Update

My MIL was released from the hospital last night. Apparently, her heart looks o.k. (at least this is what by BIL told me), but she really needs to make sure to take her seizure medication so as to avoid any future seizures. When she got home, there were some weird conversations - I don't think I'll mention them here, but they were weird.

And with me, I was doing somewhat o.k. the last half of the day with the failed IUI until it seemed everyone was so super excited about the kids. Of course, this is what people do, but it just hurts because I want people to be super excited about my children too. I feel like such a failure sometimes because I can't do what others so easily can. I know exactly what the Dixie Chicks were feeling when they wrote the line in their song, "So Hard", about feeling guilty for not being able to give that gift. As we all have mentioned at one point or another, infertilty sucks!!!

Trying Hard Not to be Depressed

My MIL is doing better, though they are still not sure what's wrong with her. They are doing more tests on her heart today. So after work, my husband and I will go back down to Tacoma.

On the infertility front, I think I'm putting on a brave face for everyone. I've done mostly well about keeping my emotions about the IUI on the backburner while we figure out what's going on with my MIL. I feel like crying about this latest failure, but I feel like people will look at me as if I'm being the most selfish person in the world for thinking of myself when my MIL is in the hospital. Of course, I care about my MIL and want her to get better, but this failure just sucks! My husband says I'm not selfish for feeling sad about this failure - he's sad too, he tells me.

I've made a couple appointments this morning with my current RE and with another RE for another opinion. The appointment with my current RE is on the 19th, but the other RE, the soonest I could get in was on August 9th - after my next cycle should start. That didn't quite work out the way I wanted it too.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Third Time is Not the Charm...At Least With Us

So shortly after posting my last blog entry, AF showed up so IUI #3 is officially a failure. 26 day cycle. That doesn't seem like a good thing.

My husband and I were discussing what we want to do next. We're thinking of trying one more IUI, then moving onto IVF. Part of me wonders if that is the right thing to do - I wonder if we should just go ahead and move onto IVF. I just don't know if I'm ready to do so yet emotionally (and definitely not financially). We were also discussing whether to continue on with my current RE or move to another RE - will that make the difference between success and failure? I hate that there are so many decisions to make and that decision could make such a huge difference or no difference at all. It angers me that I even have to make these decisions when other women can get pregnant just by having sex. It kinda makes me laugh the money and time we spent on getting different forms of birth control.

I had one big emotional breakdown this morning when my husband came to me while I was typing the last post, and I just couldn't hold it in. Although my mother-in-law is in the hospital, I had a moment of selfishness and thought of my own failure in getting pregnant. I couldn't help it. It's something that I think about all the time, and I feel horrible for thinking of myself when my MIL is in the ICU. BTW, we still don't know what's wrong with her. The nurse that was in when we got to the hospital earlier today was bitchy and didn't seem to want to release any information to us, and we didn't know where the doctor was. We ended up talking to my mother-in-law. The breathing tube was taken out earlier in the day. She was really tired and felt horrible (as to be expected), and she really wanted us to go and clean up her house since my brother-in-law & his family (who live in San Diego) are coming into town and will be staying at her house. So that's what we spent most of the day doing. Well, I helped out when I could, but my cramps felt horrible so I laid down quite a bit.

Anyway, that's it for now. As for IUI #4, I'm thinking of taking one cycle off before starting again. I need the physical, emotional, and financial break from fertility treatments. Part of me thinks we should just jump back into it, but if we did, we would have to start on Monday on CD3 and since I'm not sure if I'll be able to see my RE then, I don't want to feel rushed into a decision on what protocol to do, so we'll probably wait. Plus, I kinda want to see the other RE and see what she thinks we should do. Maybe they will both think another IUI is a big waste of our time and money, but we'll see.

:-(

I'm almost certain that the IUI failed. AF hasn't shown up yet, but it is only a matter of time. My temp dropped to 97.7 and I continue to have AF-like cramps. I am so miserable right now. Not only do I have this to deal with, but my mother-in-law is in the hospital in the ICU. She had some bad seizures and they are now looking to see if she had a heart attack. It was so hard to see her last night in the hospital with a breathing tube down her throat and well, just the state she was in when we saw her. We left our house last night around 8 to drive to Tacoma (south of Seattle), where my husband's parents live, and we didn't get home until close to 4 a.m. And as usual, I can't sleep.

