1dp5dt - Update

9:48 a.m.


Well, we just got the phone call from the RE – the other 3 didn’t make it to blast, so we have no embryos to freeze. I’d be lying if I said that this doesn’t upset me. I can only hope that the 2 inside of me implant and stick sround for a long while. If that’s the case, then we wouldn’t need any frozen embryos. This feels like added pressure though for these ones to work. I know we are in the shared risk program, so we still have 2 more fresh cycles and 3 frozen (if we ever get there), but I don’t want to do another fresh cycle anytime soon or ever. Of course, I will if I have to.

Bye-bye money

Well, the bank issue was resolved and we got a cashier's check yesterday to send to the shared risk people. We sent the package to them overnight, but since we got the FedEx place a little late, they won't get the package until Monday. Whew! At least that part is done.

So I e-mailed the nurse at the clinic yesterday to ask about the timing of everything and she still hasn't got back to me. This isn't making me feel calm about the whole thing - what if when I finally need to e-mail her to call in the BCP prescription, she isn't checking her e-mail then either? Of course, because of her lack of response now, I plan to call as well, but she told me to e-mail her. I'm sure they're pretty busy and I know I'm not the only patient, but it is still making me anxious (I know, everything does these days).

As if I needed this additional stress...

Yesterday, after work, I went to the bank in order to get a cashier’s check to send to the shared risk people. The money from our loan was supposed to be in our savings account, but it wasn’t. The bank tried calling the loan officer we spoke to last week (he’s at a different branch), but they had issues with their phone line, so I offered to call. I went outside the building as I wasn’t getting reception inside to call the loan guy. Well, the extension number I was given wasn’t working. I tried the bank’s main number and got transferred to the guy’s voice mail, or so I thought. I stood there listening to several moments of silence before I hung up and told the lady inside the bank I would just try the next day. So I called the loan guy this morning and actually got his voice mail. He called me back to say that it was his fault that the money hadn’t been placed into savings on Tuesday as it was supposed to (at first, he acted all confused and I got the feeling even last week, he seemed a bit ditzy). So after work today, I’m going back to the bank to get the cashier’s check. The money and the documents are supposed to be into the shared risk people at least 2 weeks prior to starting Lupron – which I assume won’t be for a while as I haven’t started BCPs yet – but what do I know. This is my first IVF – even though I’ve read all about it, I still have no idea of what to expect.

Anyway, that was my fun day yesterday. After we get the check, we’re off to FEDEX/Kinko’s to copy the documents and send them overnight to the shared risk place in NY. Hopefully, that won’t take too long as I told a friend I would take his dog for a walk tonight since he won’t be able to.

Anyway, I’m off to Petco on my lunch break to buy some food for my kitties (that’s one nice thing about driving into work – I can actually leave the area during lunch).

I felt the need to post this...

This afternoon, the pregnant vanpool girl was talking about friends or relatives that she had that is or has gone through IVF. And it was nice of her to share these stories - after all, I read blogs and joined a support group so I could hear stories like this so I knew I wasn't alone in this. However, I just was having kind of a crappy day in that I kept thinking of IVF and how much I wish that this wasn't happening to me. I just can't even believe we've made it this far - IVF was something that other people had to do, not me! I guess I just wasn't in the mood to hear how it worked for others - I want to hear that it has worked for me. I'm sure most of you can understand this.

But tonight when I went walking around Greenlake with a friend, I think I gave the impression to my friend that I don't appreciate people trying to talk to me about this, that I don't appreciate hearing success stories, which isn't true. I don't want people to be afraid of saying the wrong thing or not trying to make me feel better with all of this. I need all the support I can get. I don't know why hearing pregnant vanpool girl talking about this annoyed me - I really don't know - I have a lot of hope IVF working for us, but I am so completely scared that it won't. I'm afraid of this whole process. If this doesn't work, this is it for us having a biological child and I'm not ready to move to adoption.

I'm rambling. I've just been feeling a lot of anxiety about all of this. It really hit me when I went to go sign the loan documents the other day - all that money! Sure, being in the shared risk program eases some of the anxiety, but there is still a lot of anxiety for reasons I've mentioned before - the physical side of the process and if it doesn't work, we'll have to grieve the loss of not having a biological child.

Anyway, I should stop rambling. I'm really excited about tomorrow - at least the concert part of the day - not so much the drive to and from the Gorge part of the day. I'm sure the Dave Matthews Band will put on a great show as they always do (this is my 3rd time seeing them), so it will be worth it.

