Tyra & Birth Website

I was reading a blog earlier and the writer mentioned a show that Tyra Banks taped yesterday (and will air in February (or so I hear)) – here is the info on the show…


DO YOU KNOW A WOMAN OBSESSED WITH BECOMING PREGNANT?
Do you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom? Have you seen and heard her struggle for years, felt her unvoiced jealously and seen her desperation first hand? Have you watched silently for too long as she gets her hopes up only to be disappointed and heartbroken when she can't conceive? Has she tried extreme methods and spent a lot of money to get pregnant with no luck? Do you want to finally tell her she needs to stop the emotional and physical stress on her body and seriously consider adoption or a surrogate alternative?

WTH? Several blogs have already talked about this and I’m sure those of you who read this blog know exactly what is so offensive about the questions above, so I won’t go into this as much as I could have. Adoption and surrogacy are easy and inexpensive, didn’t you know? And they don’t have any emotional roller coasters that people go on unlike the “obsession” to get pregnant? Gah! There is so much more I could say. I already don’t like Tyra, but this definitely made my opinion of her worse. I’m sure she didn’t write the above, but she must have some say – isn’t she an executive producer of the show (I’m guessing as I really have no idea, but I think most hosts are of their shows). I would hope a true friend or a caring relative would not bring their friend/relative onto a nationally televised show to tell them their feelings aren’t worthy of being felt and he/she should just stop feeling that way. How incredibly insensitive. O.K. I wrote more than I was going to… I

On another topic, a while back I was driving home and in front of me was this car with the bumper sticker with trustbirth.com on it. I was just going through some stuff in my bag and came across an envelope I wrote the website on so I could remember to look at it. There was another bumper sticker with the woman’s website too – she’s apparently a doula so having the trustbirth bumper sticker makes sense.

Anyway, I’m curious what others think of what this organization says. They seem to want births to happen at home, not in the hospital because in the hospital, the woman isn’t in charge anymore. Plus, it isn’t a medical issue – it’s a natural event. They also seem to advocate for a natural birth – which is fine (I certainly wouldn’t want to do it without drugs – plus drugs kept my babies from coming way too early as did my doctor, so I’m glad she was in charge and not me). Anyway, let me know what you think.

Baby Talk and TV

I wonder if anyone still struggling with infertility still reads this blog. I would imagine with all my posts with pictures and videos would scare a lot of people away still going through it. I really didn't mean to cause anyone grief. Sorry. I guess I was just excited to show off Benjamin and Ella.

On that note, if you don't want to hear about babies, you probably should stop reading this post now. And I probably should say that this blog has pretty much become a mom blog as that is all I know right now, so if this hurts you, I am so sorry. Please know that anyone going through infertility, I hurt for you. I wish you the happiness that I have been fortunate enough to obtain.

************************************************************************

Jon and I were watching Scrubs the other night. This is a show that I had gotten irritated at with its storyline of two of the characters trying to get pregnant and her going for *the* test after a couple months (or something like that). I continue to watch it though because it can be funny or, in last Thursday's night's show, cry-worthy. On the show, the main character and his pseudo-girlfriend were having a baby and when they had the baby and the baby cried out, it made me and my husband tear up (I wonder if he wants me sharing that with the world). That scene reminded me of the first time I heard Ella cry - right when they took her out of me and announced the baby was a girl. What a wonderful moment that was. When they took out Benjamin, he didn't cry - he was very quiet. All I remember of him is that they announced that he was a big boy (for a twin). In those two minutes in the OR, I became a mother and I cried then and I cried watching that scene because how wonderful is that sound of a baby crying for the first time.

I wish I could give them hugs right now. And although they both woke up at 4 a.m. today and so I've been awake ever since, I love them with all my heart and couldn't imagine life without them.

National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Most people reading this blog already know all about infertility and what it can do to someone going through it and know that things like "just relax" and "just adopt" are not good things to say. However, if there is anyone out there that wants to learn more, please go to the link above - it's to Resolve's website - they are an infertility organiztion.

