Desperately Seeking Baby...Babies Found

My thoughts on raising twins and a singleton after infertility.

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Monday, November 28, 2005

Support Groups

A while back, I came across this organization called Resolve - an infertility organization. I found the local chapter and asked them about support groups. They got back to me a couple weeks ago, and they have a support group for women going through primary infertility starting in December. So on December 13, I'm going to start going to a support group. The support group will last for 8 weekly sessions.

Hopefully, it will be good for me. I'm a little anxious about it though.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Are You Serious?

This weekend, I went to go see Harry Potter with a friend and a couple others. One of the women there doesn't know the first thing about fertility. First, she was snobbish about me avoiding certain foods because I'm trying to get pregnant. She said something like, "avoiding such and such is supposed to help you get pregnant?" Apparently, she has strong reservations about acupuncture, herbal medicine and diet in helping with fertility. After all, she got pregnant with no problem. Then she said something like "I thought it was a male issue when a woman can't get pregnant like he spends too much time in the hot tub or he wears too tight of underwear or whatever." Are you serious? You really think that could be the only issue that could be affecting whether or not a woman gets pregnant? UGH!

Then yesterday, I went to an early Thanksgiving dinner with one of the women I went to the movie with on Friday night. She is about 6 or 7 months pregnant. Then another couple shows up - a coworker of one of my friends and her partner. Yep, her partner is 4 months pregnant. Are you kidding me? Is everyone pregnant but me?

When I went to Target Saturday afternoon after my acupuncture appointment, it seemed EVERYONE there was holding an infant. Everywhere I turned, babies. And not one of them was mine.

It was somewhat of a frustrating weekend. And I am soooo exhausted today that I can barely keep my eyes open.

I just can't believe the weekend I had. Babies everywhere and pregnancies everywhere, and I didnt' get to join in on the excitement. :-(

Thursday, November 17, 2005

In Current Family News...

My mom found out that her surgery is scheduled for December 1. Their plan is to do a partial masectomy, but they will do more if necessary. Hopefully, after the surgery, she has breast cancer no more!


In Potential Family News...

Jon and I went to an adoption agency for one of their monthly informational meetings last night. This particular agency handles international adoptions in China, Russia, Kazakhstan, Vietnam and Columbia. It was very interesting and also very depressing. It was interesting because, like my husband, I learned more about the adoption process and what is involved. With part of it, we'll need to have 3 friends and 2 family members write references for us. There is a home study before the paperwork goes to the country of choice. There can also be between 1 year and 3 or so years of post placement studies of the parents with the child. Depending on the country, you can make either 1 or 2 trips to the country to adopt your child. You don't pick your child - the country that you are adopting from pick your child. And it sounds like, at least for China, there isn't really a system in matching children with parents. They just kind of pick a child and put it with the next dossier (the whole package we will send to the country) in their stack.

It's sad that there are so many children out there needing good homes. It's sad that it costs so much to be able to adopt. To adopt a child from China (most likely, it will be a girl), it will cost $22,000 (this includes travel costs, as well as all the adoption paperwork, etc.) To adopt a child from Russia, it will cost around $30,000. It is really too much money for us right now, but maybe things will change in the future. Maybe.

I felt really comfortable with this agency. Jon and I discussed that if we were to adopt a child internationally, we would probably adopt a child from China because this agency has been working with China for several years so there is more ease in adopting a child from there and the children are more likely to be healthy than from some of the other countries (at least, this is what I got from the meeting last night). The person running the meeting said that it could take around a year to adopt a child from China. There is one trip to Beijing. The trip to China will be around 2 weeks. In the first couple days, you get to meet your child, then you spend the rest of the time touring the area so you will know the country that your child came from and you will be able to share that with them later.

One thing that the agency mentioned that once you start the adoption process, you should stop trying to have a child of your own because once you have the adopted child in your home, you need to be able to devote all of your attention to that child.

Anyway, we plan to go to other agencies and get more information - other international agencies and also some domestic. I don't know if we will adopt - it just costs so much money that we don't have. I just hope one way or another, I will be a mom.


