Misc. Thoughts & Child-Free Question

Have I mentioned how infertility sucks? Monday night, when thinking about the fact that we had to seek medical help to get pregnant, I seriously just got so angry. I just wanted to throw things and break things. I f***ing hate all of this. I don't want to seek medical help, but I want a baby, so there's nothing I can do about it. I have crappy fallopian tubes and I don't seem to want to ovulate on time. UGH!

You know another thing that's crappy - all of this infertility is my fault. There is nothing wrong with my husband. It's all me. Do you know how much guilt I feel about this? How much I hate my body for being so broken?

Then last night at support group, I just couldn't stop myself from crying. I am ready to move onto IVF, but I am freaking out about it. Am I making the right decision to move onto IVF? Will shared risk be the right thing for us? When should we start with IVF? How long can I wait to start IVF? GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

All of this leads me to my next question that I've thought about from time to time as we've been struggling with infertility. Should we consider being child-free? Is that even an option for us? Most of the time, I say no, but sometimes, in those rare moments, I think maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom - maybe I won't be a good mom so perhaps we should consider child-free living.

After all, it would be better financially, physically and emotionally (just thinking of the negatives if there are to be any) to not have to go through IVF. I wish there was a shut off switch for my desire to have children. What exactly is fueling my desire to have children? Do I want children because I truly want to parent a child? Do I want it because that is what society tells you are supposed to do after you get married? Is there some other reason?

I honestly feel that the reason is because I truly want to parent a child. I want to be a mother. I want my husband to be a father. I don't think I could really consider child-free living unless I had no other choice, but I do think about it from time to time and I immediately dismiss that thought. I just can't imagine it.

On a different topic, yesterday, I drove into work because of the doctor's appointment and I ran into vanpool girl on my way out and she offered to ride home with me so I could use the carpool lane. I had looked at traffic online before I left and it sucked, and I knew if I didn't have someone with me, I wouldn't get home in time to feed my kitties and myself before going onto my support group meeting, so I accepted her offer. Luckily, we had a really good conversation about my issues with infertility and her pregnancy. She expressed how she never imagined it would happen to her so quickly, so she feels blessed because of that. And I am truly happy for her, but I just didn't think she would become pregnant before I did. After all, I started so much earlier than she did.

Anyway, this post is getting a little too long too so I'll end this one now. I hope everyone is doing well.