Or you can read the blogs to those I've linked to off to the right who have gone through infertility or are still on that emotional rollercoaster. There's also a video you can watch that I've linked to off to the right that I found to be a great video to show those who aren't going through it.

I'm sure there are many other places to go, but that's all I'll mention.

2006, today, and many questions

I had thought about doing a year in review - month by month, but that just seems like too much work. Let's just say that 2006 was one of ups and downs. We had 2 failed IUIs before our successful IVF. That was probably the biggest change in 2006. We are just over 12 weeks right now - holy wow!

We have a NT scan tomorrow morning (early at 7:30 a.m.). I'm excited to go to it as it is another chance to see those wigglers of ours. I can't wait!

If you have the National Geographic Channel, they are airing a show called "In the Womb: Multiples" on January 14. I'm looking forward to watching this - it should be really interesting. My husband and I just got through watching "In the Womb: Animals" which was very interesting and educational!

Now to the questions:

1) Does anyone know exactly how much weight I should have gained by this point? The twin book I have says I should have gained 25 pounds by week 20 - I seriously don't think that's possible the way things are going right now. I seem to be hovering around a certain weight (I will not mention here). However, lately, I have been very, very hungry. The nausea is still there, but it seems to be going away more and more each day (knock on wood). Last night, I just couldn't eat enough food and today is no different. Perhaps, I will be able to gain a certain amount of weight (not 25 pounds though) in 8 weeks.

2) My husband and I were discussing whether or not it is a good idea to have our babies sleep in the same bed as us in their early months because we will be getting up with them regularly. I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm curious about other opinions.

3) We went to Babies 'R Us the other day, and I am completely overwhelmed. My sister has been giving me her suggestions and sent along a list of things to get she saw on the web (though some things she pointed out aren't necessary). Any opinions on brands for cribs, bottles, diapers, etc.? What sort of things are a must and which things aren't?

4) We don't know the gender of our babies, and might not for some time now, but we started a discussion on circumcision and whether we would do this procedure should we have a boy. I'm torn on what to do. Any opinions on this topic?

Answers

To answer Alli's question, I was told that my clinic won't take the sharps containers to dispose of it for us. You would think with all the money we are paying these guys that would be one service they would provide, but no. The last clinic I went to, they did take it back although they didn't really want to, but since we had it with us, they did. I didn't check hospitals though.


And to answer Lori's question, I will be doing my best to hold off on testing before Tuesday. It will be hard though. I resisted buying a HPT while at Target today.

A nice feeling...

I just got a call from the nurse from my clinic asking how I was doing. It caught me off guard, but it was so nice to have someone ask how I'm doing even if this particular person asks all the patients she works with how they're doing. It still made me feel good.

I told her I've been cramping, and she asked if I've spotted at all, and I said no. And she said it could be implantation so she's hoping it's that and not the other possible outcome. She asked if I'm planning to test at all, and I said no, that I'm doing my best to wait until Tuesday. She said that would be good because you don't want to test too early and get a negative when it could be positive. My sister send me this link earlier of women who described feeling like AF was going to show up any day now, even well into their pregnancy, when they were pregnant. It certainly made me feel a little better, so thanks Trina for sending that to me!

About doing HPTs, I was talking to a friend from my support group last night (the one that went to the movie with me), and she said that if she had to do it over again, she would go do the beta
test, then come home and do the HPT, so she could be prepared when the clinic calls. I'm thinking of doing that.

Update & Other Info

There are quite a few things that I want to mention today:

1) Transfer will happen on Saturday! I just got the phone call from the embryologist. She said that 4 of the embryos are at 8 cells and the other 3 are looking good as well (she didn't say how many cells). She said a nurse will call later this afternoon with the exact time. Just in case, this morning, I started to drink some of the water and drinking that much water that quickly just made me feel ill. The instructions said to drink 24-32 oz. in the early morning (but I could go to the bathroom - which I did like 4 times), then an hour before transfer to drink that same amount of water in 30 minutes! Gah! That's way too much water to fill up my bladder. Anywho, that's what's going on with that.

