CD24 and WTH?

So today is CD24. My temps have been all over the place, but nothing above 98.0 since right before AF showed up. So it would seem that no ovulation has taken place. I keep meaning to go to the drugstore and purchase some of the sticks to use with my OPK but I keep forgetting to! And I'm not sure I should start using them now or not. Should I just wait until my next cycle to use them?

So because this cycle looks like it will be a long one, it will be a while before I can go in to get those tests done to apply for the shared risk program. More waiting! That seems like all we do while going through infertility!

My husband and I talked about it and we are most likely going to apply for the program within the next few months, so we might as well get the testing done so as soon as we can. Of course, I am very much not looking forward to the HSG. We are also considering cancelling the other appointment with the other clinic. If we qualify for shared risk, that determines which clinic we will go to. If, for some reason, we don't qualify for the program, then we can go to the other clinic to discuss with them their IVF program. What do you guys think?

Anyway, I am really anxious to get to the first IVF cycle. I am feeling really hopeful about IVF working for us, so I want to get going on that!

Chiropractor

So the chiropractic appointment I had scheduled for August was moved up to yesterday - although it was really nice and my back does feel better, I kinda wish I would've kept my original appointment because it took me an hour to get home from Redmond. 520 sucks!

Anyway, they gave a massage before the chiropractor came around, which felt really good. And the popping and snapping of my back felt really good. I haven't decided yet if I'm going back or not - it really depends on if they are able to bill my insurance by deeming this physical therapy as I've exhausted my alternative care treatments for the year with acupuncture. That really sucks because I thought I still had 3 treatments left (which is what my acupuncturist told me) but I was told yesterday that I only had 1 left and that was before this past Wednesday's appointment (we are only allowed 20 per calendar year on our insurance). So if I want to go again to acupuncture whenever we do IVF, I'll have pay out of pocket.

You know, that reminds me, the clinic that we went to the other day, offers a Mind Body class that supposedly is helpful to women going through infertility. I keep meaning to check that out to see how much it might cost and if it would be worth it.

Misc. Thoughts & Child-Free Question

Have I mentioned how infertility sucks? Monday night, when thinking about the fact that we had to seek medical help to get pregnant, I seriously just got so angry. I just wanted to throw things and break things. I f***ing hate all of this. I don't want to seek medical help, but I want a baby, so there's nothing I can do about it. I have crappy fallopian tubes and I don't seem to want to ovulate on time. UGH!

You know another thing that's crappy - all of this infertility is my fault. There is nothing wrong with my husband. It's all me. Do you know how much guilt I feel about this? How much I hate my body for being so broken?

Then last night at support group, I just couldn't stop myself from crying. I am ready to move onto IVF, but I am freaking out about it. Am I making the right decision to move onto IVF? Will shared risk be the right thing for us? When should we start with IVF? How long can I wait to start IVF? GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

All of this leads me to my next question that I've thought about from time to time as we've been struggling with infertility. Should we consider being child-free? Is that even an option for us? Most of the time, I say no, but sometimes, in those rare moments, I think maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom - maybe I won't be a good mom so perhaps we should consider child-free living.

After all, it would be better financially, physically and emotionally (just thinking of the negatives if there are to be any) to not have to go through IVF. I wish there was a shut off switch for my desire to have children. What exactly is fueling my desire to have children? Do I want children because I truly want to parent a child? Do I want it because that is what society tells you are supposed to do after you get married? Is there some other reason?

I honestly feel that the reason is because I truly want to parent a child. I want to be a mother. I want my husband to be a father. I don't think I could really consider child-free living unless I had no other choice, but I do think about it from time to time and I immediately dismiss that thought. I just can't imagine it.

On a different topic, yesterday, I drove into work because of the doctor's appointment and I ran into vanpool girl on my way out and she offered to ride home with me so I could use the carpool lane. I had looked at traffic online before I left and it sucked, and I knew if I didn't have someone with me, I wouldn't get home in time to feed my kitties and myself before going onto my support group meeting, so I accepted her offer. Luckily, we had a really good conversation about my issues with infertility and her pregnancy. She expressed how she never imagined it would happen to her so quickly, so she feels blessed because of that. And I am truly happy for her, but I just didn't think she would become pregnant before I did. After all, I started so much earlier than she did.

Anyway, this post is getting a little too long too so I'll end this one now. I hope everyone is doing well.

Door # 2 & Other Thoughts

Well, today we went to go see the clinic that offers shared risk in my area. We first spoke to the doctor who agreed with Door #1 doctor and said IVF was our next step. Considering we've tried Clomid by itself, then Clomid with IUI, then Clomid, Injectable and IUI, and none of that worked along with the fact that ovulation for me can be a bit wacky (it is now CD18 and there is no sign of ovulation) and my tubes (well, at least, my right tube) have problems.

So after discussing all that, the doctor wanted to do a physical and an ultrasound to see where things are at. I wasn't prepared for this as this was just a consult, but o.k. So everything looked good, except I have a cyst on my right side (which could explain the pain I had been having on my right side) that he said was most likely due to being on Clomid for so long. He told us that we could do an IVF cycle in September if we wanted to - believe me when I say, I am very tempted to do so. However, we are looking into how much money we want to save before we go ahead with this treatment so as to minimize the amount we will have to borrow. If we just did an IVF cycle, we could probably do one relatively soon, but we are also looking to see if we qualify for shared risk.

The doctor seems to think that we will qualify considering my age and what my hormone levels have been, but it would be best if we didn't wait too long. In order to qualify, the financial person told us we would need to have CD3 testing done (FSH, E2) (if not done within the past 6 months - which I need to check on), another uterine exam (HSG or SHG) (if not done within past 18 months - which I know it has been longer - I am SOOOOO not looking forward to doing this test again (if HSG) - that test HURT LIKE HELL), and my husband must do another sperm analysis since it has been longer than the time frame they want that in. All of this pre-cycle testing will supposedly be covered by my insurance if we go to my current RE's office to do these tests. However, if we do shared risk, we cannot have insurance pay for any ultrasounds and bloodwork once the cycle has begun since shared risk is our insurance so to speak.