Just blogging...

Our anniversary was nice. We BBQ'd some steaks and some corn on the cob. It was quite yummy. After dinner, we went to go watch some Veronica Mars (love that show!)on DVD. It was a nice, quiet night - which I like.

Yesterday afternoon, I went over to the bank to sign the loan documents (my husband went earlier in the day). The whole thing scares me and angers me. I don't want to get this money out to do IVF, but I don't have much of a choice if I want to get pregnant and have a baby. It just isn't fair. How many times will we say that phrase?

The whole mess with the concert this weekend still hasn't been resolved. Because it is Labor Day weekend and because the concert is sold out, I am unable to find any place for us to stay. I have one last hope and if that doesn't work, we will drive back after the concert. There are still spaces at the campground as well, but my husband doesn't seem too excited to spend $40 to camp there. The concert is at the Gorge Amphitheatre in George, WA (real clever name for the city, huh?), which is a little under 3 hours away. I am getting really excited for this show - I'm listening to Dave Matthews Band on my iPod right now, so I'm sure that's increasing the level of my excitement.

Anyway, that's all for now...


UPDATE: We are definitely driving back after the concert, but in the hopes of getting out of there as soon as possible, I purchased premier parking (of which the ticket better show up soon in my e-mail). This purchase also allows us early entry and since we have GA tickets, I want to get in as soon as possible to get a good seat.

Anniversary & Other Info

Eight years ago today, I married my wonderful husband. It certainly doesn't feel like it's been that long! Happy anniversary to my husband!

So Sunday we came home from our camping trip (more on this later once I upload my pictures) to find a package from the shared risk place (not the clinic, but the place that we are signing the contract with) and even though I told the clinic that we are doing everything at their clinic and not going back and forth between my current RE's office and their clinic, we got the price quote for the back and forth option - which costs about $1000 more. I called the shared risk place and they said I needed to have the clinic e-mail them with the new information, which he had already done, but he went and did so again. So, hopefully, I will get the new contract today with the correct amount on it as I'm anxious to get this sent in since it needs to be in at least 2 weeks prior to starting on Lupron.

And after work today, my husband and I are going to sign the loan documents (what a way to spend our anniversary, huh?), then go get some steaks (I hope) to bbq at home. We just want a nice quiet night at home for our anniversary this year. We were going to sit out on our deck, but the weather isn't cooperating today (it's cloudy and rainy), so I guess we'll be eating inside or we'll change our plans and go out to dinner somewhere. We'll see what the weather is like later tonight.

One Less Hurdle!

I just received news that I've been accepted into the shared risk program!!! Yay!!! Now I just need the loan to go through and for my next cycle to start and we'll be on our way to our first IVF cycle!

IVF #1

I finally heard from the nurse at the shared risk clinic about when I could start my first IVF cycle. She said I would need to start on birth control pills on the 4th day of my next cycle and then I would be put onto the calendar for IVF for October. That just seems like a million miles away. I really, really hope that this cycle is not the extremely long cycle like it was last cycle! I'm trying not to think about it and get myself all anxious, but it so very hard not to do!

Also, the clinic submitted my application for shared risk today, so I should hear something within 48 hours (that is what they told me anyway). So, hopefully, by Friday, I will know if we are in the program or not. Even if we aren't, we're going ahead with IVF. However, I've been told by numerous people that they would be surprised if I didn't get into the program. I'm leaving on my camping trip on Friday, so I'll update everyone when I get back on Sunday!

Busy (& Sometimes Irritating) Weekend (and more on Moving Forward)

This past weekend was quite a busy one, and I didn't do all the things I needed or wanted to do. That seems to always be the case. Just a warning - I'm a bit of a rambler today... :-D

Saturday morning, my husband and I went to the bank to ask for a loan to pay for the shared risk program. That seemed to go over well. Then after that, we went back home so my husband could prepare for the luau we were going to later that night and a friend from work was coming over so that we could go for a walk. Well, we went walking for 4 miles, then came back to find my computer had crashed and just didn't want to work at all. So most of the afternoon was spent trying to fix that (thanks to a friend who came over to help fix it - I wouldn't have been able to fix it). And let me tell you, my emotions are just at their peak these days with everything going on, so things like this can just irritate me sooooo much.

