Movies & Update

This weekend I got around to seeing a couple movies (the weather in Seattle was crappy, so the movie theatre seemed like a good place to go). I went to go see X-Men 3 on Saturday and The Da Vinci Code on Sunday. X-Men 3 was kinda on the boring side - it was o.k., but not great. The Da Vinci Code was good - though, as usual, they changed some things that happened in the book.

Also, on Sunday, I went to the RE's office for a CD13 ultrasound. And, of course, this month,the dominant follicle is on the right side with 2 smaller follicles nearby. The left ovary didn't feel like working, apparently, because there was nothing on that side - and that's the side I need working! So we're not doing anything this cycle - which I'm o.k. with because I'll have enough stress at work the next couple weeks, I don't need to also be sitting in the 2ww wondering if this time it will work.

Next cycle, the RE said that she suggested we try the Mayo protocol, which I think I may have mentioned before. With this protocol, I would have an ultrasound on CD 2 or 3 to check to make sure there are no cysts; then on CD 3-7, I would be on 100 mg of Clomid; on CD 8-10, I would inject one of the following: Repronex/Bravelle/Follistim; then on CD12, I would have another ultrasound to see what, if anything, is going on and if my left ovary decides to work next cycle, then we'll do the HCG trigger shot with an IUI. I am so not looking forward to all the shots, but hopefully, it will be all worth it.

After my doctor appointment, I went over to a bead store to purchase some beads for the beading party that my support group is having this week on Tuesday. We're going to make each other bracelets with beads that we picked out to represent ourselves, so that when all of us are going through cycles, we'll have this to remind us of the support we give each other. It is a really great idea. I'm looking forward to this!

Well, that's all for this weekend. Today, I haven't really doing much. I went and walked around a school track for 1/2 hour while my husband ran (he's training for a half marathon), then we came back and completed some chores. I am very much not looking forward to going back to the stress of work tomorrow.

I hope everyone had a great weekend! I may not be able to read too many blogs this week, but hopefully, I'm wrong and things at work will go smoothly!

Busy

No time for a mental health day, unfortunately. Things have gotten crazy at work. The coworker who's pregnant most likely had her baby today or is really close to it, and so some of the stuff she was supposed to be working on was given to me. Well, apparently, she thought what she had to do wasn't important, so she barely did anything and we do have a deadline! And the stuff she did do, she used some wrong information so I have to go back and correct that. Just UGH! Another coworker and I really think she never really did any work - she just sat at her desk all day and talked on the phone to whomever (not anyone she should be talking to). So I brought some work home with me, so I can try to get everything under control. I hate bringing my work home with me. Hopefully, I'll be able to get enough done tomorrow so I won't have to bring any of it home with me over Memorial Day weekend. I really need this long weekend.

Anyway, an interesting thing happened to me today. Another one of my coworkers has a friend who needed some paperwork notarized for an adoption she is doing in Guatemala. I'm a notary (as are many in my department), so she came to us to get her paperwork notarized. She has one child already from a surrogacy, but she really wants another child. She decided adoption was what she wanted to do. So we talked about that, and we also talked about the infertility crappiness. She went through a lot of treatments before they decided to move onto surrogacy. It was really cool to talk to her. She gave me her # in case I should want to call. She also said that if I ever go through IVF (which hopefully I won't because the next IUI will work), since she goes to Europe a lot, she would be willing to purchase the drugs over there since they are so much cheaper. That is so nice of her. I really wish we could've talked more but stupid work got in the way.

Sunday morning, I go in for an ultrasound to see what, if anything, the Clomid did this cycle. That reminds me, the coworker's friend also encouraged me to switch clinics since she feels that clinic is better (she went to the clinic I currently go to and saw the husband of the doctor I see). I've been considering switching already to the clinic I went to for the 2nd opinion as they have a great embryologist on staff, and if I do IVF, I'll want to switch to this clinic to give myself the best chance of the IVF working. I think we may continue with the current clinic at least through one more IUI cycle, then we'll probably switch over.

Well, that's all for now. I need to go get ready for bed. I've been staying up way too late the past few nights and have been dragging a lot lately. I really could use a good night's sleep.

Dragging Today

I am just dragging today. I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever to do anything at work today. I just want to go home, change into my pj's, and watch some tv or read my book. Probably the watch tv part since I am so far behind on my DVR and it seems like less work than reading my book (though I would like to finish it - I've been reading it for far too long now - there's no way I'm going to read 52 books this year per the 52 book challenge at the pace I'm going. I think I'm on book 11.)

Only 4 hours left! That seems like forever. I'm glad I have my support group meeting tonight - it will be nice to see those ladies.

UGH...AGAIN

I just can't get to my iPod fast enough. The cube next to me is now talking about giving birth and how quickly child birth goes when it is your 3rd child. I don't want to hear about this right now. And they are talking so loudly!

Just wanted to complain a bit...now I'll go back to work. But now, I'll listen to my iPod.

And here we are again...

