100 Things About Me

I finally finished my 100 Things About Me list. I've been working on it for several months now.

1. I am 32 years old.
2. My birthday is September 13.
3. When my birthday falls on a Friday, it has been good and it has been bad.
4. I can be a little superstitious.
5. My current favorite band is Dave Matthews Band.
6. I met my husband in September of 1993.
7. I started dating my husband in February of 1996.
8. I married my husband on August 29, 1998.
9. I graduated from the University of Washington in June 1996.
10. I received a Bachelors degree in Political Science and in Psychology.
11. I was born in Spokane, WA.
12. I have lived in Alaska, Florida, Texas and Washington state (my dad was in the air force, so we moved around a lot).
13. I graduated from high school at West Valley H.S. in Spokane (now Spokane Valley), WA in June 1991.
14. We moved to Spokane, WA from Azle, TX the summer before my freshman year of high school.
15. I was mad at my parents for a while because I had finally settled into a place (we had been in Azle for 4 years), and they wanted to move back "home".
16. I received an A.A. degree from Spokane Falls Community College before transferring to UW.
17. I work at a major company headquartered in Washington state.
18. I graduated from law school from Seattle University in May 2000.
19. I found out I passed the bar the day after my husband’s 30th birthday party.
20. Needless to say, I was incredibly anxious during the party knowing that the results would come in the mail the next day.
21. I used to work at a bank as a bank teller.
22. I have also worked at the Attorney General’s office.
23. I love chicken parmesan from Stella’s (a restaurant that is no longer in existence).
24. I am liberal.
25. I have two cats – Oliver and Sophie.
26. I have one sister, who is 30, and two brothers - one is 17 and the other is 20.
27. My parents are still married after 34 years.
26. I went off birth control pills in the hope of getting pregnant in December 2001.
28. It amazes me that it has been that long.
29. It scares me that it may never happen.
30. But I still manage to have some hope occasionally.
31. I used to weigh 30 pounds lighter in college than I do now.
32. I really should exercise.
33. I’m (almost) 5’4”.
34. My husband’s birthday is exactly 1 month after mine on October 13.
35. He is exactly 2 years and 11 months older than I am.
36. My last vacation to a place outside of Washington state was to Chicago and Wisconsin in April 2006.
37. My husband’s brother lives in San Diego with his wife and 2 kids.
38. I have 3 nieces and 3 nephews.
39. 4 of the kids are my sisters and the other 2 are my brother-in-law’s.
40. Their ages are 10, 8, 5 and 4 (my sister’s kids) and 4 (I think) and 10 months (my brother-in-law’s kids).
41. I currently live in Shoreline, WA (3 blocks from being in the city of Seattle).
42. I had a kidney stone when I was 19.
43. I had to have a lithotrypsy to remove it.
44. I felt like I was dying when I had that kidney stone.
45. I saw Bill Clinton give a speech at Riverfront Park in Spokane when he was campaigning to be President in 1992.
46. I was very close to actually meeting him.
47. I have also seen Al Gore up close when he came to a nearby Costco for a book signing with his wife.
48. I miss living in Texas when I could go to (a good) Six Flags whenever.
49. The Six Flags here in WA is not nearly as big or fun as the one in Arlington, TX.
50. We went to NY for my brother-in-law's wedding 2 weeks before our own wedding in Seattle.
51. I am a very shy person, so starting high school in a new place – not fun for me.
52. The two times I’ve been to Hawaii were for friends’ weddings.
53. Both friends were bridesmaids in my wedding.
54. One time was on Maui and the other time was on Oahu.
55. I’m hoping the next time I go to Hawaii is for something other than a wedding.
56. My current favorite tv drama is Lost.
57. My current favorite comedy is My Name is Earl or Scrubs (despite the incredibly annoying fertility episode a while back).
58. I like to read, but I can’t seem to find the time lately.
59. My title at work is Research Analyst.
60. I like teddy bears so Build-A-Bear is a good,but dangerous, place for me!
61. I drive a 2004 Honda Civic.
62. After all the time we lived in Texas, we never went to Mexico.
63. Most of my friends I have now I met in college or through my husband.
64. I've made some wonderful friends through a Resolve support group I am in since December 2005.
65. I thought about going to Syracuse or University of Oregon for law school, but couldn't leave Seattle.
66. I went to Washington, D.C. my senior year of high school with other classmates.
67. I believe in God though sometimes while going through infertility I start to doubt.
68. I don't go to church though - sometimes I think I should.
69. I've met some friends through Intervarsity Fellowship - a Christian organization - while at UW.
70. My favorite musicals that I've seen are The Phantom of the Opera or Beauty and the Beast.
71. I met my husband when we both worked at a dorm cafeteria at UW.
72. I love Jon Stewart.
73. I can be quite lazy sometimes.
74. I hardly ever watch commercials anymore because I have a DVR.
75. DVRs are great, but I may watch more tv because of it...o.k. I do watch too much tv because of it.
76. In October 2003, I was in a car accident in which my car was totaled.
77. I was completely in shock after it happened and received burns on my face from the airbag.
78. My husband named our last car (the car that was totaled) Coltrane, so I felt the need to name our current car. We named it Norbert after a dragon in Harry Potter.
79. I volunteered for two political campaigns back in 2000 - one for Gary Locke when he was running for governor of WA and the other for Gore when he was running for President.
80. I will cry while watching movies and tv shows - though I try to keep the tears in while at the theater. Sometimes I succeed.
81. The only country I have been to outside the U.S. is Canada.
82. For my 30th birthday, I had a Harry Potter themed party. Who says I have to grow up?
83. I wish I lived closer to my family. They live in Spokane or Liberty Lake, WA.
84. One of my favorite moments from my wedding is when I was about to walk down the aisle, and my dad told me he loved me and I told him I loved him. We don't say that much in our family, so my dad started to cry which caused me to start to cry!
85. Another favorite moment, of course, is when we were pronounced husband and wife. A picture of us was taken as we walked back down the aisle, and it shows us with the happiest grins on our faces.
86. We went to Disneyland for our honeymoon, and I found the perfect picture frame for the picture mentioned above. It was of Mickey and Minnie in wedding attire with a heart frame. When I saw it, I had to have it.
87. We also went to Disneyland after I graduated from UW - it was a graduation gift from my parents.
88. I like to play board games.
89. I love thunderstorms (except when it interferes with my vacation plans)!
90. I have recurring dreams of plane crashes.
91. I love waterfalls - big or small.
92. The weather can determine what mood I'll be in.
93. I sometimes listen to songs that I know will make me feel sad just so I can be sad. I think this can be blamed on the emotional rollercoaster of infertility.
94. I also listen to songs that give me inspiration when I need it, i.e. Believe by Lenny Kravitz.
95. I really appreciate having found this online support group, as well as my "real-life" support group.
96. I really appreciate my friends.
97. I like to sing when no one's around - I'm sure no one wants to hear me sing.
98. This is becoming more and more difficult to think of anything to write here.
99. Seriously, what more can I say?
100. I will be a mom someday.