Most of the computer programs had been fixed, but for some reason, my computer wouldn't play anything that I had purchased from iTunes. So the next day, I spent about 1/2 hour on the phone with the Apple support people to get that fixed.

Saturday night, we went to the 2nd annual luau at a friend's house. We hosted the luau last year, but this year the luau was held in Ballard (neighborhood in Seattle). When my mind wasn't occupied with my stupid computer problems, I was having a good time. The yummy mai tai certainly helped out. At the luau, my husband and a friend put on a little concert - which I enjoyed. I have mentioned this friend before - I really like her song called "Girl I Am Inside" (which I've also said before).

Then on Sunday, I walked around Greenlake a couple times (5.6 miles) while, once again, my husband ran with a friend. Afterwards, we went to go sign up for the Super Jock 'n Jill race...he signed up for the half-marathon and I signed up for the 4 mile walk - the people who run or walk the half-marathon get a nice long sleeve shirt while the 4 milers only get a boring little t-shirt. :-( Next year, I may have to walk 13 miles so I can get the nice long sleeve shirt. :-D

After that, we went to go visit my husband's family in Tacoma then came back to Seattle to go to dinner with some friends to celebrate the 30th birthday of the friend I mentioned above. By the time we got home, it was around 11 p.m. I am so tired today and today was going to be the day I stopped drinking any caffeinated beverages (not gonna happen).

Thank God that it is a 4 day work week for me! This weekend, my husband and I are going to Winthrop to go camping and to a play that my brother is in at a playhouse in Twisp. That should be nice and relaxing, but we'll see. When we come back to Seattle, we may be bringing my other brother with us to stay for a week before he starts school again; he's a senior in high school - I can't believe he's that old already! That just makes me feel old.

Anyway, I'm supposed to get my test results back today and the nurse at my current RE's office is supposed to be faxing over the results to the shared risk people at the other clinic to get that process started. I'm hoping by the end of the week, we will have been approved for the program and have gotten the $$$ to pay for the program. I'm also hoping that the nurse at the shared risk clinic gets back to me as to the earliest we could start an IVF cycle. I e-mailed her last week - she said she would e-mail me back. I still haven't heard back from her! Yet another thing that's irritating me.

Just got the results of the CD3 tests - everything was normal - yay! So I just need to call the other RE back to let them know so we can get the shared risk program application in!

Wasn't too bad

Well, I had the SHG done yesterday and it wasn't too bad. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't nearly as painful as the HSG I had done a long time ago. And this test didn't last nearly as long as the HSG (or maybe that one just felt like it lasted forever since it hurt so badly). One weird part about the SHG is that when she was done and took out the "dil*do cam", all the saline came rushing out - and I thought "hmm, I wonder if this is what it feels like when a pregnant woman's water breaks". It was quite awkward to walk back to the dressing room with saline running down your legs.

The doctor told me that everything looked good. (I had thought it strange that they want this test done because I thought, like the HSG, they were checking my fallopian tubes and you don't need your tubes for IVF. Well, apparently, the SHG is also used to check the uterus - which completely makes sense.)


Anyway, the next part was the bloodwork. And once again, I will state that I HATE GIVING BLOOD! My veins are so tiny, so they always have a hard time finding a vein to get blood from. The guy poked in my arm, but nothing was happening, so I told him just to use the veins in my wrist. You can see those and they are bigger. So he put the needle into my left wrist and my blood didn't want to come out too much. He got out a little bit, but not enough for the tests. So....he moved to the other wrist and that one was no problem! UGH - this is exactly why I don't donate blood.

So I was told that the results from the blood tests should be in today and the results of my husband's test on Monday. The nurse told me that she will send the results directly to the shared risk clinic when they become available. I'll be calling on Monday to make sure they got the results.

Tomorrow, my husband and I are going to one of the banks to drop off our loan. On top of getting the loan for the program, I'm going to see if we can increase the amount of our loan to consolidate my variable interest rate student loans of which the rate keeps going higher. This way, we can hopefully get a fixed rate on those loans. We'll see tomorrow when we talk to the bank.

On another topic, I was just reading about Jennifer Lopez and how she's been trying to have a baby for a while and recently got a false positive. I'm not sure if I like her music/acting or not, but I certainly feel for her. No one should have to go through infertility!

Moving Forward

Before I get into the news for the day, I just want to say thank you to everyone who commented on that last post. Although I had a freakout day today with everything that's going on, my husband and I did decide to move forward with the loan so that's what we are going to do. We will make it work - where there's a will, there's a way, right?