2) Next week is National Infertility Awareness Week.

3) PIO shots - I had been heating up the PIO and using a heating pad before the shot, but I hadn't thought of putting the heating pad on afterwards. That's a good idea - though that might mean I'd have to wake up even sooner (right now, the alarm goes off at 6 and we do the shot about 5-10 minutes later). So far, I haven't had any problems though my back side does feel a little sore.

4) In case some of you are wondering, if you are using an RSS reader, some of my old posts are popping up as new and that's because I'm going back and labeling each post.

I was reminded of something...

...when reading a post from another fellow infertile blogger. I don't want to sound like I'm being rude or anything - I just want to set the record straight for those who don't know.

When transfer happens, it is not the same as implantation. The embryos will need to implant themselves. If only the doctors could get the embryos to implant at the time of transfer! Also, IVF doesn't work everytime, so one cannot assume that I will get pregnant my first time using this procedure. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I have a lot of hope it will work for us, but I am not pregnant yet. I had to say more times than necessary today that having 7 embryos does not mean I am pregnant. Who knows what will happen in between now and whenever transfer may happen - either tomorrow or Saturday. Who knows what will happen in between transfer and the beta test.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that.

Grrr...with two good things

I don’t know what it is, but I am just extremely irritated by most people the last couple days. It doesn’t seem to matter what they do or don’t do – I’m just irritated. It also doesn’t help that I keep having twinges of pain - I could feel it coming last night – possibly PMS cramps or possibly some side effect of one of the medications I’m on. All I know is that it kinda hurts. I was going to write about all of the things that are irritating me, but well, let’s just say most everything is irritating me these days. Oh, and today, my body decided to start on the hot flashes – lovely side effect.

I took my last BCP on Saturday and today is the last day for the Doxycycline for a while. I have my suppression check tomorrow @ 2 – hopefully, everything is properly suppressed so we can start the stim. drugs on Saturday.

I got the sweetest e-mail from a friend last night asking how I was doing with the shots and she said she was thinking of us. It was really a nice surprise and it came at the best time when I was feeling a bit irritated.

Awww, I just got some cute pictures from my sister – there’s one pic that shows all four of her kids and it just cracks me up because the youngest poses for the camera all the time and this picture is no exception. You can see it here if you want to. That just makes the day a little better.

You Know What...

I realized something this morning. Why am I still taking my temperature every morning? I really don't need to do that anymore, so this morning was the last time I will take my temperature (at least when it comes to ttc). I should have done this a long time ago, but it just became habit.

Semi-Venting

You know what sucks about having people you know in "real-life" read this blog? You have no place to vent some of the things you're feeling and thinking (well, except at support group). At any other point in my life, when I didn't have all these emotions bubbling at the service, this wouldn't have bothered me (it is something so petty). After all, it could be seen as my fault, but I guess it goes back to my post from yesterday and what I was saying there. At least, that is the way I feel right now.

That's all I'm going to say about that.


Another thing that is bothering me now is something that really hit a chord with me at my support group meeting tonight. One of the women was mentioning getting close to what her due date would have been had the IVF been successful and continued that way, and it got me to thinking of where I would be had any of my IUIs worked. I could have a 1 year old if the first one had worked. I would have been due in January had the 2nd one worked. I would have been due in April had the 3rd one worked. I hadn't thought about that until now, but I KNOW that when we do our first IVF cycle and I see those embryos - if that doesn't work, that due date will be something I won't be able to forget. After all, seeing those embryos, those are your babies. It will be all the more devastating if it doesn't work then.

Anyway, I should get ready for bed. What a great note to go to bed with, huh?

No Title For This Post

There's nothing like having to explain yourself to people on the reason why you weren't going to the baby shower, which is what happened in the vanpool this morning. Speaking of, I saw the pictures of the baby and OMG, so cute and so tiny! I'm so looking forward to having a baby of my own.