More Sharing

Well, with the new stat counter I've been using, I found that my real-life friends knew about this blog. I asked them, and two, so far, confirmed that they did know about it (this is in addition to the other friend I mentioned the other day). I'm actually o.k. with them knowing as I was considering telling them about it anyway. I should probably get around to telling my sister and my mother as I have a feeling that my sister, at least, will be upset I kept this from her.

On another topic, I can't seem to concentrate nor can I figure out what I want to do with my Friday night (my husband is out playing a game with some of our guy friends). I don't want to read my book. I don't want to watch any of the movies I borrowed from my parents. I don't want to watch tv at all. I'm not even sure I want to be on the computer, but it seems to be the one thing tonight that keeps my attention for at least some period of time. Apparently, blogging is good for me tonight. I'm a little anxious about finding out that my real-life friends know about this blog (afraid I've said something here to upset them), but most likely the anxiety is coming from having to wait. I'm so impatient. It's killing me - though I have a feeling already that this IUI didn't work. I can't help but feel that way when my temps are just not showing me that there is a possibility it could be true. Anyway, I've got about another 10 days before I'll find out for sure (assuming my cycle is 28 days again).

Stat Counters

Some of you were asking about stat counters, and I have been using bravenet.com to keep track of how many people come to my site and where they come from, but I found another one - statcounter.com. It actually seems a lot nicer. There aren't stupid ads on the side, which is nice and it can show you where people come from at a larger scale - all for free. I think if I paid money to bravenet, it could count more, but statcounter.com will show up to the last 100 visits rather than 10 and all for free.