To answer some questions... :-D The friend I mentioned in the last post hasn't gone through infertility and as far as I know, hasn't tried to conceive. She didn't tell me what she would do in my situation - she just thinks it is a bad idea. A Forerunner is this. I didn't get a chance to use it today, but I will tomorrow. Yay!

Now onto the news:

Well, CD1 finally happened today, so I've got an appointment Thursday afternoon for the SHG and the CD3 bloodwork. I'm not looking forward to either, but eager to get things going with IVF cycle #1 (which I hope will be soon).

So after I get the results back from the Thursday tests, I'll take that over to the clinic that offers shared risk. I was told that it takes 48 hours to get an answer back on whether you are qualifed for the shared risk program. And as soon as we get an answer, they will need the money (or at least 2-3 weeks before the cycle begins). I'm actually a bit confused on the timing of the whole money thing. This is one reason I was freaking out - what if we don't have the money by then?!?! I'm hoping that I can either find time this Thursday before my appointment or Saturday before a luau we are going to in order to go get the loan paperwork so we can get that started (now that we've selected the bank and the loan over the HELOC).

Another reason I was freaking out was because my current RE's office was listing all these different tests that I'm supposed to have done before starting IVF and well, I'm just wanting the tests that we need done to apply for shared risk. The other tests I'll get done at the other RE's office once I'm approved. There's a little bit more to it than that, but I won't go into it here. I just had to call the other clinic twice for information today and it isn't like I have the time to do that right now! And we are ditching our land line today so I had to call the phone company, and I called our mortgage company twice regarding loans and PMI. My mind was just spinning and I couldn't focus on anything in particular.

I'm just anxious about all of this. I want to get started so much! I'm going to e-mail the nurse at the shared risk clinic tomorrow to see about getting on the calendar next cycle (I hope) or the one after that - we'll see! I'm new to this IVF stuff, so I'm still learning about all the steps involved.

Well, I'm tired so I need to go to bed. I didn't get a chance to read any blogs today, but hopefully, tomorrow!

Tidbits of News

First, I still have no clue what we're doing to get $$$ for the IVF shared risk program. We went to talk to another bank this morning, and I'm just incredibly confused and nervous about the whole thing. Really, the decision is whether to get a home equity loan or a home equity line of credit. I'm not sure! And let me just say that I don't want to borrow money to do this, but it feels like it is the best option for us so we can get started without too much delay. Hopefully, with using the part of the medical costs associated with this and the interest off the loan/line of credit on our taxes, we'll get a good size tax refund to help pay back whatever we get from the bank.

Second, just a cute story. Sophie, one of my kitties, is upstairs in our office with me and she's sitting on the window sill looking outside (don't worry, there is no way she could fall down) and the wind is blowing through her long fur and she looks like she is having the best time right now with the nice breeze. So cute!

Third, I went on a walk the other night with a friend of mine from work. I told her of our plans to get a loan/line of credit and she thinks that it would be a bad idea for us. She gives me all these doomsday scenarios to sufficiently freak me out about it. And it kinda annoyed me. It's not like I want to do this, but I really don't see much of a choice for me right now...unless my grandmother suddenly decides to lend me the money (I'm not holding my breath). Plus, I feel like we'll be able to pay a good portion of it with our tax refund and along the way through these cycles. I don't think it will bankrupt us or even close to doing that. And if it doesn't work, we'll get 70% of our money back! But I hope and pray that it works (the sooner, the better)!!! We've made our decision that this is the route we are going to take. I just don't need to be scared about this even more so than I already am! Oh and after she asked me if I was sick of hearing about her leg injury, I jokingly asked her if she was sick of me talking about my infertility treatments, and she responded with "I don't have to sit next to you anymore" - what does that mean? She is sick of me talking about this? Are my friends sick of me talking about this?

Fourth, it's completely ridiculous of me to even have a miniscule amount of hope, but I have a teensy bit of hope that the 1 in a zillion chance of us conceiving naturally will happen this cycle. I don't know why I feel this way because I know that there really is NO chance of it happening naturally, but I can't help myself. I'm holding on to our one last hope before we move onto IVF. My husband told me yesterday before I even told him my silly little feelings of hope that he was feeling the same way. However, this morning, my temp appears to have dropped - which, even though this cycle has been incredibly long, seems like too soon for the luteal phase to be over. My luteal phase has always seemed to have been around 14 days no matter when ovulation happened - that is, before the last IUI cycle when the luteal phase was so very short. So I don't know what to think - AF could be showing up tomorrow or the next day or the temp could've been wrong. I'll see soon.