The doctor told us that we would probably not need ICSI, so our cost for shared risk would be around $20,000 + the cost of the drugs which can be between $2500 and $7000. I'm hoping since the last time we chose to use the least expensive of the options given, that the cost for the drugs will be on the lower side of that range.

Well, I think that about covers it. They told us to call whenever we are ready. The first thing for us to do is to see if we qualify for shared risk and if we do, then get the money to cover the cost of the program. If you don't recall, shared risk includes 3 fresh IVF cycles and 3 FETs.

I did think it was interesting (and kinda wrong) for the clinic to have a Star magazine with the cover "Cutest Babies of this year" or something like that anyway. What's up with that?

Anyway, I did have other thoughts to share, but I think this post is getting too long so I'll save that for my next post (of which I've been working on for several days now).

Filling Out Forms

So instead of working this afternoon (it's Friday and I have no motivation), I was trying to fill out this medical history form that the clinic we're going to on Tuesday asks us to fill out. They are asking for my weight now - I can understand that, but then they ask for my weight at 18, 25 and 30. It's kinda depressing to think about how my weight has changed a lot since I was 18. They're asking about how long I was on birth control, and I honestly have no idea when I started on the pill. I know when I stopped but not when I began. And, of course, they ask about family medical history and my own history. It's just one big long form!

Anyway, I was talking to my boss earlier about my desire to have a massage and she asked if I had ever been to a chiropractor - which I haven't. She said that her daughter goes to this chiropractor over in Redmond that she really likes and they also offer massages with the chiropractic appointment. And the good thing about this is that insurance will supposedly cover the cost. So I'm going to try it at least once and see how it goes. I'm a little nervous about it, but it's been something I've been thinking about doing for a while now. The appointment isn't until the 14th though.

O.K. It's really hot in my home office, so I think I'm going to go back downstairs now. I'm thinking of going walking around Greenlake early tomorrow morning (like 7:30 early) while my husband and friend run their 9 miles (they want to go early since it is going to be way too freaking hot here tomorrow - though not as hot as where my siblings and parents live), so that will be nice to get another 3 miles of walking done.

Friends & Family

I was catching up on some blogs that I read, and came across Tertia's blog in which she writes about that infertility is not easy for anyone involved - be it the couple going through infertility or for those who know the couple going through infertility.

Reading her post opened my eyes a little bit. It's so easy to think about your own pain in all of this without thinking how it must feel for those around you who know what you are going through. I know I've thought it can't be easy for those who know me to hear me talk about this and it can't be easy to know what is the right thing to say - should something be said at all? I mentioned in a comment on another blog that, for me, hearing just a simple question of "how are you doing?" can mean a lot. I'd imagine that is true of most anything that people go through whether it be a death in the family, cancer or even work-related stress or any typical day.

To my friends in "real life" and in blogworld and to my family, I hope you are all doing well. And I hope that you know that I appreciate your support.

Massage?

I really, really, really need a good massage. I'm torn between saving my money (as I really need to do) and getting a massage. My back is killing me. Back when I was going to acupuncture every week, my back was feeling great, but now that I'm going once every 3 weeks or so, not so much. If only insurance covered more than 20 visits per year, I could continue to go every week!

I was looking at the rates at In*Spa - 60 minutes is $64 and 90 minutes is $89. Rather reasonable rates and they have a no tipping policy, but I don't know if I should indulge myself. Ugh - when am I going to win the lottery? (It would probably help if I started playing).

Gotta Love Short Work Days

To answer Jenny's question about how I feel about doing IVF - I'm o.k. with as much as anyone can be o.k. with having to do any kind of treatment to get pregnant. I would have loved to been able to do an IUI and have it work. I can afford an IUI right now, but IVF is a little bit away. I want to save up as much as I can - but I think, in the end, we will need to borrow some of the money.

I just want to do whatever it takes to get me pregnant - and if that means, doing IVF, then I'll do it. I'm not as afraid of the needles anymore - I'm more just afraid of the cost and have it not work - which is why shared risk seems like such a good deal for us. If it doesn't work, we'll have our money back to adopt.

On a different topic, this afternoon my boss and 2nd boss took some of the department out to lunch for thanks for helping out while 2 of our coworkers are out on leave. One of my coworkers is back on Monday and I am so happy about that. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that the temp guy that I can't stand is gone. He'll be here for a little while longer, along with the other temp (that I do like). Anyway, so we got our lunch and ate down by Lake Sammamish. We talked about quite a bit - including baby talk as my 2nd boss had her 2nd baby back in February or March (I can't remember now). Then we were told that we could leave early (thankfully, my boss told me about this possibility so I drove my car into work today), so that was nice.

As I was driving home, I thought I would go walk around Greenlake since it is so nice out. So I went home and changed and didn't think about the fact that the time I got there (around 2) would be the time that the mommy and baby parade would be going around the lake. There were so many women (only saw one man) pushing strollers - at one point, there were 8 women together with their 8 strollers. I tried to not think about it and just enjoy the walk. Toward the end though, my right side was really, really hurting like it did just after the last IUI. After I got back home, it had finally stopped hurting.

Well, that was my day today. I'm actually quite proud of myself for going walking at least 2 or so miles for the past few days. If I remember, I'm bringing my walking shoes with me to work to walk around at lunch, but if it's supposed to be 92 degrees tomorrow, I'm not so sure I'll want to go outside! We'll see.

Behind Door #1

Today was the first RE appointment of the 3 that I have scheduled in the next few weeks. We're going around to each of the clinics that I know of to compare to see who we should go with if we are to move onto IVF.

Today was the appointment with my current RE. She told us it was time to move onto IVF. With my right fallopian tube "blocked", she thinks there could be something wrong with the left and with IVF, they can bypass the fallopian tubes. She thinks because I'm "young" and because we've trying for so long on our own and with IUIs, the best next step would be IVF. I can't say I'm entirely surprised. I guess a part of me was thinking she might say another IUI with injectables would be o.k., but she didn't say that. She basically told us that another IUI would be a waste of our time and money.