Ho-hum

Nothing going on today. Just felt like writing something. I'm not feeling emotional today, which is a good thing.

And just as soon as I write that, my coworker brought in her baby to show off to everyone. I'm not sure how this makes me feel. The baby is so cute, but it just brings up feelings of desire for me. I want to have a baby of my own. I want people to ooh and aah over my baby.

7 Things

I've been tagged by Mary Ellen&Steve over at Our IVF Journey for the 7 things Meme...so here it is...

Seven Things I Would Like to Do Before I Die

1. Have children that are genetically mine and Jon's
2. Travel (especially Europe)
3. Be content with my life
4. Go on a cruise (maybe that's already covered by travel, oh well)
5. Move into a bigger house
6. Find a job I'm happy with
7. Go riding in a hot air balloon



Seven Things I Can't Do:

1. Can't stand the sight of blood
2. Can't give blood easily (they always have a tough time finding a vein with me)
3. Can't eat meat loaf
4. Can't dance
5. Can't drive a stick shift
6. Can't stand know-it-alls
7. Can't think of another thing to write here

Seven things that attracted me to my husband:

1. His Sense of Humor
2. His Kindness
3. His Intelligence
4. His Ability to Make Everyone Feel at Ease
5. His Way with Children
6. His Eyes
7. He Listens

7 Books That I Love:

1. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
2. Any Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling
3. The Stephanie Plum books by Janet Evanovich
4. Charlotte's Web by E.B. White
5. Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner
6. My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult
7. The Pilot's Wife by Anita Shreve


Seven movies I'd watch over and over:

1. Say Anything
2. The Cutting Edge (I know it's cheesy, but I like it)
3. Wedding Crashers
4. Dirty Dancing
5. The Princess Bride
6. Harry Potter movies
7. Finding Nemo

One More Thing

I was just looking over the stats for this blog and someone found this blog by typing into google "good lunch pregnant woman" because of my post the other day. I'm afraid they didn't find what they were looking for.

Another thought

I was just thinking this morning - I can't believe it has been 4 1/2 years since we first started trying to have kids. I went off birth control back in December of 2001, and even though I had a feeling that it might be hard for me to get pregnant, I seriously didn't think it would be this freaking hard and most of all, I didn't think it would take this long.

My support group was talking the other night on how infertility changes us. We are not the same people we once were. We are more angry. We are more irritated by people. It is sometimes amazing that my husband still wants to have a child with me considering how I've been lately. It is sometimes amazing that I still have friends who care and who will listen since I seem to talk about this a lot - after all, infertility seems to be running my life. I don't want it to, but it is.

Anyway, I should probably stop this post before I get too emotional. I guess this is just what I do during the 2ww.

Oh, but one more thing. On my other blog, the one my "real-life" friends read, I was looking at my stats and how people found my blog and one person typed into google "I hate blogs about infertility" and somewhere in the search results (previously, I said list) is my blog. It makes me wonder why people hate infertility blogs so much, and also why they would go through a search and then go to those blogs that they hate.

Sharing with Friends & Temps

Last night, I walked around Greenlake with a friend, and I told her about this blog. I think for now, I'm going to leave it at that. I may share with others later. I don't know yet. But funny enough, the friend I told already knew about this blog. She had found it a while back, and the funny thing is she found out about it because of something that I did. My understanding is that I had clicked on the link for my other blog, then from my other blog, I clicked on the link to her blog, and she found me that way. It doesn't really bother me much. I assumed someone would have found me eventually, and it doesn't surprise that it was this friend who found me. She said she hadn't been reading it, but I told her she could do so now.

Anyway, onto other things. I'm a little concerned about my temps lately. Here is what my temps have been since the start of my cycle:

CD1: 97.9
CD2: 97.5
CD3: 97.9 (Clomid)
CD4: 98.0 (Clomid)
CD5: 98.2 (Clomid)
CD6: 97.9 (Clomid)
CD7: 97.7 (Clomid)
CD8: 97.6 (Repronex)
CD9: 97.8 (Repronex)
CD10:97.7 (Repronex)
CD11:forgot
CD12:97.5 (ultrasound shows 9 follicles on left (one of which is at 19.5) and 5 on right)(Fertility Friend seems to think this is when ovulation occurred)
CD13:97.8 (ultrasound shows biggest of 9 follicles on left grew to 23 and I was given a trigger shot)
CD14:98.0 (Day of IUI)
CD15:98.2
CD16:98.1
CD17:98.0

Could the drugs be affecting my temps? Is it possible my digital thermometer is broken? Is it possible Fertility Friend is right? I can't imagine that to be the case since my RE saw all those follicles on CD12 and on CD13, but I don't know. So I'm just freaking out a bit.

