message that he sent somehow didn't get left on my voice mail though so I didn't get to hear it. So sad, but I can imagine the cuteness. I tried to get them to sing again for me, but they only sang a bit.

Today, the kids and Jon came to visit me at work since my workplace doesn't believe in celebrating our vets and Jon's and the daycare/preschool does. It was a nice visit though it means I have to make up some time for the longer than normal lunch. It was nice to show them off. :-D

Well, that's it for now. I think I'll go watch a little tv before going to bed. I should probably start reading that library book that is due in 9 days but I can't motivate myself to do it. Hopefully, I can finish it before next Saturday. :-D It will be a challenge.

The Only Exception

"The Only Exception" by Paramore is a song I've been listening to a lot these days. I can't say I was in love with it when I first heard it, but it definitely has grown on me. It is a really sweet song.

There have been many songs throughout my life that has made a big impression on me and have some meaning to me. The ones I can think of off the top of my head are "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel (was my favorite for a long time and the song that Jon and I danced to for our first dance at our wedding). Another is "Calling All Angels" by Train. A song I listened to a lot when going through infertility - just listen to the lyrics. And finally the third is, and probably my current favorite of all time, "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. The lines in this song that really got to me, especially when going through infertility is "All that I am, all that I ever was is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see". LOVE these songs.

Another song I really like these days is "Tighten Up" by The Black Keys - just because it's a fun song and the video is fun too.

I know there are others but I need to go back to finishing up some chores and hopefully getting some reading time in before bed.

(almost forgot to blog today but a person's facebook status reminded me). :-D

Singing to Babies

For those who have had c-sections, does your scar just randomly hurt sometimes? Mine does - perhaps I just moved in a weird way or something.

Sometimes when I look at a picture of my babies, I'm just amazed I'm their mother...that I'm a mother to anyone.

I'm looking at this picture of Ella and Benjamin with Santa, and I think - Ella is my beautiful girl and Benjamin is my handsome dude. That reminds me - one song that they both seem to like is my own version of "Beautiful Girls" by Sean Kingston (and apparently, many others). It goes something like (though the lyrics change sometimes)...

"Beautiful Girl
Ella is a Beautiful Girl.
She is the cutest baby girl
in this whole wide world,
of that I am sure."

Then I'll turn to Benjamin and sing

"Handsome Dude
Benjamin's a handsome dude
He is the cutest baby boy
in this whole wide world
of that I am sure."

They both just smile when I sing that, especially Ella.

There are many other songs I'll use the melody for and substitute my own words - always the lyrics have to include Benjamin and Ella. They seem to like me singing to them.

Powerful Song & Video

I came across this video from another blog and wanted to share it here...

For anyone who has gone through infertility, this will definitely bring tears to your eyes. I think it could bring tears to anyone's eyes.

I Want A Nap So Badly

I am having the hardest time staying awake today at work. I just want to go home and take a big long nap. And it’s only 10:50 a.m.. I really, really hope that my employer lets us leave early today because I don’t know if I can make it until 4:30.

After work, I need to go to the library. I wasn’t able to take this DVD back to the library last night (I watched Pride & Prejudice the other night – the new version – it was alright – not as good as the BBC version with Colin Firth), so I need to go tonight since it’s due today. Plus, there is a Snow Patrol CD on hold for me that I wanted to pick up and listen to on the way to and from work today – I guess I’ll listen to it on the way to and from work on Friday (or maybe to our Thanksgiving dinner destination if my husband will agree to listen to it).

I’ve had a bit of nausea this morning, but not too bad. To answer my mom’s comment in my last post, I usually feel alright in the morning, but today officially marks 6 weeks, so maybe I’ll start feeling it more in the morning and all day long. That’s when vanpool girl said she started to feel some morning sickness.

Well, I hope Nickie gets some great news at her ultrasound today! I’m looking forward to hearing the news. I can’t wait until the 27th either so Alli and I can go in for our ultrasounds! Only 5 more days!

9dp5dt

You guys, I’m going crazy. It’s only (almost) 11:30 a.m. on Monday. The last 24 hours seem to be going at a snail’s pace. I can’t stand it! Oh, I ended up going to bed last night at 8:15! 8:15!!!

I woke up this morning not feeling so good (AF-like cramps, nausea), but again, I’m not sure if it’s because of the side effects of the PIO or pregnancy. I’m hoping the latter. Speaking of the PIO, I now have little bumps on the sites where the PIO shots are being done. They are so itchy! It is really kinda annoying because I can’t be scratching at my desk!