So for now, it looks like we are moving onto IVF. I'm sure the other two REs will say the same thing, but I suppose I never know. The next appointment is on Tuesday morning at 8 a.m.

After the appointment, my husband and I went to a nearby school so he could run around the track. I walked while he ran. On our way to the track, we were discussing when we might be ready to do an IVF cycle and of course, I would love to do it NOW if that were possible. I know it's not, but I want to. I have a friend who can't understand why people would go into debt to have a baby now when they can save up money and do it when they have the money. Of course, I would love to have the money and not go into debt, but if I wait too much longer, I won't qualify for shared risk (assuming that I do now - we'll see on Tuesday when we go to the clinic that offers that) anymore. There is an age limit. My hormones levels have to be where they want them to be, and if I wait, as I get older, those hormones could change for the worse. Right now, they are right where they need to be. It would seem I'm trying to talk myself into adding more debt onto what I already have, and we are going to wait a little while longer before we start the first IVF cycle, but I can't wait too long - both physically and emotionally. I've waited so long - it's been a little over 4 1/2 years since we started trying. I just want this rollercoaster to be over, and I wish more people understood that. I don't want to do this anymore, but I don't want it to be over if I don't have my baby in my arms.

Well, there's more I want to say on that, but I think I should stop here.

Anxious

I'm about to leave to go to pick up my husband and go off to our doctor appointment, and I am so incredibly anxious. I'm not sure why - maybe I'm afraid of what she might say. I'll write more when I get back home from the appointment!

What Comes Next?

Tomorrow afternoon (@ 3:45 p.m.), I have an appointment with my RE. I'm anxious to hear what she has to say. Another IUI with injectables? Move onto IVF? Today is CD11 of the current cycle, so it won't be for a little while before we can do anything anyway. What's weird is that I had some pain on my right side much like I had last cycle when I was on all the fertility drugs. Luckily, the pain went away in time for me to take a walk around the trail nearby my work. I think I walked around 2 miles like yesterday, but I don't know for sure since my friend didn't come with me today - she has a GPS device that tracks how far we walk and where.

Anyway, I'm doing better than yesterday. I'm trying to ignore those annoying people I mentioned yesterday. Thankfully, today, that's been easy to do since I haven't heard from them or seen them today.

I also got some great news today regarding a friend of mine - not only did her donor cycle work, it looks like she may have twins! I am so excited for her!

Up and Down and Up and Down

The weekend was actually quite nice after my breakdown on Friday night. I went to go see a depressing documentary (An Inconvenient Truth), but I also went to go see an entertaining movie (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest). I spent Saturday with some girlfriends working on our different crafts (we're wild!) while watching Big Fish - I fixed a couple bracelets and made another that I will need to fix because I made it too small. Someday, I will get the hang of this.

My husband and I had a nice date on Sunday when we went to go see the Pirates movie. I went to a library opening on Saturday (again - so wild).
:-D

So for the most part, the weekend was nice. Then came Monday - Mondays do truly suck - especially when you're paying a bill online - bye bye money. And, of course, there's work and having to deal with people who think they know it all and apparently think you're stupid. Do some people get off on making other people feel stupid and making people feel like what they care about and desire is stupid? I don't want to go into too many details right now. One good thing about today is that I went on a 2 mile walk with a friend at lunch. I think I may go again tomorrow (if I remember to bring some clothes to wear when one is working out outside).

I'm not really that fond of my job - it's just something I do to get money. I feel an obligation to stay since they really pushed me to stay just a few short months ago, and for the most part, the people are nice. There are some exceptions - surprisingly (or maybe, not so surprisingly), those exceptions tend to be the attorneys or again, those who think they know it all.

Well, on that note, I suppose I'll go now and go read some more of my book or maybe I'll just look at stuff on the internet. I'm not really feeling that motivated to do either.

Breakdown

I'm having a breakdown. There's just nothing like looking at your finances to make you feel like crap and make you rethink all the decisions that you've made throughout life. What the hell am I thinking that I will ever be able to do IVF? Unless I suddenly get a rich friend who is willing to let me borrow quite a bit of money or I somehow win the lottery, IVF seems completely out of reach. I blame my decision to go to law school - if I didn't have that debt, I would probably have a much nicer house and I would be able to afford IVF.

I was having such a good night too. My husband and I ate some dinner and watched Garden State. It was a good night until I started to clean up a bit and came across the paperwork for one of my school loans - it's just so depressing.

Today, I was talking to one of the temps in my office (not the temp I can't stand, but the other one) - I learned that him and his wife went through fertility treatments and nothing worked. They tried a lot, including donor egg. They are now in the process of adopting a child from China. It sometimes is amazing the number of people I come across who have had difficulty conceiving. Either there are more of us or people talk about it more. I know I talk about it with people I probably shouldn't have - maybe I just want people to know what I'm going through and how much it sucks. I don't know why I share this information with people I barely know.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm just pissed off with the decisions that I've made (well, really, just the decision to go to law school) and I'm pissed off that so many women get pregnant "for free" while I have to fork over any savings that I have in order to get that child. It seriously just pisses me off and depresses me. What have I done in my (almost) 33 years to deserve this?

At the end of Garden State, there's a song called "Let Go" and one of the lines in the song is "There's beauty in the breakdown". I'm not so sure that's true, but I suppose it can be healthy to have a good cry every once in a while, right? Though maybe not everyday.

Various Items

When I came into work this morning, I just felt like I was on the verge of tears. It didn't help that the last dream that I had involved my employer cutting my salary in half which made me think I won't be able to afford any treatments (or my house). I remember when the alarm went off that the last part of my dream involved me crying because now I wouldn't ever have my own children.

