Desperately Seeking Baby...Babies Found

My thoughts on raising twins and a singleton after infertility.

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Thursday, March 30, 2006

Just a Few Random Things...

I just wanted to write a few random things I've been thinking about today so far...

1 - The ride into work today. Not fun. I rode in the vanpool today, and, of course, the talk turned to vanpool girl's pregnancy and where she would have the baby. I had my iPod turned on, but I still hear it. It's like the try to talk as loud as they can. All I have to say is that I hope I get pregnant soon so I don't go deaf from having my iPod that loud.

2 - Today is Resolve's advocacy day. I can't wait to hear how it all went!

3 - I really appreciate the support that I get from all of you here in blogland and from my support group. I just don't know what I would do without all of you. I just don't feel like I'm getting the support I need from my friends. I don't know if they just don't know what to say and just don't want to say the wrong thing (which I can't blame them for feeling that way because we all know people can say some rather offensive or ignorant things) or they just don't want to hear about my infertility anymore. I think it's the latter because they used to say something. Perhaps, they think I whine too much or perhaps they ignore me, as someone said on one blog, because I've become a burden on them. However, it would be nice if they acknowledged it - especially when I say I'm upset (like yesterday). I don't know. It's just the way I feel right now. I guess I just wish, for once, someone I know outside blogland would ask how I'm doing with everything.

4 - And now for something not related to infertility - my current pet peeve - people who can't seem to use their signals. Am I supposed to read their minds on what they want to do?

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Looking at the Past

I was just looking at past entries I've made on this blog and came across this one in which I talk about vanpool girl - the one that's pregnant. I guess she was right - she would be pregnant in 2006...

Me as a South Park character

I meant to post the link for this - here it is!


So I had an ultrasound this morning and she found one follicle on the right side that was at 18, and then two on the left side - one was at 14 and the other at 10. I asked her whether she thinks we should do an IUI this cycle, and she said that she doesn't think it would be a good use of our money considering that the right side is the dominant side this cycle. I asked her about the "blocked" tube, and she said "that is what we are working with" - in that, she's working with the idea that it is blocked based on what the fact that the dye still wasn't coming out on its own. And I do agree with her in that if the right side
is dominant, it wouldn't make sense for me to spend money on something that probably won't work.

She said I should try Clomid again next cycle, and maybe the left side will be the dominant side and we could try an IUI if we want. I think she sensed my disappointment because that's when she said that we should feel hopeful because she really thinks that she can get me pregnant because the estrogen and FSH levels were where they are supposed to be, my ovaries looked good, and because I'm "only" 32.

Even though she was saying these things, I have to say I was really
disappointed to hear that the right side was the dominant side this cycle. It just feels like it is always the right side that's dominant and the left side just doesn't seem to want to work as hard. Although I wasn't planning on doing an IUI this cycle, I was starting to really want to after my appointment last Monday when the idea was put forward, so I am disappointed that we aren't. More than disappointed really. It's so frustrating because although we are taking steps to get pregnant, I don't feel like we're moving forward at all.

So I'll go back again at the beginning of the next cycle for an ultrasound and for the Clomid, then back again mid cycle for another ultrasound to see what my body does that cycle.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

What? The Resolve CEO said THAT?

I just came across this Newsweek article while reading BrooklynGirl's blog in response to the article. The article is of an interview with Joseph Isaacs, the President and CEO of Resolve.

Some of his answers seemed like something someone would have said several decades ago, not in 2006. He is saying that things like obesity, smoking, alcohol, lack of exercise, etc. are the leading causes of infertility. Really? If I just start exercising, then I'll get pregnant! I just don't know what to say in response to what he said. BrooklynGirl sums it up pretty well, I think.

: Resolve put out this letter in response, as well as this letter to Newsweek.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Vampire Day

Today I had yet another blood draw to once again check my estradiol and FSH - today is CD10. Hopefully, everything is as it should be. I'm a little nervous about what the doctor may say on Wed. when I go in for an ultrasound. Will everything look good enough for us to do an IUI? I'm hoping yes. I was a little hesitant about doing an IUI this cycle after the doctor telling me my estradiol levels were low, but maybe it will be better this cycle.