Emotions

This is only the 2nd day in my work week, and I feel like I've been working for 5 days. I need a vacation so badly.

Last night, I went to my support group and we were meeting in Auburn. It didn't take me as long to get there as I thought, and the house was easy to find. It was the coming back home that was a pain. I got lost and went down the wrong way at least 3 times. The name of the road, as far as I could tell, was different from where I had turned before. It kinda bugs me when they do that! Over here, it is (this is just an example) A Street and just a few feet down the other direction, it is B Street. Anywho, since I don't deal well with getting lost, I'm fearful that my stress caused problems with this IUI working. It may not be true, but that's how I feel.

And my temperature is not alleviating any fears. It is still on the lowish side, so I'm not quite sure what to make of that. It went up, but barely. And I don't know which temps are high because the house was way too freaking hot, and therefore, so was I. THANK GOD the Clomid is out of my system and I'm not having night sweats on top of the way too hot temperature outside. Also, thankfully, the temps seem to have gone down some so it actually feels somewhat comfortable outside and inside our house.

Anyway, I'm scared that this cycle won't work. And I'm hopeful that it will. What a strange feeling it will be if it does work! Something that I've been wanting for so long is finally a reality. It will be such a strange concept - me - pregnant? Me - a mother? I've been on this infertility rollercoaster for so long that sometimes it doesn't feel like I'll ever get off. It seems like such a huge part of me that it will be an odd transition - but, of course, a welcome one!

I'm not sure it will feel real in the beginning. I don't think it will feel real until I have the first ultrasound, and even then, I'm not sure it will feel really real until I have the baby in my arms. I want so much for this cycle to work - mainly because I hate this emotional rollercoaster. I want to get off now. I want to get off this infertility rollercoaster and move onto the motherhood one. I imagine myself getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth to our baby, and holding our baby for the first time as my husband looks on with such joy in his eyes. I'm ready to make this a reality, but it will certainly be strange once it is.

On a different note, I'm seriously considering on letting one of my friends know about this blog, if not all. I'm not sure how they will respond. I'm going to walk around Greenlake with a friend tonight and I might mention it to her. I feel like I'm hiding part of myself by not sharing this blog with others. I do share some info with them on my other blog they know about. Some info I don't share until after I know the results of a cycle.

Do you any of you share your blog with your, for lack of a better word, "real-life" friends? Did you share it after you've had it for a while? If so, how did they respond?

Just blogging about nothing in particular

I really don't have much to blog about today. I'm at work, and surprisingly, things aren't as bad as I thought they would be, so I do have time to take a lunch break and read up on some blogs (and write a post of my own).

It is only CD15 - 1 DPIUI - and I'm wondering if any pains I felt throughout the night or into today mean anything. I can't believe I still have 13 days left. How did I make it through this last time?

Last night, while sitting in my way too hot bedroom, I made a bracelet with some beads that I had bought a while back. It's something to keep my mind occupied. However, I didn't wear it today; instead I'm wearing my bracelet I made at my support group. I'll probably continue wearing it for the next couple weeks or so - just so I can be continually reminded that I am not alone in all this.

Speaking of, one thing that I did want to mention is that I am so happy that blogs exist. It is amazing how many infertility blogs are out there, and new ones pop up all the time. I know I've said it before, but I just need to say it again - I appreciate hearing from each of you and reading about your stories and rooting for you to finally get off this emotional rollercoaster. It means so much that I have all this support and I am able to give support back to those who need it. I wish the best of luck to each of you.

Now we wait

We are now starting the 2ww. The IUI went well. The doctor who did the IUI wasn't my normal RE, but that's o.k. I like this guy too. Thankfully, my husband was with me this time unlike the last 2 times. The last 2 times he had to work, but since he's on vacation now, he was able to be there during the actual insemination.