Monday, November 14, 2005


Yep, the title of this post is CD1 because at 3:30 this morning AF decided it would be a great time to visit AND with a vengeance. Those cramps hurt A LOT. I took a prescription strength ibuprofen and put on a heating pad and waited until both of those things worked. Eventually, they did but not before I lost a lot of sleep. And I can feel another cramp coming so it may be time for some more medicine.

I had thought about getting up at 3:30 because I couldn't sleep and write in my blog, but I think it might have been good that I didn't do so. I was way too emotional at that time. I still am, but not with the same intensity I was then. Sleep does help sometimes.

What is wrong with me anyway? How could I possibly think that I could be pregnant after 17 DPO? That's my normal luteal phase, but I forgot about that because, for some reason, my luteal phase has been shorter lately. And it didn't help that fertility friend said it would show up sometime this weekend, and it didn't. How could I possibly have hope after nearly 4 years? If it hasn't happened already, it seems likely it isn't ever going to happen. I'm already 32 years old. That may seem young, but it isn't in the world of fertility. I wish people who think that it is young would just stop saying that!

So I guess we're going to the adoption meeting after all - probably to make me more depressed than I already am. I guess God wants us to go into major debt to have children - either through adoption or through further fertility treatments that the insurance company doesn't cover.

Well, I suppose I should go and get something to eat and take my herbal medicine.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

She Didn't Come!!!

AF didn't show this morning!!! My temp is still around 98.3!!! Today would be CD44 and 17 DPO. Fertility Friend says that I should test, but I am way too scared to. I feel like I should give it another day or two just because this cycle has been so strange. But if we do end up pregnant this cycle, I guess we won't need to go that adoption meeting we were planning on going to on Wednesday night. You have no idea how much that would lift a heavy load off my shoulders. Of course, I would adopt, but like so many of us going through infertility, we want to have a child of our own. We want to experience pregnancy. Maybe we will adopt. I don't know what's going to happen. I may not be pregnant right now. I can't let myself hope - how hard is that though??? If only we knew what the future will bring us. Maybe my coworker is right, things do happen in threes. After all, the last time my coworker was pregnant 4 years ago, there were three people expecting a child just in our department. And maybe it's happening again!!!

I really shouldn't let myself hope the way that I am, but it is so difficult not to get excited about the possiblity since we've been waiting for close to 4 years now. I hope that I won't be disappointed. I pray that God has finally answered our prayers - he knew that this was the right time for us. Oh, God, let it be so.

I'm still having some cramping, but it is still coming and going. We'll see what happens!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Nice, Relaxing Day

Well, it was nice and relaxing in that I watched a little tv, read most of the book I'm reading, cleaned a little bit, and most of all, AF didn't show up, but it was also a little nerve-wracking because I'm nervous about whether or not AF will show up tomorrow. AF didn't show up today as fertility friend had predicted, but it also predicted AF could show up tomorrow too. I still had some cramping today and my temperature has gone down from what it was just a few days ago, so AF will most likely show up tomorrow. I really, really, really hope she doesn't though. I don't have to tell you how nice it would be if this month was finally the month we ended up pregnant AND without any help from the fertility specialists. Of course, I've had help from the acupuncturist and she has helped my back feel a lot better!

We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Sluggish & Blue

Today is CD42. I go between having cramps and having no cramps. I'm pretty sure AF is due to show her ugly head very soon...unfortunately.

I am so glad that today is Friday and that I get to sleep in for the next two days. I really need this rest - especially if AF does show up because I won't want to do anything anyway.

My husband and I looked at adoption paperwork last night that one agency sent to us. It just terrifies me - and frustrates me - mainly because of how much it costs. I know that I could be extremely happy adopting a child or two, but I just don't know if it is a realistic possibility considering the cost. I don't want to go into further debt just to borrow money for this even if it is something that I really want. I don't know. We'll have to look into other agencies and see how much it will cost through them. We're possibly going to a meeting on Wednesday night at this agency to learn more about adoption and the process that this agency follows. It should be really interesting.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for today.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Just Feeling Blue

Well, it is now CD 41 - and still no AF - which is a good thing, but I feel her visit coming. I just wish just for once that I could end up being pregnant. I am so tired of all this - I know that when AF does show up, I will be more than just blue. I will be depressed. However, I'm hopeful that the acupuncture will help - luckily, it has already helped with my back, so it will help with my infertility, right? Right?