Luckily, it seems Clomid didn't pose any problems for me. Not any that I noticed anyway. I've been in a bit of a funk, but I don't know if it's because of Clomid or trying to deal with pregnant co-workers and pregnant vanpool girl and of course, dealing with infertility in the first place.

One of my bosses had her baby on Friday - a little tiny thing (5 lbs 14 oz.) - I'm happy that her baby appears to be healthy as my boss did have a difficult pregnancy this time around. I'm also happy we didn't have a baby shower for her - though I'm thinking they might plan one for my coworker. Maybe not though - I'm hoping not.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'll have more to report on Wednesday probably.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Why are People so Heartless?

I came across this blog a while back that's sole purpose is to make fun of other people - I won't link to it because I don't want to encourage this even more, but I just wanted to comment on it. One type of blog that they apparently think is so incredibly funny is infertility blogs. None of these people, including their readers, seem to even want to try to understand how hard infertility is on a person - both male and female. They can't possibly grasp that this can be just as devastating as other issues that people can go through in their lives. It is like we are grieving each and every time AF shows up. I, like so many others in blogland, need support to get through this - which is why so many of us blog - so we know we are not alone in this.

Last night, I was starting to feel hopeful. I was thinking about how great it would be if the doctor gave us the o.k. to do an IUI, and then it worked! How happy I would be that the second I knew, the whole world would know. I was feeling good about things, then it just seemed like my little tiny bubble of hope burst. I went back to how depressed I am that I am going through this. That I have to take Clomid to help me get pregnant; that I have to spend so much money on something that so many people take for granted.

This morning, I was in my vanpool into work, and right there in the middle of the floor between the driver's seat and the passenger seat was a pregnancy book. And I wondered why she couldn't have possibly put that book in her bag. She just had to leave it out for me to see. Then she went on to complain about being pregnant! My husband tells me that when I finally get pregnant, I will be the happiest pregnant woman in the world - even while I'm feeling nauseous. I'll be happy because I'm pregnant! I really want to tell this person that at least, she's pregnant. At least, she didn't have to go through fertility treatments to get her baby. This morning, I did have my iPod, but I can only turn it up so high. And I dread the times when it is just me and her in the van because she will feel the need to talk about her pregnancy and will bring it up whichever way she can.

Oh, and this morning, I saw her in the deli and she went up and told this other person that she was pregnant and the other girl squealed and gave her a big hug. And that just upset me even more not because I'm not happy for her, but because I want that to be me!

Hopefully, I get out of this funk soon. Tonight I'm supposed to go to a Bachelorette party, so I should probably be in a better mood before then.

On another note, unfortunately, I'm going to miss the UW-UConn game - so Go Huskies (that would be UW Huskies (my alma mater) - not the UConn Huskies)!


Oh, and what a heartbreaking loss for Gonzaga. I felt so bad for Adam Morrison last night. :-(

(I'm from Spokane - I have to root for the home team)!

Thursday, March 23, 2006


I sat down to watch Lost last night, and when two of the characters on the show - in a flashback - started talking about seeing a fertility doctor when they've trying for a year, I groaned because I was afraid of what they would say. My first reaction was that it wasn't too bad, but when I think about it and read what others have to say about it, it was kinda...

Once again, we have the test results that show everything. And like Olivia Drab says, since when does an ultrasound make it so the doctor can diagnose endo and then to also tell the doctor that this couple will not be able to bear any children because of it?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Test Results

I had to call my RE's office to find out what the test results were from Monday's blood draw since they weren't calling me to tell me. My FSH is 4.4 and my E2 was at 28. So everything, so far, looks normal.