Right now, I'm cramping a little, but not as much as last time. God, I really, really hope that this is it. I got some sad news today from a friend of mine (met her in my support group) - she found out that her IVF failed. That just makes me so sad. She is now looking into donor eggs. It seems that most of the women in my group are onto the donor egg path, and I'm the only one who isn't. Three of the women in my group are now in the middle of their donor egg cycles. I really hope that donor eggs works for them - all of them would be wonderful mothers. It pains me when they get negative results.

On another note, the weather in Seattle is so freaking hot. I used to live in Texas where it was really freaking hot, but since I've been in WA for 19 years now, I guess I've gotten used to the weather around here and 88 degrees is too freaking hot - especially when stuck inside the house. I feel so bad for my furbabies (my 2 kitties). My husband and I went to Richmond Beach on Saturday (which is in the City of Shoreline - just outside of Seattle), so that was nice and yesterday, we went to the Ice Caves up north in an attempt to cool off. However, it was not that much cooler up there even with the snow than it was back home. And there weren't that many caves either. :-(

Well, anyway, I think I'll go hang out underneath my ceiling fan for a while. I hope everyone is doing well. I might not have much time to check blogs this week, but we'll see. Hopefully, work won't be that busy, but I have to do a lot of things before I go on jury duty next week. Jury duty is only 2 days unless you get onto a jury, and I'm not sure I will since I have a law degree. But we'll see, and I want to be prepared at work in case I am gone longer than the 2 days.

O.K. I really gotta go now. I feel as if I'm melting up here in our office!

Oh, and before I forget - thank you so much for your good luck wishes. THANK YOU!

IUI #3

IUI #3 will be tomorrow morning. The biggest of the follicles grew to 23, so my doctor gave me the trigger shot and we'll go in tomorrow morning for the IUI. Wish me luck!

9 and 5

I went to my RE's office for an ultrasound this morning and the news is good!!! I have 5 follicles on my right side and 9 follicles (!!!) on my left. The largest one on the left is 19.5 right now, so we are moving ahead with IUI #3 - I really hope that 3rd times the charm! Right now, we are going to go in for another ultrasound tomorrow just to make sure the follicles on the left are growing as they should, and if they are, we will do the IUI on Monday or Tuesday. We'll know for sure which day tomorrow.

I am just so happy that there are 9 follicles on the left. Yay! It is kinda funny that I felt the follicles more on the right side than on the left, and the left is the one that had more of them and they were also bigger on the left side.

Well, my husband and I are off to go have a picnic at one of the nearby beaches in the city. The weather in Seattle is just beautiful, so we have to take advantage of it! I'll share more news tomorrow. I hope everyone is doing well.

I'm definitely feeling it

Like hopeful mother, the left side hurt less than the right side. It still stung a bit, but not nearly as bad as the shot on the right side. The shots are being done IM (which I was surprised about because I thought they would be done SC).

So this morning, I'm walking over to our accounting department, then down to the deli to get some water and my right side really hurts! I feel like there are many, many follicles on that side, but nothing on the left. I'll find out for sure tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. But I don't think I'm going to do much walking today.

Alright, just a few more hours of work, then it's time for the weekend!

Good lunch

My husband came out to my work to have lunch with me. That was nice - it was nice to get out of the office, if only for a little bit. After lunch, we walked around the pond that is in the middle of my company's buildings and some other nearby businesses.

It seemed like we saw several pregnant women, and I know my husband noticed it too as it seems each time we saw a pregnant woman, one of us would say something like, "when we have our baby..." or "what will we do if we ended up with twins?"

In less than 48 hours, I'll know if the Clomid and Repronex did its job. I wish I could go in right now to find out!

OUCH!

That shot last night stung so badly! OUCH!!!!

Last night (before the shot), I met up with a couple friends to walk around Greenlake. I'm not sure if that was a good idea. About halfway into it, I started to feel some sensitivity on my right side - nothing on my left though. It just got worse and worse that it was starting to feel painful, and I really didn't want to continue walking toward the end. It would seem the drugs are working on the right side at least.

I told vanpool girl that we are in the midst of another cycle. She does seem to care when I talk about it with her, but she forgets that hearing about her pregnancy is not a fun experience for me.