Please send some positive vibes to my mother-in-law if you can.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My temp went back down to 98.0. Along with the cramps I've been having, this is really not a good sign. Fertility Friend is now going back to its earlier decision of CD12 being the day of ovulation. If it's right, that means AF should arrive tomorrow. Needless to say, I'm starting to feel a bit depressed this morning. And please, please don't tell me that my negative attitude caused the IUI to fail (and I know most of you wouldn't say this). It is not this that has caused this to happen - it's my stupid, f***ing, broken-down body. I'm holding out a sliver of hope, but that sliver is almost nonexistent at this point.

So I come into work already feeling down because of what I said above, and on my desk is a book "What to expect when you're expecting". WTH?!?!? Are you kidding me? Who the hell would put this on my desk at this point in my life? Am I overreacting because I'm having a bad morning? I'm sure whoever put this here (and I'm not certain who did) had the best of intentions and had a more positive attitude about this IUI than I do, but you do not give stuff like this to someone who is going through infertility and who doesn't know yet if her IUI or IVF worked. I just don't even know what to do. Should I keep the book in the off chance I should ever need it? Or do I thank the person for thinking of me(if I figure out who it is), but that I can't keep this book because I have no need for it at this time and I may never need it?

Only 7 more hours of work left.

Multiple Things

I had a few things I wanted to blog about:

1) No more jury duty for me. They only had 1 case in the 2 days I was there, and I wasn't called for the panel for that one, so I didn't get to be on a jury. I'm a little bummed. I, at least, wanted to go through voir dire! Anyway, they let us go at 11 today, so I called up a friend who was going to meet me downtown for lunch and told her I would just come pick her up and we could go somewhere. We went out to P.F. Chang's at Alderwood Mall, and I had the lettuce wraps and the crispy honey chicken - so yum! Aftewards, we went to Michael's and I spent too much money on beads. But, I made another bracelet this afternoon while at my friend's house. I used to hate wearing bracelets, but I don't seem to mind them now. I was going to post pictures of the bracelets I made, but the batteries in my camera said that they wanted charging. Whatever! So maybe later.

2) I was also going to share the socks that I bought for the times I went to the doctor for the "dil*do cam", so my feet wouldn't be cold. I got this idea from some other bloggers, so I thought I would go out and buy some socks to wear. Both pair that I got have kitties on them. :-D

3) The, what I think are, AF cramps continued on and off today. I've actually been o.k. (emotionally) most of the day because I had some distractions today, but now that I came back home, it's a different story. I feel like I'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown at any moment. I have to confess that on the way home from my friend's house, I did breakdown. I'm better now though. The friend that I was visiting with this afternoon told me the other day that if I ever needed to talk, whenever that time may be, I could call her. It was really sweet of her to say that. It is hard for me though to show my emotions in front of people - sometimes, even my husband - I just wanted her to know that (if she's reading this). However, maybe I'll be able to show them next week if I find out this IUI didn't work, which is feeling more and more likely that it didn't. UGH! I hate having a negative attitude, but the temp wackiness, the horrible cramps before and the AF-like cramps now, aren't letting hope in right now.

4) WTH? Now Fertility Friend wants to tell me that Ovulation happened on CD19 - today is CD24. Fertility Friend is really annoying me. My subscription runs out in 23 days - I will not be renewing my subscription. It really hasn't helped me - it has only increased my frustration.

5) So yesterday, my husband tells me that he bought a book at the U-Bookstore. As if either of us need any more books! But it was sweet because he said he saw this book called Winkie and thought of me. On the cover was a teddy bear, which is the part of the book he thought of me with as I collect bears; however, the book is about a teddy bear that comes to life and the government thinks it is a terrorist. It seems like a rather silly book, but I'll read it eventually (as soon as I'm done with the Stephanie Plum books).

BBQs and more

Well, I'm home after my first day of jury duty. I haven't been called yet, so I spent most of the day sitting in the "assembly room" reading my book. I go back tomorrow morning - hopefully, something more exciting happens tomorrow. Though by being so slow, it did give me an opportunity to go to lunch with my husband and a couple friends at Agua Verde over by UW.

