More Rollercoaster of Emotions

I'm not sure if it's remembering the events of 9/11, or the vanpool girl having her baby, or PMS, or anxiety over our first IVF cycle or what, but this afternoon, I just couldn't be at work anymore. I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball and just cry. And when I got home, that's exactly what I did. I can't stand feeling this way. I have no motivation for work at all, which is really unfortunate timing since I have plenty of work to do. Oh, and my birthday is coming up on Wednesday - I'll be 33 years old. I never thought I would still be childless at 33, but then again, I never thought I'd ever do IVF and here I am, about to start on that journey of this IF rollercoaster.

What is wrong with me? Am I ever going to get out of this funk?

I've been watching Ellen DeGeneres' show since it started the new season last week, and she's been talking about making a life list - writing things down that you want to accomplish in your life. It's got to be pretty obvious what #1 is for me right now. One of the things that one of the guests mentioned putting on her list is "being able to say no without feeling guilty" and that got me thinking of a conversation I had with a coworker today as she was planning her husband's birthday party. She and I are very similar though she is 7 years younger than me - both of us feel like we need to please everyone all the time. We feel like we have to include everyone in everything though sometimes that just won't work. And we want to be considerate of others though sometimes they don't give us the same consideration (though sometimes people surprise us. I just got a birthday card from the last person I would have expected to remember my birthday and it isn't because he's inconsiderate (just the opposite, actually) - I just didn't think he would remember because we see each other maybe once or twice a year.)


Is that a flaw in our personalities? Both of us expressed desire in not wanting to be this way because being this way causes us pain sometimes. I guess that's why I feel guilt over not going to a friend's baby shower or not inviting this or that person to something I'm planning.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I need to go listen to some music that makes me happy and despite myself, that Justin Timberlake song "Sexy Back" is fun to listen to as is Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man" (which is currently my cell phone ring tone) (she really does have a good voice). Ha - "Sexy Back" just came on MTV! Nice timing!