Today is CD7 - the third day of taking Clomid once again. So far, so good. Today is Monday - back to work. :-(

This weekend was a rather busy weekend, so I didn't really have much time to feel sorry for myself over the IUI failing. My husband and I drove over to Spokane on Friday to see my brother in a play and to go to a wedding reception (for the wedding that took place in WI that I went to last month). We came back on Sunday (it's about a 4 1/2-5 hour trip from one side of WA to the other, so it was very exhausting).

However, this morning, on the way into work, I just went right back into feeling a bit depressed. I don't want to feel this way. At least this week, vanpool girl is on vacation so I don't have to hear about that this week. Though one of the backup drivers will be driving more, which means I will probably have a sore neck by the end of the week with her slam-on-the-brake driving. I'm not sure which is worse sometimes.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to this day being over. I want to go home and rest!

That Reminds Me

I was reading a post by Sunnie about getting no condolences from the RE's office after a negative IUI and having a breakdown at work. And it just reminds me that I felt the same exact way with my RE's office the other day when they called to switch the time of my appointment today and not only that to switch who I was seeing. I didn't get any sympathy from them when they called and not much even today. All I need is a simple "sorry, it didn't work". Which reminds me that when I told my whole group of friends about the IUI and that it failed, all of my girlfriends were there with their condolences, but none of my guy friends said a word. I know, guys just respond in different ways, but still!

Then I get into work this morning and I thought I was doing o.k., but one simple thing just caused the tears to come rushing out. I rushed to the bathroom and hid out in there for a while until I could control myself. This whole infertility thing just sucks. I am just so ready for it to be over with, but I'm not ready to give up yet. I can't continue to keep having these breakdowns at work either!

CD3 Dr. Appt.

I went to the doctor's office this morning, and saw someone that is not my doctor since my doctor was called to surgery. I asked the not-my-doctor woman about Letrazole (a drug that the 2nd opinion doctor mentioned), and she said that they don't use that drug because there is some concern that the drug causes birth defects. Well, that makes me nervous, so I guess that's out.

She said that for this cycle to try Clomid again at 50 mg - since I have a good response to it at that level, she didn't feel like I should be moved up to 100 mg. She said that maybe next cycle, we could try a Mayo protocol, which I'm still not clear on all of what is involved with it, but she said it involves upping the dose of Clomid to 100 mg, then using some other drug that they use for IVF that would go directly to the ovaries(?), which can cause an even more increased chances of multiples? I don't know, I left a little confused and am just going to wait until I see my doctor to ask more about it - especially since she said she would have to check with my doctor before going ahead with that protocol. So if we do that protocol, it would be the next cycle.

I also had concerns about my progesterone, she said to bring in my chart when I come in on CD13 (I meant to bring it with me today) to see if there could be some luteal phase defect and if it looks like it could be possible, they would test my progesterone levels.

Anyway, that was my doctor appointment today. So it looks like on Saturday, I will start Clomid again. I'm so looking forward to those hot flashes so much ;-D - especially when it has been so warm in Seattle lately.

Thanks everyone for your comments and support. It is very much appreciated.

It's Official

It's official - the IUI didn't work. Today is CD1. I'm going to make an appointment to see my doctor on Thursday for CD3 to see what to do next.

Angel

Since I had my car at work today (I didn't want to be in the vanpool today), I decided to go over to McDonald's and get a happy meal (I'm going to regret eating this grease later) for a little Build-A-Bear to help cheer myself up. I got the one with the little red swimming trunks and named him Angel.

I just noticed that his color is "Heather Brown" - how fitting that they gave me that one.

Not sure what to name this post

My temperature dropped quite significantly enough for me to say that the IUI didn't work. It is only a matter of time before AF shows up.

Even though I had a feeling it wouldn't work, I still had a lot of hope that it would. So I'm completely devastated. I can't stand this. I can't stand the disappointment. I don't want to be at work, but I don't want to be at home alone either (though my 2 wonderful kitties would be there to comfort me as they were this morning).

Why - WHY - can't it work out - just once? Am I really asking that much? What did I do to deserve this pain?

We will probably try an IUI one more time before moving onto IVF. I was really hoping that this IUI would've done the trick. But I guess not.

I kept a journal of the IUI "journey" if you'd like to read - some of the things I already posted on this blog.

A different kind of sad

I didn't know this person, but I read her blog. I am upset by the news of her death. While she was trying to conceive her first child, she found out she had ovarian cancer. She won the initial battle, only for the cancer to come back. She was only 33. 33!

:-(

I went to a baby shower today - the one that was at work - at lunchtime. I didn't think that the baby shower would have such an effect on me as it did. I just feel like crying. And I have 2 1/2 more hours left before I can go home. Luckily, there weren't any games, but there was still the pregnancy/baby talk that most of the women could be included in. And the oohs and aahs as the gifts were opened.

It's all too depressing for me right now, and maybe, just maybe, I'll have a positive pregnancy test in a few days. I can only hope - hope seems like such a foreign concept to me at this point.

Books

A woman that recently joined my support group told us about these wonderful books on how to tell your children how they became part of your family - including through IVF, Donor Egg, Surrogacy or Adoption.