You know another thing that annoys me - why do people when they are talking about the biological parents of an adopted child say "the real mother" or "the real father". The people that are raising this child do exist - they are real. I know what people mean when they say that, but it drives me crazy!

On another topic (and this might be a little TMI for some people) - I thought for sure that my temp would drop today and just in time for my birthday, AF would arrive, but it stayed up. Hmm, it will probably drop tomorrow with AF arriving on Thursday. Oh, and speaking of the imminent arrival of AF, the nurse at the clinic still hasn't responded to me. I guess since I'm not actually in the middle of a cycle, they could care less.

More Rollercoaster of Emotions

I'm not sure if it's remembering the events of 9/11, or the vanpool girl having her baby, or PMS, or anxiety over our first IVF cycle or what, but this afternoon, I just couldn't be at work anymore. I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball and just cry. And when I got home, that's exactly what I did. I can't stand feeling this way. I have no motivation for work at all, which is really unfortunate timing since I have plenty of work to do. Oh, and my birthday is coming up on Wednesday - I'll be 33 years old. I never thought I would still be childless at 33, but then again, I never thought I'd ever do IVF and here I am, about to start on that journey of this IF rollercoaster.

What is wrong with me? Am I ever going to get out of this funk?

I've been watching Ellen DeGeneres' show since it started the new season last week, and she's been talking about making a life list - writing things down that you want to accomplish in your life. It's got to be pretty obvious what #1 is for me right now. One of the things that one of the guests mentioned putting on her list is "being able to say no without feeling guilty" and that got me thinking of a conversation I had with a coworker today as she was planning her husband's birthday party. She and I are very similar though she is 7 years younger than me - both of us feel like we need to please everyone all the time. We feel like we have to include everyone in everything though sometimes that just won't work. And we want to be considerate of others though sometimes they don't give us the same consideration (though sometimes people surprise us. I just got a birthday card from the last person I would have expected to remember my birthday and it isn't because he's inconsiderate (just the opposite, actually) - I just didn't think he would remember because we see each other maybe once or twice a year.)


Is that a flaw in our personalities? Both of us expressed desire in not wanting to be this way because being this way causes us pain sometimes. I guess that's why I feel guilt over not going to a friend's baby shower or not inviting this or that person to something I'm planning.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I need to go listen to some music that makes me happy and despite myself, that Justin Timberlake song "Sexy Back" is fun to listen to as is Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man" (which is currently my cell phone ring tone) (she really does have a good voice). Ha - "Sexy Back" just came on MTV! Nice timing!

I felt the need to post this...

This afternoon, the pregnant vanpool girl was talking about friends or relatives that she had that is or has gone through IVF. And it was nice of her to share these stories - after all, I read blogs and joined a support group so I could hear stories like this so I knew I wasn't alone in this. However, I just was having kind of a crappy day in that I kept thinking of IVF and how much I wish that this wasn't happening to me. I just can't even believe we've made it this far - IVF was something that other people had to do, not me! I guess I just wasn't in the mood to hear how it worked for others - I want to hear that it has worked for me. I'm sure most of you can understand this.

But tonight when I went walking around Greenlake with a friend, I think I gave the impression to my friend that I don't appreciate people trying to talk to me about this, that I don't appreciate hearing success stories, which isn't true. I don't want people to be afraid of saying the wrong thing or not trying to make me feel better with all of this. I need all the support I can get. I don't know why hearing pregnant vanpool girl talking about this annoyed me - I really don't know - I have a lot of hope IVF working for us, but I am so completely scared that it won't. I'm afraid of this whole process. If this doesn't work, this is it for us having a biological child and I'm not ready to move to adoption.

I'm rambling. I've just been feeling a lot of anxiety about all of this. It really hit me when I went to go sign the loan documents the other day - all that money! Sure, being in the shared risk program eases some of the anxiety, but there is still a lot of anxiety for reasons I've mentioned before - the physical side of the process and if it doesn't work, we'll have to grieve the loss of not having a biological child.