And finally, I got my Garmin Forerunner! I can't wait to use it. Perhaps tomorrow during my walk at lunch!

IVF Financing & Other Tidbits of Info

This cycle is taking forever! Today is CD36! I'm guessing I have around a week to go before AF shows up.

This morning after our walk/run around Greenlake, my husband and I went to a couple different banks to look into financing IVF under the shared risk program (hoping that we are accepted into the program). We're going to a third on Monday (since they only have loan people there during the week) to see what they can offer us. It's all a bit scary to me. The last thing I ever thought I would have to do was borrow money to have a baby. And I certainly don't want any more debt than I currently have with my house, car and school loans, but I don't see any other way. I can't wait forever - there is still that ticking clock to contend with. I want to try IVF before it could be too late. I know in the scheme of things, I'm only (almost) 33, so I do have some time, but I'm afraid waiting another year would only risk my FSH going too high or whatever. I just don't think I can risk it, and I know, emotionally, there is no way I could wait a year.

Anyway, to end this post I have a little funny thing to share. My husband is currently taking some classes in order to get his Bachelor's degree (in Biology), and he's taking a couple night classes in the fall while working full-time. He'll have class 4 nights a week, so he told me one day that we would never see each other*. I told him that isn't true, we'll see each other at our RE appointments! :-D There's nothing like making a baby with a husband you will probably only see (except weekends) at a doctor's office!

* So my husband, because he said we wouldn't see each other as much this fall, has decided it was finally time for him to get a cell phone so perhaps he could at least talk to me on the phone before his class or during breaks. It will be nice for him to have a cell - now we can ditch the land line! So after going to a couple banks this morning, we got him a cell phone.

CD24 and WTH?

So today is CD24. My temps have been all over the place, but nothing above 98.0 since right before AF showed up. So it would seem that no ovulation has taken place. I keep meaning to go to the drugstore and purchase some of the sticks to use with my OPK but I keep forgetting to! And I'm not sure I should start using them now or not. Should I just wait until my next cycle to use them?

So because this cycle looks like it will be a long one, it will be a while before I can go in to get those tests done to apply for the shared risk program. More waiting! That seems like all we do while going through infertility!

My husband and I talked about it and we are most likely going to apply for the program within the next few months, so we might as well get the testing done so as soon as we can. Of course, I am very much not looking forward to the HSG. We are also considering cancelling the other appointment with the other clinic. If we qualify for shared risk, that determines which clinic we will go to. If, for some reason, we don't qualify for the program, then we can go to the other clinic to discuss with them their IVF program. What do you guys think?

Anyway, I am really anxious to get to the first IVF cycle. I am feeling really hopeful about IVF working for us, so I want to get going on that!

Misc. Thoughts & Child-Free Question

Have I mentioned how infertility sucks? Monday night, when thinking about the fact that we had to seek medical help to get pregnant, I seriously just got so angry. I just wanted to throw things and break things. I f***ing hate all of this. I don't want to seek medical help, but I want a baby, so there's nothing I can do about it. I have crappy fallopian tubes and I don't seem to want to ovulate on time. UGH!

You know another thing that's crappy - all of this infertility is my fault. There is nothing wrong with my husband. It's all me. Do you know how much guilt I feel about this? How much I hate my body for being so broken?

Then last night at support group, I just couldn't stop myself from crying. I am ready to move onto IVF, but I am freaking out about it. Am I making the right decision to move onto IVF? Will shared risk be the right thing for us? When should we start with IVF? How long can I wait to start IVF? GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

All of this leads me to my next question that I've thought about from time to time as we've been struggling with infertility. Should we consider being child-free? Is that even an option for us? Most of the time, I say no, but sometimes, in those rare moments, I think maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom - maybe I won't be a good mom so perhaps we should consider child-free living.

After all, it would be better financially, physically and emotionally (just thinking of the negatives if there are to be any) to not have to go through IVF. I wish there was a shut off switch for my desire to have children. What exactly is fueling my desire to have children? Do I want children because I truly want to parent a child? Do I want it because that is what society tells you are supposed to do after you get married? Is there some other reason?