Anyway, yesterday's BBQs were fun. The first one was just a small group with 3 couples and 3 kids out in Renton (south of Seattle). We ate some good food, watched some tv, and then my husband and a friend played my friend's songs for us. One of her songs "Girl I Am Inside" kinda made me feel a bit weepy - I'm not sure why, it just does. It probably doesn't help that my emotions are already at their peak right now. You can listen to her music here.

After we left the first BBQ, we stopped by at home for a bit to feed our kitties, then went on to the next BBQ. This one was a little bit more people, but not too much more. We had a really good tri-tip steak (so yum) to eat. After eating, we watched some fireworks. They have such a great view of the Lake Union fireworks from their house in Ballard (neighborhood in Seattle).

A good time was had by us at both BBQs - though by the end, my husband was a bit tired. After all, we had gotten up early to go walking around Greenlake and gone to two parties! !

On another note, I woke up this morning with cramps and not like the cramps I have been having, but AF cramps. This is so not a good sign. They went away while I was lounging about in the jury room, but I'm so afraid that this is only the beginning and there is more on the way. I hope not. I really, really hope not.

Well, I told my husband I would go pick him up from work, so I better get going. Later tonight, I'm going to walk around a local high school track with a few friends. And next week (assuming I don't get on a jury), I'm starting to exercise during lunch with a work friend of mine (just two days a week in the beginning due to her schedule). I am trying to get some exercise! :-D

Just a quick post...

We're just about to go over to the first of the two BBQs we are going to today, so I thought until it was time to go, I would blog. I got up early this morning to go walking around Greenlake - and it was a nice walk though why does it always seem like the 4th of July around here has to be overcast? Hopefully, the clouds will burn off in a while. I should probably remember to bring my sunscreen should that happen so I don't get any more red than I am right now.

I woke up at 2 this morning and of course, the first thing I thought of "I wonder if the IUI worked this time". I'm not sure it did. I seem to remember a time that my breasts were so sore right before AF showed up and they don't do that anymore. Sure, they're a little sore right now, but nothing compared to before. I hope that doesn't mean anything, but this what I was thinking about until I fell back asleep. Yes, I think about this even at 2 in the morning.

Ooh, it looks like the sun is coming out...maybe. Well, I better finish getting ready. Have a happy 4th everyone!

Real Excitement Here Today

I just love being at work when it seems like everyone else has the day off (please note that I'm being sarcastic). The one good thing about coming into work on a day like today is that the traffic was wonderful. I can only hope that traffic on the way home will be just as good, but who knows. There is a Mariners game tonight and since I work on the "Eastside" and have to cross Lake Washington to get home, there is a possibility that traffic will not be good.

So the cramping that I had yesterday is continuing. It really doesn't feel all that great, but it isn't that bad that I couldn't come into work.

Also, my temp has finally went up to where I think it should be at this time in my cycle. The last couple days it was at 98.5. I didn't go get another thermometer because I really didn't feel like purchasing yet another one. It would be nice if I could figure out where the other one went to though.

Well, around one more week to go in this 2ww. By keeping busy this weekend, I had a lot of distractions. And tomorrow, we are going to two BBQs, so that will keep me distracted (though the first BBQ we are going to, there is an almost 5 month old baby there, so maybe it won't be that distracting after all).

Answers & Other Stuff

To answer a couple questions...

I actually don't have a date for beta. My clinic, for some reason, doesn't automatically schedule you for a beta test unless you ask for it. I haven't asked for it...at least not yet. If this IUI worked, in theory, I should know something by next Monday or Tuesday. If AF hasn't shown up by Tuesday, I'll probably take a pregnancy test, then possibly schedule a time for testing at the clinic. The last 2 IUIs I did, I just waited - and I really didn't have to wait too long past CD28 as my temps dropped and AF showed up the next day. However, with my temps being all weird this cycle, maybe I'll go in for a beta test sooner. I don't know. Part of me is nervous to do that. One time, I went in for a pregnancy test (I can't remember where in this infertility rollercoaster I was at the time though) and even though I knew it was negative, the nurse called me and actually sounded HAPPY when she told me I wasn't pregnant. It just bugged the crap out of me, so maybe that's why I'm a little nervous about going in again. Or part of me is like why go in for a test any earlier than say CD30 for me when it might be just a waste of time. I don't really know how to explain my feelings on this, so don't mind my rambling!