Anyway, I should stop rambling. I'm really excited about tomorrow - at least the concert part of the day - not so much the drive to and from the Gorge part of the day. I'm sure the Dave Matthews Band will put on a great show as they always do (this is my 3rd time seeing them), so it will be worth it.

Some Info

I found two websites (here and here) that give a good description (as far as I can tell - having not been through IVF yet, I'm not completely sure) of the process involved in going through IVF. This will explain why I'm being put on birth control pills and the other drugs and steps involved in IVF. Just thought I'd share since there was a question on the birth control pills part.

The thread that binds us together

If you haven't already seen this, over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters is a great idea. Each of us, that want to, can wear a pomegranate thread on our right wrist to further create a community among those going through infertility and to also start conversations about infertility. I'm going to try to find this thread this weekend (if I have time)!

Wasn't too bad

Well, I had the SHG done yesterday and it wasn't too bad. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't nearly as painful as the HSG I had done a long time ago. And this test didn't last nearly as long as the HSG (or maybe that one just felt like it lasted forever since it hurt so badly). One weird part about the SHG is that when she was done and took out the "dil*do cam", all the saline came rushing out - and I thought "hmm, I wonder if this is what it feels like when a pregnant woman's water breaks". It was quite awkward to walk back to the dressing room with saline running down your legs.

The doctor told me that everything looked good. (I had thought it strange that they want this test done because I thought, like the HSG, they were checking my fallopian tubes and you don't need your tubes for IVF. Well, apparently, the SHG is also used to check the uterus - which completely makes sense.)


Anyway, the next part was the bloodwork. And once again, I will state that I HATE GIVING BLOOD! My veins are so tiny, so they always have a hard time finding a vein to get blood from. The guy poked in my arm, but nothing was happening, so I told him just to use the veins in my wrist. You can see those and they are bigger. So he put the needle into my left wrist and my blood didn't want to come out too much. He got out a little bit, but not enough for the tests. So....he moved to the other wrist and that one was no problem! UGH - this is exactly why I don't donate blood.

So I was told that the results from the blood tests should be in today and the results of my husband's test on Monday. The nurse told me that she will send the results directly to the shared risk clinic when they become available. I'll be calling on Monday to make sure they got the results.

Tomorrow, my husband and I are going to one of the banks to drop off our loan. On top of getting the loan for the program, I'm going to see if we can increase the amount of our loan to consolidate my variable interest rate student loans of which the rate keeps going higher. This way, we can hopefully get a fixed rate on those loans. We'll see tomorrow when we talk to the bank.

On another topic, I was just reading about Jennifer Lopez and how she's been trying to have a baby for a while and recently got a false positive. I'm not sure if I like her music/acting or not, but I certainly feel for her. No one should have to go through infertility!

Moving Forward

Before I get into the news for the day, I just want to say thank you to everyone who commented on that last post. Although I had a freakout day today with everything that's going on, my husband and I did decide to move forward with the loan so that's what we are going to do. We will make it work - where there's a will, there's a way, right?

To answer some questions... :-D The friend I mentioned in the last post hasn't gone through infertility and as far as I know, hasn't tried to conceive. She didn't tell me what she would do in my situation - she just thinks it is a bad idea. A Forerunner is this. I didn't get a chance to use it today, but I will tomorrow. Yay!

Now onto the news:

Well, CD1 finally happened today, so I've got an appointment Thursday afternoon for the SHG and the CD3 bloodwork. I'm not looking forward to either, but eager to get things going with IVF cycle #1 (which I hope will be soon).

So after I get the results back from the Thursday tests, I'll take that over to the clinic that offers shared risk. I was told that it takes 48 hours to get an answer back on whether you are qualifed for the shared risk program. And as soon as we get an answer, they will need the money (or at least 2-3 weeks before the cycle begins). I'm actually a bit confused on the timing of the whole money thing. This is one reason I was freaking out - what if we don't have the money by then?!?! I'm hoping that I can either find time this Thursday before my appointment or Saturday before a luau we are going to in order to go get the loan paperwork so we can get that started (now that we've selected the bank and the loan over the HELOC).