I honestly feel that the reason is because I truly want to parent a child. I want to be a mother. I want my husband to be a father. I don't think I could really consider child-free living unless I had no other choice, but I do think about it from time to time and I immediately dismiss that thought. I just can't imagine it.

On a different topic, yesterday, I drove into work because of the doctor's appointment and I ran into vanpool girl on my way out and she offered to ride home with me so I could use the carpool lane. I had looked at traffic online before I left and it sucked, and I knew if I didn't have someone with me, I wouldn't get home in time to feed my kitties and myself before going onto my support group meeting, so I accepted her offer. Luckily, we had a really good conversation about my issues with infertility and her pregnancy. She expressed how she never imagined it would happen to her so quickly, so she feels blessed because of that. And I am truly happy for her, but I just didn't think she would become pregnant before I did. After all, I started so much earlier than she did.

Anyway, this post is getting a little too long too so I'll end this one now. I hope everyone is doing well.

Door # 2 & Other Thoughts

Well, today we went to go see the clinic that offers shared risk in my area. We first spoke to the doctor who agreed with Door #1 doctor and said IVF was our next step. Considering we've tried Clomid by itself, then Clomid with IUI, then Clomid, Injectable and IUI, and none of that worked along with the fact that ovulation for me can be a bit wacky (it is now CD18 and there is no sign of ovulation) and my tubes (well, at least, my right tube) have problems.

So after discussing all that, the doctor wanted to do a physical and an ultrasound to see where things are at. I wasn't prepared for this as this was just a consult, but o.k. So everything looked good, except I have a cyst on my right side (which could explain the pain I had been having on my right side) that he said was most likely due to being on Clomid for so long. He told us that we could do an IVF cycle in September if we wanted to - believe me when I say, I am very tempted to do so. However, we are looking into how much money we want to save before we go ahead with this treatment so as to minimize the amount we will have to borrow. If we just did an IVF cycle, we could probably do one relatively soon, but we are also looking to see if we qualify for shared risk.

The doctor seems to think that we will qualify considering my age and what my hormone levels have been, but it would be best if we didn't wait too long. In order to qualify, the financial person told us we would need to have CD3 testing done (FSH, E2) (if not done within the past 6 months - which I need to check on), another uterine exam (HSG or SHG) (if not done within past 18 months - which I know it has been longer - I am SOOOOO not looking forward to doing this test again (if HSG) - that test HURT LIKE HELL), and my husband must do another sperm analysis since it has been longer than the time frame they want that in. All of this pre-cycle testing will supposedly be covered by my insurance if we go to my current RE's office to do these tests. However, if we do shared risk, we cannot have insurance pay for any ultrasounds and bloodwork once the cycle has begun since shared risk is our insurance so to speak.

The doctor told us that we would probably not need ICSI, so our cost for shared risk would be around $20,000 + the cost of the drugs which can be between $2500 and $7000. I'm hoping since the last time we chose to use the least expensive of the options given, that the cost for the drugs will be on the lower side of that range.

Well, I think that about covers it. They told us to call whenever we are ready. The first thing for us to do is to see if we qualify for shared risk and if we do, then get the money to cover the cost of the program. If you don't recall, shared risk includes 3 fresh IVF cycles and 3 FETs.

I did think it was interesting (and kinda wrong) for the clinic to have a Star magazine with the cover "Cutest Babies of this year" or something like that anyway. What's up with that?

Anyway, I did have other thoughts to share, but I think this post is getting too long so I'll save that for my next post (of which I've been working on for several days now).

Behind Door #1

Today was the first RE appointment of the 3 that I have scheduled in the next few weeks. We're going around to each of the clinics that I know of to compare to see who we should go with if we are to move onto IVF.

Today was the appointment with my current RE. She told us it was time to move onto IVF. With my right fallopian tube "blocked", she thinks there could be something wrong with the left and with IVF, they can bypass the fallopian tubes. She thinks because I'm "young" and because we've trying for so long on our own and with IUIs, the best next step would be IVF. I can't say I'm entirely surprised. I guess a part of me was thinking she might say another IUI with injectables would be o.k., but she didn't say that. She basically told us that another IUI would be a waste of our time and money.

So for now, it looks like we are moving onto IVF. I'm sure the other two REs will say the same thing, but I suppose I never know. The next appointment is on Tuesday morning at 8 a.m.