Anywho, onto another question. I was asked how my friends found out about this blog - it seems that they all found it the same way the other friend did that I mentioned a few days ago. I had linked to an entry in my "It's All About Me" blog (that I knew that they read - well, at least, knew about) on this blog and that seems to be how they found me. So it is all my doing that they found me. Also, my friends are rather computer savvy, so it actually doesn't surprise me that they did find me.

Which leads me to my next comment. It will be a bit weird to know that my real-life friends are reading this. Like I said before, I had thought about sharing this blog with them anyway, but part of me is wondering if I'll be writing the same things that I did before. This blog has been a place for me to vent and to share and to obtain support from those who "get it", so I don't want that to change. And in all honesty, I don't think it will change.

I'll just finish this post with this - for my real-life friends reading this, I don't want you to think that you have to be ultrasensitive around me for fear of saying the wrong thing. I really hope that you don't feel that way. There was one friend who told me we should "just adopt", and we all know how irritating that phrase can be, but for the most part, I can't say that any of you have said the wrong thing to me.

Another thought

I was just thinking this morning - I can't believe it has been 4 1/2 years since we first started trying to have kids. I went off birth control back in December of 2001, and even though I had a feeling that it might be hard for me to get pregnant, I seriously didn't think it would be this freaking hard and most of all, I didn't think it would take this long.

My support group was talking the other night on how infertility changes us. We are not the same people we once were. We are more angry. We are more irritated by people. It is sometimes amazing that my husband still wants to have a child with me considering how I've been lately. It is sometimes amazing that I still have friends who care and who will listen since I seem to talk about this a lot - after all, infertility seems to be running my life. I don't want it to, but it is.

Anyway, I should probably stop this post before I get too emotional. I guess this is just what I do during the 2ww.

Oh, but one more thing. On my other blog, the one my "real-life" friends read, I was looking at my stats and how people found my blog and one person typed into google "I hate blogs about infertility" and somewhere in the search results (previously, I said list) is my blog. It makes me wonder why people hate infertility blogs so much, and also why they would go through a search and then go to those blogs that they hate.

Emotions

This is only the 2nd day in my work week, and I feel like I've been working for 5 days. I need a vacation so badly.

Last night, I went to my support group and we were meeting in Auburn. It didn't take me as long to get there as I thought, and the house was easy to find. It was the coming back home that was a pain. I got lost and went down the wrong way at least 3 times. The name of the road, as far as I could tell, was different from where I had turned before. It kinda bugs me when they do that! Over here, it is (this is just an example) A Street and just a few feet down the other direction, it is B Street. Anywho, since I don't deal well with getting lost, I'm fearful that my stress caused problems with this IUI working. It may not be true, but that's how I feel.

And my temperature is not alleviating any fears. It is still on the lowish side, so I'm not quite sure what to make of that. It went up, but barely. And I don't know which temps are high because the house was way too freaking hot, and therefore, so was I. THANK GOD the Clomid is out of my system and I'm not having night sweats on top of the way too hot temperature outside. Also, thankfully, the temps seem to have gone down some so it actually feels somewhat comfortable outside and inside our house.

Anyway, I'm scared that this cycle won't work. And I'm hopeful that it will. What a strange feeling it will be if it does work! Something that I've been wanting for so long is finally a reality. It will be such a strange concept - me - pregnant? Me - a mother? I've been on this infertility rollercoaster for so long that sometimes it doesn't feel like I'll ever get off. It seems like such a huge part of me that it will be an odd transition - but, of course, a welcome one!

I'm not sure it will feel real in the beginning. I don't think it will feel real until I have the first ultrasound, and even then, I'm not sure it will feel really real until I have the baby in my arms. I want so much for this cycle to work - mainly because I hate this emotional rollercoaster. I want to get off now. I want to get off this infertility rollercoaster and move onto the motherhood one. I imagine myself getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth to our baby, and holding our baby for the first time as my husband looks on with such joy in his eyes. I'm ready to make this a reality, but it will certainly be strange once it is.