I started the Clomid today. Let the good times roll!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Back to the RE

Later in the day on Saturday, after I wrote that last post, AF decided to show up for sure. Spotting became a whole lot more. She was here. So it was officially CD1 on Saturday. It turns out my fever had not gone away like I had thought. So the cycle ended up being 30 days long - I'm not sure I ovulated at all this last cycle.

Anyway, because today was CD3, I went into my RE's office. She wanted me to come in for some bloodwork - test FSH and Estradiol again (waiting for the results) - and for an ultrasound (which looked good). I actually didn't get to see my RE this afternoon, but the person I did see talked to her about what they think my next step should be. Apparently, after what happened last cycle with my eggs not being anywhere close to mature on Day 12, she thinks I should do the Clomid Challenge with 100mg each day on Days 5-9. Then back for more bloodwork on Day 10 and an ultrasound on Day 12. I asked her why she wants to do this since I've done Clomid before and she said Dr. Uhlir wants to do it as a diagnostic test and this time, with a higher dosage (when I did it before - last time was Nov. 2004ish). She said if my eggs mature when they are supposed to, we could do an IUI this cycle. Right now, I don't think I want to do an IUI this cycle, but if my estradiol numbers come back good, then maybe?

I'm not looking forward to being on Clomid again. It wasn't my favorite thing, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help me get pregnant.

Saturday, March 18, 2006


So the past few days I've had a fever, which sucked, but I stayed home from work and I seem to be doing better now. But this morning, I woke up with cramping, which I thought was weird since it was CD 31 and fertility friend said that ovulation probably occurred on CD22. Well, when I put in the temp this morning (I discarded the previous two days since they were close to 100 degrees), it said ovulation happened on CD26. Um, no. I'm cramping and spotting. My temp this morning was 98.7 - which is slightly higher than it normally is this time of my cycle, but close to normal. I'm wondering if I should discard today's temp too?

If I had ovulated on CD26, I shouldn't be spotting already and having cramps! CD22 would make more sense to have spotting now. Fertility Friend must be wrong on this one, I think, or my cycle is all out of whack since I haven't been feeling that great for a while. I hate when I can't tell what's going on with my cycle!

Oh, and to answer some questions. We haven't decided yet if we are going to go with the 2nd opinion RE or our current RE. We were going to decide after we talked to our current RE - which if the spotting becomes something more, that should be pretty soon. I don't recall either RE mentioning paratubal cysts. 'll have to ask about that.

The 2nd opinion doctor mentioned that Femara isn't approved as a fertility drug, but they were using it because they have had good results with it. I want to ask my current RE about it when I see her again.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Adoption Shows & Infertility Ads

Friday morning as my alarm went off, I heard a commercial on the radio that I never expected to hear. It was an ad for a fertility clinic, and they were promoting IVF. It was just so weird because I always hear the ads for Planned Parenthood or whatever that ask "are you pregnant and don't know what to do?" or "are you afraid that you're pregnant?" or whatever. I have never heard an ad "are you trying to get pregnant and it isn't working?" or "are you depressed each month that you aren't pregnant?" (Just so you know, this isn't the exact words - maybe not even close - but you get the gist.)

On Sunday morning, I was watching VH1 when a show came on called "DMC: My Adoption Journey". It was an interesting and sad and happy show. I first learned that DMC was adopted when he did a song with Sarah McLachlan called "Just Like Me" (used music & lyrics from "Cats in the Cradle") and my sister sent me the link to the video - what a moving video! I couldn't find a link directly to the video, but you can find it on yahoo or msn or whatever if you were interested in seeing it (I found it by searching under the name of the song on yahoo).

2nd opinion

Blogger is being really annoying today. I had a post all written out and lost it! UGH! Plus, I'm feeling like crap again. I was feeling better, but with all the running around I've done this past weekend and this week, I haven't had a chance to relax really. Of course, I took the vanpool into to work, and since the person who handles getting cabs for vanpool people to leave early isn't answering my voice mail!

