Desperately Seeking Baby...Babies Found

My thoughts on raising twins and a singleton after infertility.

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Sunday, June 26, 2005

Depressing Morning

I wish I could be someone who didn't want kids or someone who didn't care one way or the other if they had kids, then when I thought I could be pregnant because I'm late and then it turns out I'm not pregnant, I won't be so disappointed or actually, devastated is a better word. What's weird is that last night I had a dream that I miscarried, but way later on in the pregnancy.

I spent a good part of this morning crying and telling myself to stop crying - that it just wasn't meant to happen this time, but I don't know how much more of telling myself that that I can handle. I believe in God; I believe that He has helped me with and through so many things. I keep thinking maybe this is a test, like on that episode of House where the nun started to not believe in God when one of the doctors told her maybe this was her test to see how strong her belief was. But how many tests can I be given before my faith is believed - before I will actually end up pregnant and will actually have a healthy baby join our family 9 months later? Or before I've put through so many tests so that I will no longer believe in God?

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

It's Been A While

It's been a while since I last posted. I've had a lot to say, but never the time. I've spent too much of my time blogging on my other blog site.

I'm still not a mom, and as far as I know, I'm still not pregnant. A coworker of mine had her baby a couple months ago - I still see pregnant women everywhere. I still want to have a baby desperately. So nothing much has changed, at least as far as that is concerned.

I pray as often as I can for my husband and I to be blessed with children. I hope one day it will happen.

However, another part of my life has changed. My mother recently found out she has breast cancer. She's starting chemo next week. At first, I just knew she was going to be o.k., and I still think she's going to be o.k., but I'm getting a little scared now of what she is going to have to go through. I pray that she will get through it and the cancer will go away for good. I'm sure it will. I know it will.

Well, that's all for now. Until next time!