On a different note, I'm seriously considering on letting one of my friends know about this blog, if not all. I'm not sure how they will respond. I'm going to walk around Greenlake with a friend tonight and I might mention it to her. I feel like I'm hiding part of myself by not sharing this blog with others. I do share some info with them on my other blog they know about. Some info I don't share until after I know the results of a cycle.

Do you any of you share your blog with your, for lack of a better word, "real-life" friends? Did you share it after you've had it for a while? If so, how did they respond?

Just blogging about nothing in particular

I really don't have much to blog about today. I'm at work, and surprisingly, things aren't as bad as I thought they would be, so I do have time to take a lunch break and read up on some blogs (and write a post of my own).

It is only CD15 - 1 DPIUI - and I'm wondering if any pains I felt throughout the night or into today mean anything. I can't believe I still have 13 days left. How did I make it through this last time?

Last night, while sitting in my way too hot bedroom, I made a bracelet with some beads that I had bought a while back. It's something to keep my mind occupied. However, I didn't wear it today; instead I'm wearing my bracelet I made at my support group. I'll probably continue wearing it for the next couple weeks or so - just so I can be continually reminded that I am not alone in all this.

Speaking of, one thing that I did want to mention is that I am so happy that blogs exist. It is amazing how many infertility blogs are out there, and new ones pop up all the time. I know I've said it before, but I just need to say it again - I appreciate hearing from each of you and reading about your stories and rooting for you to finally get off this emotional rollercoaster. It means so much that I have all this support and I am able to give support back to those who need it. I wish the best of luck to each of you.

Now we wait

We are now starting the 2ww. The IUI went well. The doctor who did the IUI wasn't my normal RE, but that's o.k. I like this guy too. Thankfully, my husband was with me this time unlike the last 2 times. The last 2 times he had to work, but since he's on vacation now, he was able to be there during the actual insemination.

Right now, I'm cramping a little, but not as much as last time. God, I really, really hope that this is it. I got some sad news today from a friend of mine (met her in my support group) - she found out that her IVF failed. That just makes me so sad. She is now looking into donor eggs. It seems that most of the women in my group are onto the donor egg path, and I'm the only one who isn't. Three of the women in my group are now in the middle of their donor egg cycles. I really hope that donor eggs works for them - all of them would be wonderful mothers. It pains me when they get negative results.

On another note, the weather in Seattle is so freaking hot. I used to live in Texas where it was really freaking hot, but since I've been in WA for 19 years now, I guess I've gotten used to the weather around here and 88 degrees is too freaking hot - especially when stuck inside the house. I feel so bad for my furbabies (my 2 kitties). My husband and I went to Richmond Beach on Saturday (which is in the City of Shoreline - just outside of Seattle), so that was nice and yesterday, we went to the Ice Caves up north in an attempt to cool off. However, it was not that much cooler up there even with the snow than it was back home. And there weren't that many caves either. :-(

Well, anyway, I think I'll go hang out underneath my ceiling fan for a while. I hope everyone is doing well. I might not have much time to check blogs this week, but we'll see. Hopefully, work won't be that busy, but I have to do a lot of things before I go on jury duty next week. Jury duty is only 2 days unless you get onto a jury, and I'm not sure I will since I have a law degree. But we'll see, and I want to be prepared at work in case I am gone longer than the 2 days.

O.K. I really gotta go now. I feel as if I'm melting up here in our office!

Oh, and before I forget - thank you so much for your good luck wishes. THANK YOU!

IUI #3

IUI #3 will be tomorrow morning. The biggest of the follicles grew to 23, so my doctor gave me the trigger shot and we'll go in tomorrow morning for the IUI. Wish me luck!

9 and 5

I went to my RE's office for an ultrasound this morning and the news is good!!! I have 5 follicles on my right side and 9 follicles (!!!) on my left. The largest one on the left is 19.5 right now, so we are moving ahead with IUI #3 - I really hope that 3rd times the charm! Right now, we are going to go in for another ultrasound tomorrow just to make sure the follicles on the left are growing as they should, and if they are, we will do the IUI on Monday or Tuesday. We'll know for sure which day tomorrow.