My sister just wrote me to tell me that not only did she have that dream (which I think I blogged about a while back, but I don’t feel like looking for it) in which she saw this cycle will be the one that works for us, but my uncle also had this premonition that this cycle works too. I hope they’re right!

There are moments that I think that yes, this IVF definitely worked. I definitely feel pregnant. Then I can’t help it, but that negative thought keeps popping back into my head – we’ve always had negatives, why would we finally be lucky? That feeling I have of being pregnant could just be the progesterone.

However, despite those annoying negative thoughts, right now, I’m going to act like I am pregnant until told otherwise.

I’m not exactly sure when the news will come tomorrow. I plan to ask them tomorrow when they plan to call, but I just want to tell friends and family – though I know you already know this – wait until we contact you. I’m sure if it is good news, you will know right away…maybe. We’ll see. I’ve never gotten positive news, so I don’t know what we’re going to do. I may want to go outside and shout it out to the world. I may want some time to just celebrate with my husband before letting everyone know.

Either way, I’m sure I’ll post the news at some point tomorrow.

Until then, I’ll leave you a quote from the Dixie Chicks song “I Hope”

“I hope, for more love, more joy and laughter
I hope, we'll have more than we'll ever need
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly
And we can lose all the pain and misery
I hope, I hope”

Dixie Chicks

If you like the Dixie Chicks, they will be on VH1 Storytellers airing for the first time this Saturday at 9 ET. It doesn't appear that they will be talking about their song "So Hard", which would be kinda disappointing.

Tentative Transfer Day and Time

I heard from the nurse a short time ago. Right now, we have a tentative transfer day of Thursday at 11 a.m. She will call at 8:30 a.m. on Thursday to let us know if we are going forward with transfer that day or if we will be waiting until Day 5 (Saturday). The anticipation!

I finished with my relaxing music playlist on my iPod, so I'm all set!

One thing about transfer I am not looking forward to is having to have a full bladder during the procedure. I remember the last time I had to have a full bladder for a procedure, and well, it wasn't pleasant at all. But, I keep remembering, that this will all be worth it!

Oh, and I also forgot to mention we started the PIO shots this morning, and it wasn't that bad actually. I hardly felt it! I hope that continues!

Thanks!

Thank you so much for the mellow music ideas. I really appreciate all of them! I checked out all of them, and I had to pick and choose which ones to get (as I really shouldn't spend too much money these days). Of course, keep 'em coming!

Some of these artists I hadn't heard of - like Holly Brook - and I think I might really like her - thanks Sunny! And I forgot about the Anji CDs - thanks Nickie! I think someone in my support group mentioned those before.

For Kristen or anyone who might know - I looked on iTunes for Unchained Melody by Sarah M., but it wasn't there. Any idea where I might find it because I would love to have her version of that song.

One song I can't get enough of lately is How to Save a Life by The Fray (on one of the Grey's Anatomy CDs that Sunny mentioned).

Thanks again - now I just need to put it all together! I could really use the relaxing music now as, once again, I'm anxious about my doctor appointment. The next one is at 7:15 tomorrow morning - so early, but I need to get to my CLE. Hopefully, I'll get good news tomorrow so I can actually concentrate at this CLE!

My power is acting like it wants to go off, so I better go now. I'll post an update on my appointment tomorrow as soon as I can!

Mellow?

So one of the ladies in my support group suggested that I bring in my iPod for transfer and listen to some mellow and relaxing music. I have a few ideas, but is there anyone out there (including my non-infertile friends) with any ideas?

Also, speaking of music, another one of the ladies in my group made everyone a CD of some music she enjoys - some sad (like So Hard by the Dixie Chicks) and some fun (like This One's for the Girls by Martina McBride). For those that know me, usually, I am not a fan of country music, but sometimes I make an exception - especially with these songs as it was really sweet of her to make this CD. I am enjoying all of the songs on the CD.

Dreams & Another Year Older

I had the best dream last night – I was the happiest I have felt in such a long time. What made me so happy? I was pregnant. I was looking in the mirror and saw myself several months along. I was sad when I woke up and had to come back to reality. It reminds me of one of the episodes of The 4400 I saw a while back in which one of the main characters wanted to stay in this fantasy world because that is where her daughter was even if that meant that she would die in her real life. She was so happy there – she didn’t want to leave. I can understand.


As I was driving into work this morning, a song came on the radio called “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. This song – every time I hear it, one part of it makes me think of the way I would feel the first time I saw my baby , and it made me cry this morning. We were talking in my support group last night how tired we all are for feeling sad all the time; for getting angry at something so small; and for feeling bitter about the world and maybe a bit cynical. It’s been nearly 5 years since we starting trying. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, and I want to feel happy, but it is just so hard right now. I want my dream to come true.