I really, really don't want to be at work today. My husband has taken the rest of this week off and the three days at the beginning of next week, so I want to go home and hang out with him. Then, the weather in Seattle is beautiful, so I really don't want to be inside. Plus, I'm tired. I'm still waking up because of night sweats.

Well, even though I don't want to be at work, I suppose I should do some of it.

That Repronex Stings!

Last night was the first shot of the Repronex - it stung as it went in, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Still I would rather not have to do this. I have 2 more days of Repronex and if everything looks good, then there will be one more shot - the trigger shot. I'm really anxious for the ultrasound on Saturday.

Last night, I wasn't feeling very hopeful that all this will work. I was just certain that it wouldn't. In fact, I was freaking out that it wouldn't work. Thank goodness for my support group. Today, I'm about the same - I have some hope, but not much. My right side feels sensitive, so it feels like I'm about to ovulate on that side. I don't feel anything on my left side. And that makes me nervous - I don't want to have spent all this money and have nothing happen on the left. Maybe I just don't feel it on that side, but there really is something going on with the left side - I really hope so.

One More Day of Clomid, One Day Closer to Repronex

To answer Alli's question from my last post, I start the Repronex tomorrow and continue that for 3 days. Then I have the ultrasound on Saturday to see if the Clomid and the Repronex worked - particularly on the left side. All I could think of this morning if that if this doesn't work, I know we should move onto IVF and I'm honestly scared to. I don't have the money right now to do that and I know that when I do, I'll probably have enough for just one shot and if that doesn't work...

On a slightly different note, I'm afraid that my hearing is going to become nonexistent because of how high the volume is on my iPod. This morning, before I could get my iPod out and the wires untangled, I heard the following exchange...

Pregnant girl to another vanpool person who hasn't been in the van in a while: "You haven't been in the van a while. Why?"

Other vanpool person: "I haven't been sleeping well. My sleep apnea and the other medical issue have been bothering me, so I've been coming into work later."

Pregnant girl: "I never knew how hard it was to work until I wasn't getting enough sleep. I just can't get comfortable with this pregnancy."

Other vanpool person: "Poor baby."

Me (in my head while this is going on): UGH!!! Stupid wires - get untangled already. Aah, there. Poor baby! What about me? I'm waking up about every hour or so because I'm either burning up so I need to take all the covers off of me or I'm freezing because I took all the covers off of me when I was burning up. I haven't got a good night's sleep in several days now.

Me - right now: I know that being pregnant can sometimes, or a lot of the times, be uncomfortable, but at this point in my life, I can't have sympathy. Maybe I will when I'm pregnant, but right now,I have no sympathy when I have to go through all of this crap to get pregnant in the first place.

Maybe I should take Sunnie up on her offer*! ;-D

* Please note that I'm kidding and I do not wish harm on anyone.

The Repronex Arrives

I got my fertility medicine in the mail today - I had it shipped to work since they needed someone to sign for it and I wasn't going to be able to take a day off work to sit at home. I'll need that vacation day when (notice I didn't say if and when) the IUI happens. It's a rather big box for something so small. I opened it up and even though I knew that needles were coming, I was still surprised to see a container for us to put the needles once we are done with them.

Yesterday morning, my coworker finally had her baby. Needless to say, there were many pictures sent out. And this morning, the pregnant woman in my vanpool had a breakdown. I felt sorry that she was crying, but thought later, that I'd rather be crying because of pregnancy hormones than because my latest IUI failed. Hopefully, I'll be pregnant soon too.

Good Song

I was just reading Beth's blog and she links to a song written by two of the members of the Dixie Chicks that is about their struggles with infertility - it's called "So Hard". Both of the women did eventually conceive with IVF. I can't stop listening to the song!

Here's an article about it. I cannot believe someone actually said to one of them "'Oh, so you took the easy way' after that person found out they conceived from IVF. How the hell is this the easy way? Yep, all that medication, including some received from shots; ultrasounds; pain (both physical and emotional), not to mention the cost = an easy way to conceive. These are probably the same people who think adoption is easy too.

Anyway, here are the lyrics...


Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard

What's that again?

So I went to the RE's office this morning for an ultrasound. She said everything looked good - she even asked me if she had told me that she thought my ovaries looked great (she had).

Tomorrow I start on Clomid and take that for the next 5 days. The RE ordered Repronex for me from a pharmacy in CA, I believe, to start taking that next Tuesday. It should show up here at work on Friday. Has anyone taken Repronex and if so, how was it? The nurse showed us how to inject the Repronex - as usual, I am not looking forward to the needle part of this whole journey.