Anyway, I went to go see the 2nd opinion doctor yesterday. And she did give me some hope! The first ray of hope she gave me is that she thinks we should try IUI again, but this time with Letrozole (Femara). I'll all about spending $500 as opposed to $15,000. She said to try that once or twice, and if that doesn't work, then move on to IVF. She did say I have a 60% chance of it working, which is about what my current RE said (she said 50% with IVF - she didn't recommend IUIs again).

The other ray of hope that she gave me is that she, from the laparascopy notes, doesn't think that my right fallopian is completely blocked, like I had thought. She said that there is an opening, but the reason the dye didn't come out is that there is a little bubble on the fallopian tube that the dye was collecting in. Once my current RE pressed on the bubble, the dye came out. So technically, she said, it isn't a typical blocked tube. Of course, that little bubble is probably causing problems with the egg getting where it needs to go to.

Also, I asked her about my low estrogen and told her that I was using herbal medicine that my acupuncturist gave me. She said that sometimes the herbal medicine, along with some fertility drugs, can cause estrogen levels to weaken. She suggested that I stop using the herbal medicine for a while and test again next cycle to see if the estrogen levels were still low. So I'm going to do that to see if it makes any difference. She also said that if I do end up doing an IUI or IVF that I should stop taking the herbal medicine anyway since they don't really know how the different drugs would interact with each other.

Well, I think that's about it. I'm trying to remember if there's anything else. If I think of anything, I'll be sure to post it.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Quick Post

Just a quick little post. Today I have my appointment with the 2nd opinion doctor @ 2 p.m. I'm a little nervous about it. I will write later when I have time to tell everyone what she said.

Today is CD27. Fertility Friend changed its mind and said ovulation occurred on CD22 - I'm not so sure. So it's looking like it could be a 36 or so day cycle.

Well, that's all for now!


Thursday, March 09, 2006

Low Estrogen

I was just looking at signs and symptoms of low estrogen levels, and I now know a possible reason for why my short term memory has been rather bad lately and why I feel so tired all the time. I feel so exhausted right now. I could fall asleep right now if I wasn't at work. Low estrogen levels can also increase the chances of depression. And, of course, this article didn't make me feel that great!

It's also interesting that this article mentions that low estrogen can cause inflammation of the gums. Inflammation of my gums is the reason the dentist wants me coming back every 4 months.

Hopefully, when I go back to the RE on Day 3 of my next cycle, she will have some idea on what to do to increase my estrogen levels and that will help with the symptoms I mentioned above.


Fertility Friend seems to think that I ovulated on CD19.

Another Day...

Thank you everyone for the well wishes! I thought I was starting to feel better yesterday so I went into work, but today, I still feel kinda achy (probably because of my crazy day yesterday) - though my temperature didn't raise at all.

My temp is still on the low side, so I have no idea what's going on. Today is CD22. It kinda went up, but only .2 of a degree.

I went to go get my medical records yesterday morning (and yesterday ended up being a horrible day for me to drive in rather than taking the vanpool - more on this later). I picked up records and took them the other doctor's office and met the guy I had spoken to on the phone. He is just the nicest person I have ever met - so happy too. So far, I like the reception at the 2nd opinion doctor's place better than my current RE. I have the 2nd opinion appointment on Tuesday afternoon.

Anyway, back to why yesterday was a horrible day to drive in - the weather was just crappy here in the Seattle area. The wind was really strong and caused the 520 floating bridge to be closed during rush hour traffic (it is one of the bridges that links the Eastside with Seattle), which meant a lot of people were coming over to the I-90 floating bridge to cross Lake Washington (and I didn't get the benefit of using the carpool lane like the vanpool does)(I take I-90 to I-5 to get home). It took me 1 1/2 hours to get home last night - typically, I could get home in about 45 minutes. OMG, I had to go to the bathroom so bad when I finally got home (I have a tiny bladder).

