Another day
I didn't get much sleep last night. The cramps were horrible and woke me up around 3 in the morning, then one of my kitties decided he needed love at 5 in the morning (he is such a sweet kittie), then I had to get up at 6 to come to work. I feel exhausted and it's not Friday yet!
I'm really trying hard to concentrate on anything other than the fact that I'm not pregnant, but that's always difficult (why is it that my coworker who's about to give birth always seems to come by when I'm writing on my blog about not being pregnant. Strange.)
I'm honesty tired of trying to get pregnant - I don't want to try anymore. I just need it to happen. I can't keep going through this emotional rollercoaster each and every month until I'm just too old to have kids. I can't keep acting so happy at work and with my friends, while inside I am so depressed from trying to get pregnant. I keep trying to tell myself that maybe I'm not meant to have kids, and I become irritated at myself for thinking that. My husband would be a wonderful father (he wants to be called "papa" by our children), and I think I would be a wonderful mother, especially since I've had to go through so much just to have them.
You know what thought just popped into my head - have you ever heard of the "pencil test" or the "ring test" where you have a friend/coworker/whatever hold a pencil or ring on a string perfectly still above your hand and the pencil or ring starts swinging around and eventually will go up or down or right or left to show how many children you will have and what gender they will be? Well, twice or maybe three times, I've done with my coworkers. Each time it comes back I'll have a daughter, then a son. We've done this test on those who've had children and are past their 'child-bearing years', and it always shows the right number of children and in the right order (even with my grandmother who has had 7 kids). Now, I'm not sure how much faith I can put into these things, but it makes me feel good just for a little bit thinking that it seems to work and most importantly, I'll have two children. Now, if only they'd show up.
I'm really trying hard to concentrate on anything other than the fact that I'm not pregnant, but that's always difficult (why is it that my coworker who's about to give birth always seems to come by when I'm writing on my blog about not being pregnant. Strange.)
I'm honesty tired of trying to get pregnant - I don't want to try anymore. I just need it to happen. I can't keep going through this emotional rollercoaster each and every month until I'm just too old to have kids. I can't keep acting so happy at work and with my friends, while inside I am so depressed from trying to get pregnant. I keep trying to tell myself that maybe I'm not meant to have kids, and I become irritated at myself for thinking that. My husband would be a wonderful father (he wants to be called "papa" by our children), and I think I would be a wonderful mother, especially since I've had to go through so much just to have them.
You know what thought just popped into my head - have you ever heard of the "pencil test" or the "ring test" where you have a friend/coworker/whatever hold a pencil or ring on a string perfectly still above your hand and the pencil or ring starts swinging around and eventually will go up or down or right or left to show how many children you will have and what gender they will be? Well, twice or maybe three times, I've done with my coworkers. Each time it comes back I'll have a daughter, then a son. We've done this test on those who've had children and are past their 'child-bearing years', and it always shows the right number of children and in the right order (even with my grandmother who has had 7 kids). Now, I'm not sure how much faith I can put into these things, but it makes me feel good just for a little bit thinking that it seems to work and most importantly, I'll have two children. Now, if only they'd show up.
posted by seattlegal @ 12:58 PM
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