When the pharmacy called me to set up delivery, I was a little taken aback by the cost even though I knew it was going to be a lot more than what I was used to. I can't imagine how I'm going to be if we have to move onto IVF with all the $$$ that requires.

Anyway, that's CD2. I have some hope for this cycle - it's a different protocol from what I've been doing - so I'm hoping the Repronex will be exactly what I needed. We'll see!

Time to go back on that rollercoaster

Well, today is CD1. I wasn't expecting a different result - I wasn't thinking I could actually could pregnant this past cycle, but even so, it's still disappointing to see AF show up...again!

At least, there wasn't any annoying pregnancy talk this morning. Yesterday, when I had forgotten to charge my iPod after my trip to Spokane this past weekend, I had to endure talk of maternity leave and wanting to be at home with the baby for as long as possible. For some women, this talk doesn't bother me, but with this person, it drives me crazy. I think it's because she didn't even have to try to get pregnant - well, at least not as long as me - it took her 6 months.

And also, I went to a birthday party for my niece who turned 4 on Sunday, and there was a woman there who had a 7 month old. Totally adorable baby - I just want an adorable baby of my own!

Oh, and I went to go visit my grandmother and she actually told me a story of a female newscaster in Spokane who was adopting a child from China who, surprise, got pregnant after starting the adoption process! So that's all I need to do! UGH! I thought I had set her straight the last time she said this, but I guess not. I didn't even try to ask her if I could borrow $$$ for IVF because she just made it sound like I'll get pregnant with no problems if I "just adopt" or "just relax"! UGH!!!!!!!! She was surprised, though, at the cost involved and at the long process involved with adopting. Maybe I got through to her this time. Maybe, but probably not.

Anyway, I'm going in tomorrow to the doctor's office for an ultrasound. Then I'll start with the Mayo protocol. I really hope that third time's the charm.

Vanpool Baby Talk

I'm curious - is it just me or do others get irritated by the, what seems like, constant baby talk around them? This morning, once again, my vanpool was talking about people giving birth to babies or being pregnant or whatever. I had my iPod, but I can still hear them! This talk was going on the whole way into work - which is about 1/2 hour. I want people to stop asking me if I know if my coworker has had her baby yet (turns out she hasn't)!

And vanpool girl still has another 4 months of pregnancy! If I get another negative result after the next IUI (which I hope will be at the end of this month), I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to leave the vanpool, but the cost of gas nowadays and the traffic (if I'm not able to drive in the carpool lane) keeps me in the vanpool. I really wish I lived closer to work - of course, then my husband would have the long commute.

Well, back to work.

Support Group Bracelet

Support Group Bracelet
Originally uploaded by heathercim.

A mentioned a while ago that my support group got together to make bracelets with beads that each of us brought to represent ourselves. This is the bracelet I made.

I should have put them in a different order, but it will be a nice reminder of the support I get from them. One of the girls brought a bead that had the first letter of our first names on it - which I thought was a nice idea. I brought a bear bead (I collect bears), and the other women brought various other beads.

So, regarding the whole infertility stuff, I've actually been o.k. except this morning when vanpool girl talked about her pregnancy. I don't know why it bothers me so much, it just does. I'm so glad I have an iPod.

I'm also wishing the next cycle will start already!

Interesting Weekend

First of all, when I left work on Saturday, the weather started to become beautiful. We actually had somewhat of a pleasant weather weekend.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was supposed to go to dinner with a friend on Friday night. Well, she had to cancel on me – and for a great reason too – her husband, also a friend of mine, had to go to the ER with abdominal pain. The way she described it, it sounded like a kidney stone. Having had a kidney stone myself back when I was 19, I generally know how to spot them (but that’s another story). Anyway, I found out the next morning that he indeed has a large kidney stone with several smaller ones, and one of his kidneys was teeny tiny and not functioning at all. Like my family, his family has some kidney issues. They took him into surgery to put in a stint, and either today or tomorrow, they are going to do a lithotripsy – they aren’t so bad – it really just feels like someone tapping on your back. Passing the broken up stones was painful, but not nearly as painful as when they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me (see more below). My husband and I went to visit with my friend while her husband was in surgery and then we visited with him when came out. So we spent most of Saturday at the hospital. The rest of my Saturday consisted of going to a going away party for one of the post-docs working in my husband’s department at the med school, and then to a BBQ that a friend was having because another friend who now lives in Livermore, CA was in town. Fun was had at both places!