Then I decided to ride in the vanpool today, and I don't think that was such a great idea. It started out o.k., but they had to start talking about breastfeeding and baby registries, etc. Once again, I pull out my iPod. Not sure if I'll be in the vanpool tomorrow.

I did get some great news when I got into the office and checked my e-mail - one of the women in my support group found out her donor cycle worked! I am so happy for her. Our group finally has another success story!

Oh, and to answer a question from a few posts ago about the Hamster Egg Penetration Assay. I hadn't heard of this until about a month ago. Apparently, doctors will use hamster eggs (as apparently they are the most similar to human eggs (something like that anyway)) to test whether sperm can even penetrate the egg in order to fertilize. The woman in my group who talked about it said that those who "pass" the test are jokingly referred to as a "hamster daddy". :-D

I made the other doctor appointment with the clinic that offers shared risk. Unfortunately, they don't take my insurance, so we will have to pay $300 up front to see the doctor at this clinic. I'm wondering if this is worth it. They said that I might be able to get my insurance provider to reimburse me if my insurance normally covers consults (which they do). I'm waiting to hear back from my insurance company to see if they will reimburse. The appointment is on the 25th at 8 a.m. I wonder if my boss will get annoyed with all the doctor appointments I have!

Hey

I just feel like crying, and I can't do anything about it since I'm at work. I felt like crying last night too, but my support group made me feel better.

One of the girls was talking last night about one of the clinics here in Seattle that offer shared risk plans. My current RE said that I would probably qualify for this, so I just sent an e-mail to them via their website to set an appointment with them. Yes, I know will have 3 doctor appointments. Since we probably will have to move onto IVF, I think I should "interview" each of the 3 clinics that I know in the area to see which one I like the best. If I do qualify for shared risk, I will probably go with that clinic. It supposedly costs around $23,000 for IVF+ICSI for 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles (this # doesn't include the drugs). If it doesn't work, then you get all of your money back, but if it works the first time, you just gave the clinic a nice profit. I'm thinking we might do this as soon as we have the money to do so, but we'll make our final decision after we've talked to each of the doctors. In the meantime, we might try another IUI with injectables, but we'll see what my current RE thinks about that.

In other news, I haven't been in my van for the past 3 days. Monday was because my husband and I were going straight to Tacoma after work to visit my in-laws. Yesterday, I had a torture session with the dentist (it was just a cleaning, but they are now using this metal water pick to help take the place of the metal poking stick, but they both hurt)! Today, my only reason is because I didn't want to be in the vanpool with pregnant vanpool girl talking about her pregnancy. Well, anyway, I ran into her in the deli when I was getting some lunch. I told her about the crappy weekend/week and why it was crappy, and she said that she was really sorry. She also sent me an e-mail which was really rather sweet, which made me really want to break down and cry. It makes me feel so bad for not being able to listen to her pregnancy talk (or anyone's for that matter) when she is being so sweet. I don't want to be irritated by pregnancy talk, but I am. I know I said it yesterday, but I got to say it again - infertility SUCKS! I just want everything to work out already, so I can move on.

Update

My MIL was released from the hospital last night. Apparently, her heart looks o.k. (at least this is what by BIL told me), but she really needs to make sure to take her seizure medication so as to avoid any future seizures. When she got home, there were some weird conversations - I don't think I'll mention them here, but they were weird.

And with me, I was doing somewhat o.k. the last half of the day with the failed IUI until it seemed everyone was so super excited about the kids. Of course, this is what people do, but it just hurts because I want people to be super excited about my children too. I feel like such a failure sometimes because I can't do what others so easily can. I know exactly what the Dixie Chicks were feeling when they wrote the line in their song, "So Hard", about feeling guilty for not being able to give that gift. As we all have mentioned at one point or another, infertilty sucks!!!

Acronyms and Abbereviations

Found this list on Sunnie's blog, and I thought I would post on my own since I've had some ask me what certain things mean... (though I welcome the questions).

EWSGROUP SPECIFIC ACRONYMS AND ABBREVIATIONS
2WW = 2-Week Wait
47XXY = Klinefelter's Syndrome
ACA = Anti-cardiolipin Antibodies
ACTH = Adrenal Corticotropic Hormone
AF = Aunt Flo (menstruation)
AH, AZH = Assisted Hatching
AHI = At-home Insemination
a.i = alt.infertility newsgroup
a.i.a, aia = alt.infertility.alternatives newsgroup
a.i.p, aip = alt.infertility.primary newsgroup
a.i.s, ais = alt.infertility.secondary newsgroup
AI = Artificial Insemination
AIH = Artificial Insemination from Husband
ANA = Anti-nuclear Antibodies
AO = Anovulation
AOA, AVA = Anti-ovarian Antibody
APA = Anti-phospholipid Antibodies
APTT = Activated Partial Thromboplastin Time
ART = Assisted Reproductive Technology
ASA = Anti-sperm Antibody
ASRM = American Society of Reproductive Medicine
ATA = Anti-thyroid Antibody
AWOL = A Woman On Lupron
B2 = Baby Two (mailing list)
BA = Baby Aspirin
BBT = Basal Body Temperature
BCP = Birth Control Pills
BD = Baby Dance (sex)
BFN = Big Fat Negative
BFP = Big Fat Positive
BG = Blood Glucose
BMS = Baby-making Sex
BSE = Breast Self-Exam
BT = Balanced Translocation
BW, b/w = Bloodwork
C# = Cycle Number
CAD = Carbohydrate Addict's Diet
CAH = Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia
CALP = Carbohydrate Addict's Life Plan
CASA = Computer-assisted Semen Analysis
CB = Cycle Buddy CBAVD = Congenital Bilateral Absence of the Vas Deferens
CCCT, CCT = Clomiphene Citrate Challenge Test (Clomid Challenge Test)
CD = Cycle Day
CD56+ = Natural Killer Cells
CF = Cervical Fluid
CM = Cervical Mucus
CMV = Cytomegalovirus
CNM = Certified Nurse Midwife
COH = Controlled Ovarian Hyperstimulation
COW = Curse of Womanhood (menstruation)
CP = Cervical Position
CPFM = ClearPlan Fertility Monitor
CVS = Chorionic Villae Sampling
D&C = Dilation & Curettage
D&E = Dilation & Evacuation
DE = Donor Eggs
DES = Diethylstilbestrol (a synthetic estrogen)
DHEAS = Dihydroepiandrosterone Sulfate
DI = Donor Insemination
DIPI = Direct Intra-peritoneal Insemination
DOR = Diminished Ovarian Reserve
DOST = Direct Oocyte-Sperm Transfer
DPO = Days Post-Ovulation
DPR = Days Post-Retrieval
DPT = Days Post-Transfer
DP3DT = Days Post 3-Day Transfer
DP3DT = Days Post 5-Day Transfer
Dx = Diagnosis
E2 = Estradiol
EB, EMB = Endometrial Biopsy
EDD = Estimated Due Date
ENDO = Endometriosis
EPO = Evening Primrose Oil
EPT = Early Pregnancy Test
ET = Embryo Transfer
ETF = Embryo Toxic Factor
ETA = Embryo Toxicity Assay
EW, EWCM = Eggwhite Cervical Mucus
FBG = Fasting Blood Glucose
FI = Fasting Insulin
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer
FF = Fertility Friend or Fat Friendly
FHR = Fetal Heart Rate
FP = Follicular Phase
FM = Fertile Mucus or Fertility Monitor
FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone
FTTA = Fertile Thoughts To All
FUR = False Unicorn Root
FV = Fertile Vibes
GD = Gestational Diabetes
GI = Gastrointestinal
GIFT = Gamete Intra-fallopian Transfer
GnRH = Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone
GP = General Practitioner
GTT = Glucose Tolerance Test
HbA1c = Glycosylated Hemoglobin (also called Glycohemoglobin)
hCG, HCG = Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HCP = Health Care Practitioner
HEPA = Hamster Egg Penetration Assay
hMG, HMG = Human Menopausal Gonadotropin
HP = Hannah's Prayer (Christian infertility / pregnancy loss group)
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
HRT = Hormone Replacement Therapy
HSC = Hysteroscopy
HSG = Hysterosalpingogram
IBT = Immunobead Binding Test
ICI = Intra-cervical Insemination
ICSI = Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection
IF = Infertility
IGTT = Insulin and Glucose Tolerance Test
IM = Intra-muscular (WRT injections)
INCIID = International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination
IOR = Immature Oocyte Retrieval
IR = Insulin Resistant
ITI = Intra-tubal Insemination
IUFD = Intra-uterine Fetal Demise
IUGR = Intra-uterine Growth Retardation
IUI = Intra-uterine Insemination
IVC = Intra-vaginal Culture
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
IVIg = Intravenous Immunoglobulin
LAD = Leukocyte Antibody Detection Assay
LAP = Laparoscopy
LH = Luteinizing Hormone
LIT = Leukocyte Immunization Therapy
LMP = Last Menstrual Period (start date)
LO = Love Olympics (sex)
LP = Luteal Phase
LPD = Luteal Phase Defect
LSP = Low Sperm Count
LUF, LUFS = Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome
MAI = Miscarriage After Infertility (mail list)
MC, m/c, misc. = Miscarriage
MESA = Microsurgical Epididymal Sperm Aspiration
MF = Male Factor
m.h.i, mhi = misc.health.infertility newsgroup
MIFT = Micro Injection Fallopian Transfer
m.k.p, mkp = misc.kids.pregnancy newsgroup
MMR = Measles-Mumps-Rubella Vaccine
MRI = Magnetic Resonance Imaging
NEST = Non-surgical Embryonic Selective Thinning
NK = Natural Killer Cells (CD56+)
NORIF = Non-stimulated Oocyte Retrieval In (office) Fertilization
NP = Nurse Practitioner
NSA = Non-surgical Sperm Aspiration
O, OV = Ovulation
OASIS = Overweight & Seeking Infertility Support (mail list)
OB = Obstetrician
OB/GYN = Obstetrician/Gynecologist
OC = Oral Contraceptives
OD = Ovulatory Dysfunction
OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
ONNA = Oh No, Not Again (mail list)
OPK Ovulation Predictor Kit
OPSS = Overweight & Pregnant Support (mail list)
OPT = Ovulation Predictor Test
OTC = Over The Counter
OTTC = Overweight & Trying To Conceive (mail list)
OW = Overweight
P4 = Progesterone
PA = Physician's Assistant
PAI-1 = Plasminogen Activator Inhibitor-1
PANFERT = Pregnancy After Infertility (mail list)
PCAO= Polycystic Appearing Ovaries
PCO = Polycystic Ovaries
PCOD = Polycystic Ovary Disease
PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
PCP = Primary Care Physician
PCT = Post Coital Test
PESA = Percutaneous Epididymal Sperm Aspiration
PG = Pregnant
PGD = Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis
PI = Primary Infertility
PID = Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
PIO = Progesterone in Oil
PLI = Paternal Leukocyte Immunization
PMS = Pre-menstrual Syndrome
PNM = Perinatal Mortality
POC = Products of Conception
POF = Premature Ovarian Failure
PROM = Premature Rupture of Membranes
PTSD = Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
PZD = Partial Zona Dissection
RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
R-FSH, R-hFSH = Recombinant Human Follicle Stimulating Hormone
RI = Reproductive Immunologist
RIP = Reproductive Immunophynotype
ROS = Reactive Oxygen Species
RPL = Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
RSA = Recurrent Spontaneous Abortion
Rx = Prescription
SA = Semen Analysis
SART = Society of Assisted Reproductive Technology
s/b, S/B = Stillbirth
SB = SugarBusters diet
SCORIF = Stimulated Cycle Oocyte Retrieval In (office) Fertilization
SHG, SonoHSG = Sonohysterogram
SI = Secondary Infertility
SIS = Saline Injection Sonogram
SLE = Systemic Lupus Erythematosus
SPA = Sperm Penetration Assay
SPALS = Subsequent Pregnancy After a Loss Support (mail list)
s.s.p.l, sppl = soc.support.pregnancy.loss newsgroup
STD = Sexually Transmitted Disease
SUZI = Sub-zonal Insertion
T1 = Type I Diabetic -- Juvenile Diabete
T2 = Type II Diabetic -- Insulin Resistant, Adult Onset
T4 = Thyroxine
TEBG = Testosterone-Estradiol Binding Globulin
TESA = Testicular Sperm Aspiration
TESE = Testicular Sperm Extraction
TET = Tubal Embryo Transfer
TL = Tubal Ligation
TNF = Tumor Necrosis Factor
TORCH = Toxoplasmosis, Other, Rubella, Cytomegalovirus & Herpes test
TR = Tubal Reversal
TRH = Thyroid Releasing Hormone
TSH = Thyroid Stimulating Hormone
TTC = Trying to Conceive
TTCAR = Trying to Conceive after Reversal
TUFT = Trans-uterine Fallopian Transfer
Tx = Treatment
TZD = Thiazolidinediones
UR = Urologist
US, u/s = Ultrasound
UTI = Urinary Tract Infection
V = Vasectomy
VR = Vasectomy Reversal
WBC = White Blood Cells
WHR = Waist to Hip Ratio
WLS = Weight Loss Surgery
WNL = Within Normal Limits
ZIFT = Zygote Intra-fallopian Transfer

Trying Hard Not to be Depressed

My MIL is doing better, though they are still not sure what's wrong with her. They are doing more tests on her heart today. So after work, my husband and I will go back down to Tacoma.

On the infertility front, I think I'm putting on a brave face for everyone. I've done mostly well about keeping my emotions about the IUI on the backburner while we figure out what's going on with my MIL. I feel like crying about this latest failure, but I feel like people will look at me as if I'm being the most selfish person in the world for thinking of myself when my MIL is in the hospital. Of course, I care about my MIL and want her to get better, but this failure just sucks! My husband says I'm not selfish for feeling sad about this failure - he's sad too, he tells me.

I've made a couple appointments this morning with my current RE and with another RE for another opinion. The appointment with my current RE is on the 19th, but the other RE, the soonest I could get in was on August 9th - after my next cycle should start. That didn't quite work out the way I wanted it too.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Third Time is Not the Charm...At Least With Us

So shortly after posting my last blog entry, AF showed up so IUI #3 is officially a failure. 26 day cycle. That doesn't seem like a good thing.

My husband and I were discussing what we want to do next. We're thinking of trying one more IUI, then moving onto IVF. Part of me wonders if that is the right thing to do - I wonder if we should just go ahead and move onto IVF. I just don't know if I'm ready to do so yet emotionally (and definitely not financially). We were also discussing whether to continue on with my current RE or move to another RE - will that make the difference between success and failure? I hate that there are so many decisions to make and that decision could make such a huge difference or no difference at all. It angers me that I even have to make these decisions when other women can get pregnant just by having sex. It kinda makes me laugh the money and time we spent on getting different forms of birth control.

I had one big emotional breakdown this morning when my husband came to me while I was typing the last post, and I just couldn't hold it in. Although my mother-in-law is in the hospital, I had a moment of selfishness and thought of my own failure in getting pregnant. I couldn't help it. It's something that I think about all the time, and I feel horrible for thinking of myself when my MIL is in the ICU. BTW, we still don't know what's wrong with her. The nurse that was in when we got to the hospital earlier today was bitchy and didn't seem to want to release any information to us, and we didn't know where the doctor was. We ended up talking to my mother-in-law. The breathing tube was taken out earlier in the day. She was really tired and felt horrible (as to be expected), and she really wanted us to go and clean up her house since my brother-in-law & his family (who live in San Diego) are coming into town and will be staying at her house. So that's what we spent most of the day doing. Well, I helped out when I could, but my cramps felt horrible so I laid down quite a bit.

Anyway, that's it for now. As for IUI #4, I'm thinking of taking one cycle off before starting again. I need the physical, emotional, and financial break from fertility treatments. Part of me thinks we should just jump back into it, but if we did, we would have to start on Monday on CD3 and since I'm not sure if I'll be able to see my RE then, I don't want to feel rushed into a decision on what protocol to do, so we'll probably wait. Plus, I kinda want to see the other RE and see what she thinks we should do. Maybe they will both think another IUI is a big waste of our time and money, but we'll see.

:-(

I'm almost certain that the IUI failed. AF hasn't shown up yet, but it is only a matter of time. My temp dropped to 97.7 and I continue to have AF-like cramps. I am so miserable right now. Not only do I have this to deal with, but my mother-in-law is in the hospital in the ICU. She had some bad seizures and they are now looking to see if she had a heart attack. It was so hard to see her last night in the hospital with a breathing tube down her throat and well, just the state she was in when we saw her. We left our house last night around 8 to drive to Tacoma (south of Seattle), where my husband's parents live, and we didn't get home until close to 4 a.m. And as usual, I can't sleep.

Please send some positive vibes to my mother-in-law if you can.

OMG

Paris*Hilton wants to have babies - will she ditch them when they get too big like she did with her dogs?

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My temp went back down to 98.0. Along with the cramps I've been having, this is really not a good sign. Fertility Friend is now going back to its earlier decision of CD12 being the day of ovulation. If it's right, that means AF should arrive tomorrow. Needless to say, I'm starting to feel a bit depressed this morning. And please, please don't tell me that my negative attitude caused the IUI to fail (and I know most of you wouldn't say this). It is not this that has caused this to happen - it's my stupid, f***ing, broken-down body. I'm holding out a sliver of hope, but that sliver is almost nonexistent at this point.

So I come into work already feeling down because of what I said above, and on my desk is a book "What to expect when you're expecting". WTH?!?!? Are you kidding me? Who the hell would put this on my desk at this point in my life? Am I overreacting because I'm having a bad morning? I'm sure whoever put this here (and I'm not certain who did) had the best of intentions and had a more positive attitude about this IUI than I do, but you do not give stuff like this to someone who is going through infertility and who doesn't know yet if her IUI or IVF worked. I just don't even know what to do. Should I keep the book in the off chance I should ever need it? Or do I thank the person for thinking of me(if I figure out who it is), but that I can't keep this book because I have no need for it at this time and I may never need it?

Only 7 more hours of work left.

Documentary Post Removed

I'm going to remove this post about the documentary "Tec*hno*sto*rks" because I've heard from a few people of their spamming ways, and I really don't want to encourage that kind of behavior. I had no idea until I checked my mail this morning and a few people let me know. Thanks to those who let me know about this!!! I was going to wait until lunch to do this, but I just decided to go ahead and remove the post now.

Multiple Things

I had a few things I wanted to blog about:

1) No more jury duty for me. They only had 1 case in the 2 days I was there, and I wasn't called for the panel for that one, so I didn't get to be on a jury. I'm a little bummed. I, at least, wanted to go through voir dire! Anyway, they let us go at 11 today, so I called up a friend who was going to meet me downtown for lunch and told her I would just come pick her up and we could go somewhere. We went out to P.F. Chang's at Alderwood Mall, and I had the lettuce wraps and the crispy honey chicken - so yum! Aftewards, we went to Michael's and I spent too much money on beads. But, I made another bracelet this afternoon while at my friend's house. I used to hate wearing bracelets, but I don't seem to mind them now. I was going to post pictures of the bracelets I made, but the batteries in my camera said that they wanted charging. Whatever! So maybe later.

2) I was also going to share the socks that I bought for the times I went to the doctor for the "dil*do cam", so my feet wouldn't be cold. I got this idea from some other bloggers, so I thought I would go out and buy some socks to wear. Both pair that I got have kitties on them. :-D

3) The, what I think are, AF cramps continued on and off today. I've actually been o.k. (emotionally) most of the day because I had some distractions today, but now that I came back home, it's a different story. I feel like I'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown at any moment. I have to confess that on the way home from my friend's house, I did breakdown. I'm better now though. The friend that I was visiting with this afternoon told me the other day that if I ever needed to talk, whenever that time may be, I could call her. It was really sweet of her to say that. It is hard for me though to show my emotions in front of people - sometimes, even my husband - I just wanted her to know that (if she's reading this). However, maybe I'll be able to show them next week if I find out this IUI didn't work, which is feeling more and more likely that it didn't. UGH! I hate having a negative attitude, but the temp wackiness, the horrible cramps before and the AF-like cramps now, aren't letting hope in right now.

4) WTH? Now Fertility Friend wants to tell me that Ovulation happened on CD19 - today is CD24. Fertility Friend is really annoying me. My subscription runs out in 23 days - I will not be renewing my subscription. It really hasn't helped me - it has only increased my frustration.

5) So yesterday, my husband tells me that he bought a book at the U-Bookstore. As if either of us need any more books! But it was sweet because he said he saw this book called Winkie and thought of me. On the cover was a teddy bear, which is the part of the book he thought of me with as I collect bears; however, the book is about a teddy bear that comes to life and the government thinks it is a terrorist. It seems like a rather silly book, but I'll read it eventually (as soon as I'm done with the Stephanie Plum books).

BBQs and more

Well, I'm home after my first day of jury duty. I haven't been called yet, so I spent most of the day sitting in the "assembly room" reading my book. I go back tomorrow morning - hopefully, something more exciting happens tomorrow. Though by being so slow, it did give me an opportunity to go to lunch with my husband and a couple friends at Agua Verde over by UW.

Anyway, yesterday's BBQs were fun. The first one was just a small group with 3 couples and 3 kids out in Renton (south of Seattle). We ate some good food, watched some tv, and then my husband and a friend played my friend's songs for us. One of her songs "Girl I Am Inside" kinda made me feel a bit weepy - I'm not sure why, it just does. It probably doesn't help that my emotions are already at their peak right now. You can listen to her music here.

After we left the first BBQ, we stopped by at home for a bit to feed our kitties, then went on to the next BBQ. This one was a little bit more people, but not too much more. We had a really good tri-tip steak (so yum) to eat. After eating, we watched some fireworks. They have such a great view of the Lake Union fireworks from their house in Ballard (neighborhood in Seattle).

A good time was had by us at both BBQs - though by the end, my husband was a bit tired. After all, we had gotten up early to go walking around Greenlake and gone to two parties! !

On another note, I woke up this morning with cramps and not like the cramps I have been having, but AF cramps. This is so not a good sign. They went away while I was lounging about in the jury room, but I'm so afraid that this is only the beginning and there is more on the way. I hope not. I really, really hope not.

Well, I told my husband I would go pick him up from work, so I better get going. Later tonight, I'm going to walk around a local high school track with a few friends. And next week (assuming I don't get on a jury), I'm starting to exercise during lunch with a work friend of mine (just two days a week in the beginning due to her schedule). I am trying to get some exercise! :-D

Just a quick post...

We're just about to go over to the first of the two BBQs we are going to today, so I thought until it was time to go, I would blog. I got up early this morning to go walking around Greenlake - and it was a nice walk though why does it always seem like the 4th of July around here has to be overcast? Hopefully, the clouds will burn off in a while. I should probably remember to bring my sunscreen should that happen so I don't get any more red than I am right now.

I woke up at 2 this morning and of course, the first thing I thought of "I wonder if the IUI worked this time". I'm not sure it did. I seem to remember a time that my breasts were so sore right before AF showed up and they don't do that anymore. Sure, they're a little sore right now, but nothing compared to before. I hope that doesn't mean anything, but this what I was thinking about until I fell back asleep. Yes, I think about this even at 2 in the morning.

Ooh, it looks like the sun is coming out...maybe. Well, I better finish getting ready. Have a happy 4th everyone!