So I get home and I eat quickly because I had to go notarize something for a friend before my acupuncture appointment. I had no time to rest yesterday at all, which is probably why I feel achy again. I wish I didn't have to come into work today, but I have so many things that had to go out today since I won't be in the office tomorrow because I'm traveling to Spokane, WA (where my family lives). I am so exhausted.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Doctor's Offices and Achiness

My RE's office FINALLY called me back. I had requested on Monday morning to have my medical records copied for me and ready to go as soon as possible so I could take them to the 2nd opinion doctor (thankfully, just 5 floors down from my current RE's office). The guy told me he could have them for me by Tuesday. He would call me back on Monday afternoon to tell me for sure. Well, he never called by 3:30 yesterday, so I left a message for him to call me back. I needed to know when they were ready so I would drive my own car into work rather than taking the vanpool. And again, this morning, I didn't hear from him by 11 this morning,so I called again and left another message. Well, the records guy finally called me back and they will be ready tomorrow morning.

I'm just a little anxious to get the records to the 2nd opinion doctor and to take a look at my records myself. I really want to know what my estrogen levels were way back when they tested it the first time I came to this RE. I want to know if they were low then or were they normal. She never said anything, so I assume normal then and this low estrogen thing is just a new development, but I don't know that for sure.

And now, my body aches all over. I really hope I didn't catch the flu that everyone else seems to be getting. :-(

Monday, March 06, 2006

More Random Stuff

1) CD19 - still no sign of ovulation. Apparently, I'm back to the really long cycles again.

2) I really, really, really do not like my sister's husband. He is very controlling and telling her that she is being disrespectful to him when she wants to make new friends - or friends at all, I really should say. He threatens her that he will take their 2 boys from her if she tries to leave - what makes this threat even worse is that they also have 2 girls - apparently, he doesn't care about them. There's so much more to say about this, but this would be one big long post if I did. He's such an a**!

3) I watched the Oscars last night, and I don't care what the critics say, I love Jon Stewart. I love him on The Daily Show and I thought he did a good job last night. I wasn't at all surprised to see who won certain awards, though I was surprised who won best song and best picture! Out of all the best pic nominees, I've only seen Brokeback Mountain. I'd like to see the others at some point though.

4) And I just called for my annual exam with the OB/GYN (it feels weird to go to my normal doctor for an exam when I feel like I've been examined every which way by the RE), and wouldn't you know it... she's on maternity leave so I have to see some other doctor.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Random Stuff

1) Today is CD16 - no sign of ovulation yet. I wish I knew what my estrogen level was today.

2) For the past few days, my neck has been bothering me - I jokingly blamed it on one of the vanpool drivers who likes to slam on the brakes for no apparent reason. It was getting better until...

3) This morning, my vanpool got into a car accident (it was not the driver I mentioned above that was driving). Someone rearended us on I-90 (it's a nice sunny day in the Seattle area - which means the sun is shining directly into our eyes on the way into to work). Several people braked in front of us, so we did too, then we hear someone behind us skidding on the road and just a couple seconds later hit us. No one was hurt (well, except my neck hurts again) and the van was fine. I'm not sure about the other car because it didn't pull over to stop! The driver of the car just continued going. Luckily, all of us got the license plate and the make the car. An exciting commute this morning!

4) Last night, instead of exercising like I should, my husband and I went to go see a friend sing at an internet cafe for open mike night. I felt so out of place there - it seemed like we were so old compared to everyone else there (mostly teenagers). I do plan to exercise tonight (hopefully, the sun stays out)!

5) Yesterday, I went in for a cleaning at the dentist office and it sucked. I swear it is just like torture.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

What I Learned Yesterday...

I learned that a major corporation in the Seattle area offers infertility treatment insurance coverage (including IUI and IVF) to its employees and another is considering adding such coverage. I either a) need to go work for either one of these companies or b) get my own company to have such coverage. I think my stress level would go way down if I knew insurance would cover some or all of this treatment - it would mean I could go do the treatment now when I'm "young" and when it has a higher chance of working rather than waiting who knows how long.