So to add to the hurt, a coworker of mine told me this morning that she is 3 months pregnant. I am very happy for her, and I hope that she gets the girl that she wants (she has 2 boys) and that the pencil and ring test predicted for her. Those tests told her that she was going to have a boy, another boy, then a girl. For me, the tests told me that I'm going to have a girl, then a boy. And, of course, everyone keeps saying "things happen in threes" and my coworker is only the first one. Another coworker of mine has a daughter, but she wants to have another child. She also had a lot of trouble with having children - she could get pregnant, but she kept having miscarriages. I would love it if she ended up pregnant and I did as well.

Anyway, that's all for now. Let's all pray and hope that AF doesn't come to visit, but the stork does instead! Until next time!

Monday, November 07, 2005


Today is CD38. I had some cramping earlier - I wondering if that means that AF will be showing up soon or if that means something else. If only it means something else - that something else being something positive in my journey through infertility. One can hope, right, if only for a few seconds as I'm typing this? After I finished typing my last post?

According to fertility friend, I'm due to see AF on CD43. I hope she doesn't show. I want to believe that miracles do happen to good people.

In the meantime, I found this prayer on a blog called A Simple Kind of Life (I love that name as I would think it refers to a No Doubt song that I love), I'm going to try to take this prayer to heart as I'm going through this hell called infertility.

Speaking of the song "Simple Kind of Life" by No Doubt, here are the lyrics - my favorite part is

"I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad"

I used to wish for a mistake too - little did I know that the birth control pills were a waste of money and no mistakes were ever going to happen.

All I wanted was a simple kind of life.

It's Not O.K.

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I started to think about my desire to have children. I started to think that maybe it would be o.k. if we didn't have children, then just a split second later, I cried and screamed in my head that it was not o.k. IT'S NOT O.K. I want to have children so badly.

Just a few moments ago, I began talking to a coworker about her brother and her sister who have both adopted children either through Catholic charities or through a private adoption. She said she would ask her sibling about the adoption process. In the meantime, I've contacted one international adoption agency and I saw the costs of adopting children and IT SCARES ME! Not only does the cost scares me, but also the thought that they might not think that we have enough money to care for a child or that we will provide the child a good home. And what country would be better to adopt from? Which country would be easier to adopt from? I have too many questions and too much fear about adoption for the reasons I mentioned above.

Why can't I just get pregnant? That way no one will judge me as to whether or not I'm capable of providing for a child even if I am. I am so scared and I have NO ONE to talk to. Everyone just says, "why don't you just adopt?" IT's NOT THAT EASY!!! It's not. And it bugs me that people with children think that it is that easy. Or that they think I will get pregnant right away after adopting - if only it was that easy.

I am so frustrated today. WHY ME? Why do I have to go through this? I am so frustrated with my life today. I just want everything to be o.k. I want to be someone's mommy - it doesn't matter now if it is through adoption or if I become pregnant. I just want to be someone's mommy.

Thursday, November 03, 2005


Today is CD34 - temp is 98.3. Nothing much else to say but that. I'm feeling very tired. I don't have a lot of energy today. I really wish it was Friday already! I need a day to sleep in - actually, I need several days to sleep in. If only we were allowed to take time off from work, but that is not allowed this time of year. Blech!

Until next time!

No More Good Stuff For Me

Last night I went to the acupuncturist for another appointment. I learned that the acupuncturist has diagnosed me with Spleen Qi Deficiency, Kidney Yang Defiency and Dampness. Looking at the symptoms, I agree with that.

She suggested, as does the author of the book The Infertility Cure (which I've mentioned before), that I should try to avoid the following types of food:

1) Greasy, Fried Foods (well, I should probably avoid that anyway);
2) Fruit Juice (so much for disguising icky herbal medicine with fruit juice);
3) Chocolate (gasp!);
4) Dairy (another gasp!);
5) Sugar (more gasping!);
6 Wheat (well, she just said to try to limit this - this will be difficult); and
7) Alcohol

I've decided to try to avoid the first 5and limit the last one as much as possible. I don't drink a lot of alcohol so that won't be much of a sacrifice, but the other stuff, I'm going to find difficult. However, if there's a possibly that it might help, then I'm going to at least try it.