Another reason I was freaking out was because my current RE's office was listing all these different tests that I'm supposed to have done before starting IVF and well, I'm just wanting the tests that we need done to apply for shared risk. The other tests I'll get done at the other RE's office once I'm approved. There's a little bit more to it than that, but I won't go into it here. I just had to call the other clinic twice for information today and it isn't like I have the time to do that right now! And we are ditching our land line today so I had to call the phone company, and I called our mortgage company twice regarding loans and PMI. My mind was just spinning and I couldn't focus on anything in particular.

I'm just anxious about all of this. I want to get started so much! I'm going to e-mail the nurse at the shared risk clinic tomorrow to see about getting on the calendar next cycle (I hope) or the one after that - we'll see! I'm new to this IVF stuff, so I'm still learning about all the steps involved.

Well, I'm tired so I need to go to bed. I didn't get a chance to read any blogs today, but hopefully, tomorrow!

Tidbits of News

First, I still have no clue what we're doing to get $$$ for the IVF shared risk program. We went to talk to another bank this morning, and I'm just incredibly confused and nervous about the whole thing. Really, the decision is whether to get a home equity loan or a home equity line of credit. I'm not sure! And let me just say that I don't want to borrow money to do this, but it feels like it is the best option for us so we can get started without too much delay. Hopefully, with using the part of the medical costs associated with this and the interest off the loan/line of credit on our taxes, we'll get a good size tax refund to help pay back whatever we get from the bank.

Second, just a cute story. Sophie, one of my kitties, is upstairs in our office with me and she's sitting on the window sill looking outside (don't worry, there is no way she could fall down) and the wind is blowing through her long fur and she looks like she is having the best time right now with the nice breeze. So cute!

Third, I went on a walk the other night with a friend of mine from work. I told her of our plans to get a loan/line of credit and she thinks that it would be a bad idea for us. She gives me all these doomsday scenarios to sufficiently freak me out about it. And it kinda annoyed me. It's not like I want to do this, but I really don't see much of a choice for me right now...unless my grandmother suddenly decides to lend me the money (I'm not holding my breath). Plus, I feel like we'll be able to pay a good portion of it with our tax refund and along the way through these cycles. I don't think it will bankrupt us or even close to doing that. And if it doesn't work, we'll get 70% of our money back! But I hope and pray that it works (the sooner, the better)!!! We've made our decision that this is the route we are going to take. I just don't need to be scared about this even more so than I already am! Oh and after she asked me if I was sick of hearing about her leg injury, I jokingly asked her if she was sick of me talking about my infertility treatments, and she responded with "I don't have to sit next to you anymore" - what does that mean? She is sick of me talking about this? Are my friends sick of me talking about this?

Fourth, it's completely ridiculous of me to even have a miniscule amount of hope, but I have a teensy bit of hope that the 1 in a zillion chance of us conceiving naturally will happen this cycle. I don't know why I feel this way because I know that there really is NO chance of it happening naturally, but I can't help myself. I'm holding on to our one last hope before we move onto IVF. My husband told me yesterday before I even told him my silly little feelings of hope that he was feeling the same way. However, this morning, my temp appears to have dropped - which, even though this cycle has been incredibly long, seems like too soon for the luteal phase to be over. My luteal phase has always seemed to have been around 14 days no matter when ovulation happened - that is, before the last IUI cycle when the luteal phase was so very short. So I don't know what to think - AF could be showing up tomorrow or the next day or the temp could've been wrong. I'll see soon.

And finally, I got my Garmin Forerunner! I can't wait to use it. Perhaps tomorrow during my walk at lunch!

"Glamour" Article

I found this article over at Nickie's World - it's a good article on being an "infertile in a baby-crazed world".