For my birthday, my husband and I are going out to dinner to this really nice steakhouse in Seattle called Daniel's Broiler. I've heard so many good things about it, so hopefully, it hasn't been overhyped and hopefully, the cost is worth it.

More Rollercoaster of Emotions

I'm not sure if it's remembering the events of 9/11, or the vanpool girl having her baby, or PMS, or anxiety over our first IVF cycle or what, but this afternoon, I just couldn't be at work anymore. I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball and just cry. And when I got home, that's exactly what I did. I can't stand feeling this way. I have no motivation for work at all, which is really unfortunate timing since I have plenty of work to do. Oh, and my birthday is coming up on Wednesday - I'll be 33 years old. I never thought I would still be childless at 33, but then again, I never thought I'd ever do IVF and here I am, about to start on that journey of this IF rollercoaster.

What is wrong with me? Am I ever going to get out of this funk?

I've been watching Ellen DeGeneres' show since it started the new season last week, and she's been talking about making a life list - writing things down that you want to accomplish in your life. It's got to be pretty obvious what #1 is for me right now. One of the things that one of the guests mentioned putting on her list is "being able to say no without feeling guilty" and that got me thinking of a conversation I had with a coworker today as she was planning her husband's birthday party. She and I are very similar though she is 7 years younger than me - both of us feel like we need to please everyone all the time. We feel like we have to include everyone in everything though sometimes that just won't work. And we want to be considerate of others though sometimes they don't give us the same consideration (though sometimes people surprise us. I just got a birthday card from the last person I would have expected to remember my birthday and it isn't because he's inconsiderate (just the opposite, actually) - I just didn't think he would remember because we see each other maybe once or twice a year.)


Is that a flaw in our personalities? Both of us expressed desire in not wanting to be this way because being this way causes us pain sometimes. I guess that's why I feel guilt over not going to a friend's baby shower or not inviting this or that person to something I'm planning.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I need to go listen to some music that makes me happy and despite myself, that Justin Timberlake song "Sexy Back" is fun to listen to as is Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man" (which is currently my cell phone ring tone) (she really does have a good voice). Ha - "Sexy Back" just came on MTV! Nice timing!

I felt the need to post this...

This afternoon, the pregnant vanpool girl was talking about friends or relatives that she had that is or has gone through IVF. And it was nice of her to share these stories - after all, I read blogs and joined a support group so I could hear stories like this so I knew I wasn't alone in this. However, I just was having kind of a crappy day in that I kept thinking of IVF and how much I wish that this wasn't happening to me. I just can't even believe we've made it this far - IVF was something that other people had to do, not me! I guess I just wasn't in the mood to hear how it worked for others - I want to hear that it has worked for me. I'm sure most of you can understand this.

But tonight when I went walking around Greenlake with a friend, I think I gave the impression to my friend that I don't appreciate people trying to talk to me about this, that I don't appreciate hearing success stories, which isn't true. I don't want people to be afraid of saying the wrong thing or not trying to make me feel better with all of this. I need all the support I can get. I don't know why hearing pregnant vanpool girl talking about this annoyed me - I really don't know - I have a lot of hope IVF working for us, but I am so completely scared that it won't. I'm afraid of this whole process. If this doesn't work, this is it for us having a biological child and I'm not ready to move to adoption.

I'm rambling. I've just been feeling a lot of anxiety about all of this. It really hit me when I went to go sign the loan documents the other day - all that money! Sure, being in the shared risk program eases some of the anxiety, but there is still a lot of anxiety for reasons I've mentioned before - the physical side of the process and if it doesn't work, we'll have to grieve the loss of not having a biological child.

Anyway, I should stop rambling. I'm really excited about tomorrow - at least the concert part of the day - not so much the drive to and from the Gorge part of the day. I'm sure the Dave Matthews Band will put on a great show as they always do (this is my 3rd time seeing them), so it will be worth it.

Good Song

I was just reading Beth's blog and she links to a song written by two of the members of the Dixie Chicks that is about their struggles with infertility - it's called "So Hard". Both of the women did eventually conceive with IVF. I can't stop listening to the song!

Here's an article about it. I cannot believe someone actually said to one of them "'Oh, so you took the easy way' after that person found out they conceived from IVF. How the hell is this the easy way? Yep, all that medication, including some received from shots; ultrasounds; pain (both physical and emotional), not to mention the cost = an easy way to conceive. These are probably the same people who think adoption is easy too.

Anyway, here are the lyrics...


Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard