Breakdown
I'm having a breakdown. There's just nothing like looking at your finances to make you feel like crap and make you rethink all the decisions that you've made throughout life. What the hell am I thinking that I will ever be able to do IVF? Unless I suddenly get a rich friend who is willing to let me borrow quite a bit of money or I somehow win the lottery, IVF seems completely out of reach. I blame my decision to go to law school - if I didn't have that debt, I would probably have a much nicer house and I would be able to afford IVF.
I was having such a good night too. My husband and I ate some dinner and watched Garden State. It was a good night until I started to clean up a bit and came across the paperwork for one of my school loans - it's just so depressing.
Today, I was talking to one of the temps in my office (not the temp I can't stand, but the other one) - I learned that him and his wife went through fertility treatments and nothing worked. They tried a lot, including donor egg. They are now in the process of adopting a child from China. It sometimes is amazing the number of people I come across who have had difficulty conceiving. Either there are more of us or people talk about it more. I know I talk about it with people I probably shouldn't have - maybe I just want people to know what I'm going through and how much it sucks. I don't know why I share this information with people I barely know.
Anyway, that's all for now. I'm just pissed off with the decisions that I've made (well, really, just the decision to go to law school) and I'm pissed off that so many women get pregnant "for free" while I have to fork over any savings that I have in order to get that child. It seriously just pisses me off and depresses me. What have I done in my (almost) 33 years to deserve this?
At the end of Garden State, there's a song called "Let Go" and one of the lines in the song is "There's beauty in the breakdown". I'm not so sure that's true, but I suppose it can be healthy to have a good cry every once in a while, right? Though maybe not everyday.
I was having such a good night too. My husband and I ate some dinner and watched Garden State. It was a good night until I started to clean up a bit and came across the paperwork for one of my school loans - it's just so depressing.
Today, I was talking to one of the temps in my office (not the temp I can't stand, but the other one) - I learned that him and his wife went through fertility treatments and nothing worked. They tried a lot, including donor egg. They are now in the process of adopting a child from China. It sometimes is amazing the number of people I come across who have had difficulty conceiving. Either there are more of us or people talk about it more. I know I talk about it with people I probably shouldn't have - maybe I just want people to know what I'm going through and how much it sucks. I don't know why I share this information with people I barely know.
Anyway, that's all for now. I'm just pissed off with the decisions that I've made (well, really, just the decision to go to law school) and I'm pissed off that so many women get pregnant "for free" while I have to fork over any savings that I have in order to get that child. It seriously just pisses me off and depresses me. What have I done in my (almost) 33 years to deserve this?
At the end of Garden State, there's a song called "Let Go" and one of the lines in the song is "There's beauty in the breakdown". I'm not so sure that's true, but I suppose it can be healthy to have a good cry every once in a while, right? Though maybe not everyday.
Labels: General Infertility
posted by seattlegal @ 9:48 PM
8 Comments:
At 7:12 AM ,
Debbi said...
Hi heather: I'm also always amazed at the number of people i know and run across that have had such difficulty ttc. I wish our culture were more open to it. it would make our lives so much easier. Keep yer head up.
At 4:14 PM ,
Fertile Soul said...
I blame law school for our paralyzing debt as well. I could have been a math teacher and been a better financial situation by now. Law school debt coupled with so many crappy career paths in the law (nothing your told of when you go to law school) has put a crimp in the past decade.
Still, so many people, lawyers in our office, have yet to buy their first house. It's apparently a common situation.
But, eventually the debt gets paid and we're all just a decade behind everyone else financially and family-wise. Why didnt they ever say that in law school?
You think it takes a smartee to go to law school. I feel more like a dumb ass.
But i'm not so bitter about it anymore. Eventually, the sting wears off and life goes on.
And, i believe ivf will be in eventually be within your reach.
At 7:12 AM ,
Anonymous said...
You haven't done anything to deserve this. I don't know if we'll be able to afford IVF either. Or adopt, for that matter, unless my parents help out. We have a nest egg but are paranoid about covering our asses for retirement, plus we live in an older house that needs a lot of upkeep (= $$$). But being cautious with money and living in a neat old house in the city -- that's who we are. I'm extremely resentful that infertility has brought us to the point where we have to even consider so many changes in lifestyle and identity, as well as financial risks... at this time, I can no longer say "We'll do whatever it takes to become parents."
At 3:11 PM ,
Meg said...
Heather - I know how you feel. It's so unfair and so terrible that we have to sacrifice so much for this. I can't imagine we will ever be able to buy our own house, fir example, and that is something i always wanted. The debt just keeps going up and up, and with no guarantees, it's hard not to just despair.
I'm with you on telling people. Sometimes I wish I could keep my big mouth shut, but I also want everyone to know how much it bites.
At 9:31 PM ,
Donna said...
Its unfortunate but a crappy truth that money does play a part in this infertility crap. Given our advanced ages when we started and our lack of savings, we knew going in that we could never pursue IVF, and adoption is not something we want to pursue, so we were limited by both time and money. This is not your fault! Only the two of you know what you can handle, emotionally and financially, and it might take longer than you expected. I think there are many, many of us out there who suffer in silence. Even if you don't stumble into another person who's been through what you have, it never hurts to spread some knowledge to the general public. Hang in there.
At 6:44 AM ,
beagle said...
It is just really unfair, but DON'T tell yourself you seserve this in any way. No one does. I often ask that too . . . what did I do to deserve this. The answer is nothing. But it all just feels so unfair and shitty.
Hang in there. It's so hard to know what to do. We can't afford this either, and $40,000+ in the hole, and no baby I question this choice every day. I guess if I had gotten pg I would still worry abuot the money, but I'd feel like I spent it all for a REASON.
I hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do. Try not to second guess yourself.
At 2:41 PM ,
Alli and Frankie said...
Three cheers for the breakdown! I am a firm believer in a good cry.
You're right - there ARE a lot of people who have trouble ttc. It's amazing when people start talking about it.
At 5:09 PM ,
GLouise said...
Yes- looking at bills, etc. depresses me, too.
Ugg!
Infertility costs big bucks, which most of us haven't budgeted for.
I keep telling myself: "this is an investment in our family!" :-)
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