After the appointment, my husband and I went to a nearby school so he could run around the track. I walked while he ran. On our way to the track, we were discussing when we might be ready to do an IVF cycle and of course, I would love to do it NOW if that were possible. I know it's not, but I want to. I have a friend who can't understand why people would go into debt to have a baby now when they can save up money and do it when they have the money. Of course, I would love to have the money and not go into debt, but if I wait too much longer, I won't qualify for shared risk (assuming that I do now - we'll see on Tuesday when we go to the clinic that offers that) anymore. There is an age limit. My hormones levels have to be where they want them to be, and if I wait, as I get older, those hormones could change for the worse. Right now, they are right where they need to be. It would seem I'm trying to talk myself into adding more debt onto what I already have, and we are going to wait a little while longer before we start the first IVF cycle, but I can't wait too long - both physically and emotionally. I've waited so long - it's been a little over 4 1/2 years since we started trying. I just want this rollercoaster to be over, and I wish more people understood that. I don't want to do this anymore, but I don't want it to be over if I don't have my baby in my arms.

Well, there's more I want to say on that, but I think I should stop here.

Various Items

When I came into work this morning, I just felt like I was on the verge of tears. It didn't help that the last dream that I had involved my employer cutting my salary in half which made me think I won't be able to afford any treatments (or my house). I remember when the alarm went off that the last part of my dream involved me crying because now I wouldn't ever have my own children.

Then I decided to ride in the vanpool today, and I don't think that was such a great idea. It started out o.k., but they had to start talking about breastfeeding and baby registries, etc. Once again, I pull out my iPod. Not sure if I'll be in the vanpool tomorrow.

I did get some great news when I got into the office and checked my e-mail - one of the women in my support group found out her donor cycle worked! I am so happy for her. Our group finally has another success story!

Oh, and to answer a question from a few posts ago about the Hamster Egg Penetration Assay. I hadn't heard of this until about a month ago. Apparently, doctors will use hamster eggs (as apparently they are the most similar to human eggs (something like that anyway)) to test whether sperm can even penetrate the egg in order to fertilize. The woman in my group who talked about it said that those who "pass" the test are jokingly referred to as a "hamster daddy". :-D

I made the other doctor appointment with the clinic that offers shared risk. Unfortunately, they don't take my insurance, so we will have to pay $300 up front to see the doctor at this clinic. I'm wondering if this is worth it. They said that I might be able to get my insurance provider to reimburse me if my insurance normally covers consults (which they do). I'm waiting to hear back from my insurance company to see if they will reimburse. The appointment is on the 25th at 8 a.m. I wonder if my boss will get annoyed with all the doctor appointments I have!

Hey

I just feel like crying, and I can't do anything about it since I'm at work. I felt like crying last night too, but my support group made me feel better.

One of the girls was talking last night about one of the clinics here in Seattle that offer shared risk plans. My current RE said that I would probably qualify for this, so I just sent an e-mail to them via their website to set an appointment with them. Yes, I know will have 3 doctor appointments. Since we probably will have to move onto IVF, I think I should "interview" each of the 3 clinics that I know in the area to see which one I like the best. If I do qualify for shared risk, I will probably go with that clinic. It supposedly costs around $23,000 for IVF+ICSI for 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles (this # doesn't include the drugs). If it doesn't work, then you get all of your money back, but if it works the first time, you just gave the clinic a nice profit. I'm thinking we might do this as soon as we have the money to do so, but we'll make our final decision after we've talked to each of the doctors. In the meantime, we might try another IUI with injectables, but we'll see what my current RE thinks about that.

In other news, I haven't been in my van for the past 3 days. Monday was because my husband and I were going straight to Tacoma after work to visit my in-laws. Yesterday, I had a torture session with the dentist (it was just a cleaning, but they are now using this metal water pick to help take the place of the metal poking stick, but they both hurt)! Today, my only reason is because I didn't want to be in the vanpool with pregnant vanpool girl talking about her pregnancy. Well, anyway, I ran into her in the deli when I was getting some lunch. I told her about the crappy weekend/week and why it was crappy, and she said that she was really sorry. She also sent me an e-mail which was really rather sweet, which made me really want to break down and cry. It makes me feel so bad for not being able to listen to her pregnancy talk (or anyone's for that matter) when she is being so sweet. I don't want to be irritated by pregnancy talk, but I am. I know I said it yesterday, but I got to say it again - infertility SUCKS! I just want everything to work out already, so I can move on.