Real Excitement Here Today

I just love being at work when it seems like everyone else has the day off (please note that I'm being sarcastic). The one good thing about coming into work on a day like today is that the traffic was wonderful. I can only hope that traffic on the way home will be just as good, but who knows. There is a Mariners game tonight and since I work on the "Eastside" and have to cross Lake Washington to get home, there is a possibility that traffic will not be good.

So the cramping that I had yesterday is continuing. It really doesn't feel all that great, but it isn't that bad that I couldn't come into work.

Also, my temp has finally went up to where I think it should be at this time in my cycle. The last couple days it was at 98.5. I didn't go get another thermometer because I really didn't feel like purchasing yet another one. It would be nice if I could figure out where the other one went to though.

Well, around one more week to go in this 2ww. By keeping busy this weekend, I had a lot of distractions. And tomorrow, we are going to two BBQs, so that will keep me distracted (though the first BBQ we are going to, there is an almost 5 month old baby there, so maybe it won't be that distracting after all).

My Husband's Blog

My husband said that I could link his blog to this one, so the link is on the sidebar. He doesn't really write too often, and he doesn't really write about infertility, but I'll still share his blog with all of you in case you'd like to check it out. Maybe he'll start writing more now. :-D

Answers & Other Stuff

To answer a couple questions...

I actually don't have a date for beta. My clinic, for some reason, doesn't automatically schedule you for a beta test unless you ask for it. I haven't asked for it...at least not yet. If this IUI worked, in theory, I should know something by next Monday or Tuesday. If AF hasn't shown up by Tuesday, I'll probably take a pregnancy test, then possibly schedule a time for testing at the clinic. The last 2 IUIs I did, I just waited - and I really didn't have to wait too long past CD28 as my temps dropped and AF showed up the next day. However, with my temps being all weird this cycle, maybe I'll go in for a beta test sooner. I don't know. Part of me is nervous to do that. One time, I went in for a pregnancy test (I can't remember where in this infertility rollercoaster I was at the time though) and even though I knew it was negative, the nurse called me and actually sounded HAPPY when she told me I wasn't pregnant. It just bugged the crap out of me, so maybe that's why I'm a little nervous about going in again. Or part of me is like why go in for a test any earlier than say CD30 for me when it might be just a waste of time. I don't really know how to explain my feelings on this, so don't mind my rambling!

Anywho, onto another question. I was asked how my friends found out about this blog - it seems that they all found it the same way the other friend did that I mentioned a few days ago. I had linked to an entry in my "It's All About Me" blog (that I knew that they read - well, at least, knew about) on this blog and that seems to be how they found me. So it is all my doing that they found me. Also, my friends are rather computer savvy, so it actually doesn't surprise me that they did find me.

Which leads me to my next comment. It will be a bit weird to know that my real-life friends are reading this. Like I said before, I had thought about sharing this blog with them anyway, but part of me is wondering if I'll be writing the same things that I did before. This blog has been a place for me to vent and to share and to obtain support from those who "get it", so I don't want that to change. And in all honesty, I don't think it will change.

I'll just finish this post with this - for my real-life friends reading this, I don't want you to think that you have to be ultrasensitive around me for fear of saying the wrong thing. I really hope that you don't feel that way. There was one friend who told me we should "just adopt", and we all know how irritating that phrase can be, but for the most part, I can't say that any of you have said the wrong thing to me.

My Weekend

For my friends that read this blog and the other one - I write some things here that I did in the other one - this one I did add some more stuff though.

This weekend was kind of a nice one. I woke up way too early on Saturday morning, so I went on a walk around Greenlake while my husband and a friend ran. Then later that day, I went to go see "The Devil Wears Prada" with Ally. The movie was alright. I haven't read the book, so I can't compare to the book. The movie was predictable in places, and there was one part that I was "yeah, right" and another that I thought it hysterical that a size 6 is deemed fat - however, it is a movie set in the fashion world. What do I expect? Anyway, it was alright.

After that, we went out to dinner with some others at Red Robin, then went back to a friend's house to play Apples to Apples.

Then again today, I couldn't sleep, so got up and went walking along the Burke-Gilman near Matthews Beach while my husband and a friend went off running. I woke up feeling kind of crampy, and the walk actually helped with that. It was really quite beautiful this morning and kinda peaceful. I think I might kinda like going this early (though I would also like to get a good night's sleep someday too). When we came back, I finished a book I was reading.

After that, I went off to Carkeek Park with a couple friends. We walked up this trail, and I learned just how out of shape I am. Of course, I kinda already knew that. After that, we went over to Magnuson and walked around quite a bit. By the time we got to the off-leash area at Magnuson for a friend's dog to run around in, I was starting to feel a bit crampy again. It started to get a lot worse by the time we started to walk back from the beach. I was hoping that the walk would help again, but not so much, so I just walked slowly. I really hope that these cramps aren't anything I should be worried about, but of course, I am. Also, I forgot to put suncreen on, so I got a little sunburn. :-( But after all that walking, we had a nice BBQ at a friend's and one of my friends brought over his 16 month old child, and he so cute and so big that a friend joked that they were giving him Miracle-Gro.

Well, that's my weekend. It was a nice weekend. However, I'm looking forward to only working possibly only one day this week. We have Tuesday off, as most people do, but then I have jury duty at least on Wednesday and Thursday, though I suppose it could last longer if I got onto a jury (which I hope I do).

Couldn't Sleep

I couldn't fall back asleep after I got up at 6:30 to go to the restroom. My temp is at 98.0 today. Seriously, something is going on - either my temps are really that weird this cycle or my thermometer is broken. I think I may go get another one (since I have no idea where my 2nd one is) and see if it is the thermometer.

Anyway, since I couldn't fall back asleep, I'm going to go walking around Greenlake at 8 while my husband and a friend go running in preparation for the half-marathon that they're doing in September. I wasn't planning to go - because I could really use a sleep-in-day since I haven't had that in a while - but since I can't sleep, I might as well go and do something good for my body.