On Sunday, we went to brunch with some friends, then went and did some geocaching with the friend who was in town for the weekend. I honestly had no idea what this was until yesterday, but it seemed like fun. I like a good treasure hunt!

Regarding infertility stuff - This weekend I had a bit of a freak out. I got a jury summons in the mail on Saturday and I am to appear on July 5 and 6 (or possibly more if I get on a jury). This is my first jury summons, and as a law school graduate, I’m actually excited to go, but I had to sit down and make sure that my jury duty didn’t conflict with the Mayo protocol cycle I’m doing next cycle. Luckily, it shouldn’t if this cycle is a normal one. Today is CD21.

Anyway, that’s my weekend. Next weekend, I’m going to Spokane to see my brother in a play and to my niece’s 4th birthday party.

Here’s my kidney stone story – I was 18 when it all started (about 2 months before my 19th birthday). I would have pain and throw up a bit, but my doctor actually told me it was because I was drinking too much pop and not enough water. So I drank only water, and it helped for a bit. Then it came back – this time my doctor said it was because I was stressed (!). Well, since a kidney stone doesn’t go away when you’re calm, the pain and nausea continued. I remember being sick on my 19th birthday and my grandmother said “you’re not supposed to be sick on your birthday!”

The next time I see a doctor is in the ER – the pain had just become so excruciating that I thought I was going to die. – A the ER, they do a gynecological exam, and let me tell you – having such an exam when you are in pain due to a kidney stone is not fun – and this was my first one – I made my mom (who was with me at the ER) swear that they were not all like this. They only think I have a kidney and bladder infection, give me antibiotics and send me on my way. Well, things were o.k. for a while, but it was getting worse. I was throwing up more. I was losing weight, and back then, I was REALLY skinny. Eventually, they do an ultrasound and see the huge kidney stone in my right kidney. They schedule me for a lithotripsy to break up the stone. I almost had to have surgery to remove some fragments, but thank goodness, I passed them. The whole experience probably lasted about 3 months from when I first started to feel pain to when they finally did the lithotripsy. Lovely, huh?

Since then, my dad, mom, sister, and nephew (at around age 3 or 4) have had kidney stones. We found out my aunt and cousin were born with just one kidney stone. My grandmother and uncle also had some before I did. Gotta love those genetics!

Well, that’s my story.

Rambling Post

I don't have anything new to report. I'm just waiting for my next cycle to start so I try the Mayo protocol. Today is CD18, so I've got a while to go yet. This wait, though not nearly as bad as the other 2ww, still seems to go on forever when you just want to get on with it already.

Things at work are as they were before - I'm completely stressed out and now we have another coworker who is leaving to go to FL because her dad is in poor health right now (I feel so bad for her), which means more work for me and a couple other of my coworkers. I hear rumors of a temp coming on Monday, so I hope that's true - but they'll still need to be trained.

The weather in Seattle (or at least here in Issaquah, WA - 15 miles outside of Seattle) is miserable. It's as if the clouds are just dumping buckets of water down onto us - and I drove into work today (instead of coming in my vanpool) so I could leave early to do thing for work. I hate driving when the rain is this heavy (I suppose I should be used to it by now since I've lived in Seattle for the past 12 1/2 years). Anyway, the weather isn't helping me find any motivation to do any work on this Friday afternoon which is why I keep rambling on with this post.

This past Wednesday, I walked around Greenlake with a friend to talk about what's going on with us. She's a friend who really tries to understand what I'm going through and really listens. I appreciate that a lot. Tonight, I'm going to dinner with another friend who also is good about listening. I do consider myself lucky to have such good friends. Oh, and the other day at support group, we each brought a bead for each other to put onto a bracelet we make for ourselves to remind each other of the support we give each other. It was a great idea - and at some point, I'll get around to taking a picture of it so everyone can see it.

I guess I did have some things to talk about. Well, I suppose my lunch hour is over and I should go do some work. Oh, the rain stopped - yay! Hopefully, it will stay that way!

Have a great weekend everyone!