I am just so happy that there are 9 follicles on the left. Yay! It is kinda funny that I felt the follicles more on the right side than on the left, and the left is the one that had more of them and they were also bigger on the left side.

Well, my husband and I are off to go have a picnic at one of the nearby beaches in the city. The weather in Seattle is just beautiful, so we have to take advantage of it! I'll share more news tomorrow. I hope everyone is doing well.

I'm definitely feeling it

Like hopeful mother, the left side hurt less than the right side. It still stung a bit, but not nearly as bad as the shot on the right side. The shots are being done IM (which I was surprised about because I thought they would be done SC).

So this morning, I'm walking over to our accounting department, then down to the deli to get some water and my right side really hurts! I feel like there are many, many follicles on that side, but nothing on the left. I'll find out for sure tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. But I don't think I'm going to do much walking today.

Alright, just a few more hours of work, then it's time for the weekend!

OUCH!

That shot last night stung so badly! OUCH!!!!

Last night (before the shot), I met up with a couple friends to walk around Greenlake. I'm not sure if that was a good idea. About halfway into it, I started to feel some sensitivity on my right side - nothing on my left though. It just got worse and worse that it was starting to feel painful, and I really didn't want to continue walking toward the end. It would seem the drugs are working on the right side at least.

I told vanpool girl that we are in the midst of another cycle. She does seem to care when I talk about it with her, but she forgets that hearing about her pregnancy is not a fun experience for me.

I really, really don't want to be at work today. My husband has taken the rest of this week off and the three days at the beginning of next week, so I want to go home and hang out with him. Then, the weather in Seattle is beautiful, so I really don't want to be inside. Plus, I'm tired. I'm still waking up because of night sweats.

Well, even though I don't want to be at work, I suppose I should do some of it.

That Repronex Stings!

Last night was the first shot of the Repronex - it stung as it went in, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Still I would rather not have to do this. I have 2 more days of Repronex and if everything looks good, then there will be one more shot - the trigger shot. I'm really anxious for the ultrasound on Saturday.

Last night, I wasn't feeling very hopeful that all this will work. I was just certain that it wouldn't. In fact, I was freaking out that it wouldn't work. Thank goodness for my support group. Today, I'm about the same - I have some hope, but not much. My right side feels sensitive, so it feels like I'm about to ovulate on that side. I don't feel anything on my left side. And that makes me nervous - I don't want to have spent all this money and have nothing happen on the left. Maybe I just don't feel it on that side, but there really is something going on with the left side - I really hope so.

One More Day of Clomid, One Day Closer to Repronex

To answer Alli's question from my last post, I start the Repronex tomorrow and continue that for 3 days. Then I have the ultrasound on Saturday to see if the Clomid and the Repronex worked - particularly on the left side. All I could think of this morning if that if this doesn't work, I know we should move onto IVF and I'm honestly scared to. I don't have the money right now to do that and I know that when I do, I'll probably have enough for just one shot and if that doesn't work...

On a slightly different note, I'm afraid that my hearing is going to become nonexistent because of how high the volume is on my iPod. This morning, before I could get my iPod out and the wires untangled, I heard the following exchange...

Pregnant girl to another vanpool person who hasn't been in the van in a while: "You haven't been in the van a while. Why?"

Other vanpool person: "I haven't been sleeping well. My sleep apnea and the other medical issue have been bothering me, so I've been coming into work later."

Pregnant girl: "I never knew how hard it was to work until I wasn't getting enough sleep. I just can't get comfortable with this pregnancy."

Other vanpool person: "Poor baby."

Me (in my head while this is going on): UGH!!! Stupid wires - get untangled already. Aah, there. Poor baby! What about me? I'm waking up about every hour or so because I'm either burning up so I need to take all the covers off of me or I'm freezing because I took all the covers off of me when I was burning up. I haven't got a good night's sleep in several days now.

Me - right now: I know that being pregnant can sometimes, or a lot of the times, be uncomfortable, but at this point in my life, I can't have sympathy. Maybe I will when I'm pregnant, but right now,I have no sympathy when I have to go through all of this crap to get pregnant in the first place.

Maybe I should take Sunnie up on her offer*! ;-D

* Please note that I'm kidding and I do not wish harm on anyone.