It's Not O.K.

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I started to think about my desire to have children. I started to think that maybe it would be o.k. if we didn't have children, then just a split second later, I cried and screamed in my head that it was not o.k. IT'S NOT O.K. I want to have children so badly.

Just a few moments ago, I began talking to a coworker about her brother and her sister who have both adopted children either through Catholic charities or through a private adoption. She said she would ask her sibling about the adoption process. In the meantime, I've contacted one international adoption agency and I saw the costs of adopting children and IT SCARES ME! Not only does the cost scares me, but also the thought that they might not think that we have enough money to care for a child or that we will provide the child a good home. And what country would be better to adopt from? Which country would be easier to adopt from? I have too many questions and too much fear about adoption for the reasons I mentioned above.

Why can't I just get pregnant? That way no one will judge me as to whether or not I'm capable of providing for a child even if I am. I am so scared and I have NO ONE to talk to. Everyone just says, "why don't you just adopt?" IT's NOT THAT EASY!!! It's not. And it bugs me that people with children think that it is that easy. Or that they think I will get pregnant right away after adopting - if only it was that easy.

I am so frustrated today. WHY ME? Why do I have to go through this? I am so frustrated with my life today. I just want everything to be o.k. I want to be someone's mommy - it doesn't matter now if it is through adoption or if I become pregnant. I just want to be someone's mommy.