1 Week Down...

It is now 1 week after the IUI. Only another week (or so) to go.

Just now, I saw vanpool girl and for the first time, I noticed that she is now showing. I guess I just don't notice it while we're in the van. I'm listening to that Train song over and over again today. I don't know why vanpool girl's "bump" bothers me, but it does. Like the Train song says, "I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me."


Speaking of, I might be getting together with a friend this weekend who knows all about the IUI and has been so supportive - and you know what's interesting about this? She's a new friend - I just met her last August! And I met her through another friend of whom she just married. I think the reason I told her about the IUI is that she can get what all of us are going through and she doesn't look at me like I'm crazy when I talk about certain things. She can't get pregnant because she had cancer a little over 5 years ago and she had to have a hysterectomy. I can't even imagine what's it's been like for her, and she has said she can't imagine what's it's like for me. Yet, we can understand each other. I just feel so happy she has been brought into my life.

Her and her husband are looking into adoption to make their family dreams come true.

Thank you to everyone for your advice. I really do appreciate it!!!

Trying to not think about it...

This weekend, I kept myself busy so I wouldn't have too much time to think about the fact that I'm in the middle of this 2 week wait.

Friday night - my husband surprised me with dinner and flowers because he said that I'm going through a lot right now. So sweet!

Saturday - In the morning, I walked along the Burke-Gilman trail here in Seattle with a friend and his dog. Then later, my husband and I went to go see Thank You for Smoking (which was good and funny movie - though still not as good as the book). Then later that night, the women in my group of friends got together for a craft night while the guys did their own thing. I finally got around to making a bracelet and a necklace with the beads I bought a couple (or so) months ago.

Sunday - In the morning, I walked around Greenlake with a couple friends. Then later that night, my husband and I went to a potluck with the women from my support group and their husbands. It was a really fun night. My husband was a little nervous about going, but he said he had a good time though he wished we weren't a part of this club anymore. I have to agree. I really love being with these women and I will be happy when one of us gets pregnant, but I will also be sad because I don't want to see them go. It's a strange feeling.

Oh, and one more thing. Fertility Friend now thinks I ovulated Wednesday, May 3 - the day after the IUI. So I hope that's good news for us.

Anxiety

I really, really need a find a way to not be so anxious about all of this. What have any of you done to relieve some anxiety in this 2ww?

Just a tiny bit freaking out...

So Fertility Friend says that I ovulated on Monday - which makes me a bit nervous since we did the IUI on Tuesday. I even asked my doctor about the fact that my temperature went from 97.5 on Monday to 98.2 on Tuesday, but seemed to think that the IUI could still work. I'm not so sure. I really don't have much hope for this IUI working. I'll be completely shocked if it does.

New song for me to obsess over...

I heard this song the other day on the radio, and even though I had heard it before, it didn't really speak to me until I heard it the other day... I've been listening to it over and over again...

Here are the lyrics (italics mine)...

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

[Chorus:]
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I won't give up if you dont give up [Reapeat x4]

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

[Chorus]

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
And private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
And futbol teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours

[Chorus x2]

Calling all you angels [Repeat till fade]

Now on to the 2ww...

Here I am in the dreaded 2ww. The IUI went well yesterday - everything looked good - it's just a matter of everything going where it needs to go and doing what it needs to do. I had some cramping yesterday, and I have some cramping again today. I don't remember it being like this last time, but it has been about 1 1/2 years since I did my last IUI.

I certainly hope that this wait goes by quickly!!!

HCG Shot & More

The shot wasn't too bad - though I was completely nervous about it. Have I mentioned I hate needles? It stung a little, but it wasn't that bad. I'm so happy that's over with though! Now, that the shot is out of the way, I'm thinking a lot more about the IUI itself, the dreaded 2 week wait, and then what the results will be.

Honestly, I'm scared. One of the reasons I didn't go the RE for the longest time was that I was scared of the disappointment. We had tried an IUI before, and it obviously didn't work. I was depressed afterwards when it hadn't worked. I am afraid of going there again. I can feel now just how depressed I will be if this doesn't work - and I can't imagine what I'd feel if I was doing an IVF which costs so much more and involves so a lot more medication/shots.

I really hate this. As some have said in this crappy world of infertility, it feels like we are being punished and fined for having bodies that don't want to cooperate and bear children. So many women can get pregnant so easily - why - WHY does it have to be so difficult for women who I know will be such wonderful mothers and for men who I know will be such wonderful fathers? I know my husband will be the best dad - I have seen him with my nieces and nephews and they ADORE him. UGH - I'm crying as I write this and I know I should be in a happier and more hopeful mood, but I'm just not. I don't know if this will work, but I will regret it if I don't try!

I wish I could share what's going on with my "non-internet" friends and family, but I just can't bear to hear the questions in 2 weeks whether we know the results or not. I will tell them after I find out the results that we did an IUI, but not now. I am glad that I can share this with all of you and with my support group. As I've said before, I don't know what I'd do without all of you! Thank you!