Stuff

Yesterday, I went to a BBQ at a friend's house to meet his new girlfriend. His new girlfriend is planning on moving here from another state and so she's looking for a new job. A friend brought a newspaper and another friend said she would look through the classifieds to help find the girlfriend a job. I jokingly said that she should find a job for me (because I'm starting to look for a different job) and she said you have a job. So apparently, when you have a job, you should just be happy with it for the rest of your life. Never mind that you went to law school and you are not working as an attorney. You have a job that pays good money and has good benefits. The problem is I'm bored with my job - it isn't challenging any more. Sometimes I can't stand the people I work with/for. AND I don't have the title of attorney. That's what I want. I know, crazy talk. Another friend said something like I have everything going for me - job, personal life, etc. Actually, I don't. I really don't like my job and I don't have a baby, do I? So I may be married to a wonderful man, but I do not have all that I want. So what's wrong with at least trying to make one part of my life better so I'm not as miserable all the time?

Speaking of, has anyone ever said to you, "at least your married, so your one step ahead of me" when you say to a single friend that you are sad that you don't have a baby. None of my friends have said this to me, but I've heard others say this on blogs, tv, etc. This just bugs me. Yes, I'm married, but I'm still upset. I want to have children, and I don't have them. Why can't I be upset about that?

Going back to what I said above, even though I would like to have the title of attorney, I think I could actually stand staying in this job for a long time if I ever ended up pregnant. I work only 40 hours a week and I have great benefits. But I don't know how long I can stay at this job hoping I get pregnant when it might never happen.

One Year Ago Today

I was just re-reading some blog entries and came across my entry about my laparoscopy - which was one year ago today. I hadn't realized that it had been that long. I'm hoping to go back to the fertility doctor sometime this fall to discuss what we should do next. I'm afraid that the doctor will say that IVF seems like the only option and I know we can't afford that - when it is something that has no guarantee that it will work.

It scares me that it is a possibliity that we will not have children of our own. It bugs me when it happens to others so easily. It bugs me when people expect it will just happen for them with no problem (as is true of an individual in my vanpool; though to be fair, I probably felt that way once upon a time). It bugs me when people who have children who neglect them or abuse them. These things bug me because of all the stuff that my husband and I have gone through in trying to have kids and I know we will both be good parents - it just shouldn't have to be this hard!

I have been thinking about adoption, but I really want to have children of my own if we can. My grandmother (dad's mom) told my mom the other day that all we need to do is start the adoption process and that's when I'll become pregnant. Maybe it will - maybe it won't. If we do end up adopting, I will care for and love that child as if I had given birth that child myself. He or she will be our son or daughter.

If we end up not having children at all, I will try to come to terms with that. Though after reading Empty Womb, Aching Heart, I realize that the hurt will always be there even when I'm at the end of my life.

Hopefully, everything will work out - whichever way it happens.

Sad...revisited

Remember this post when I wrote about seeing this woman who made me kinda sad? Well, anyway, I saw this woman at the company fun day this past weekend. She's a relative of someone who works here. I just couldn't believe that I saw her and at a water park/amusement park - when I was wearing my swimsuit - when I already feel chubby in it. Seeing her just brought back the feelings that I had that day. I really should exercise. I really think that I would if I could walk/run on a treadmill at home, but I can't really afford one right now. Of course, I say that now, but will it actually happen? Or is that the excuse I'm giving for not working out. It's not like I'm really that busy at work that I couldn't just go work out at lunch. But I really hate working out at work - even if I take a shower, I still feel icky coming back to work after working out. If I wasn't in a vanpool, I could probably work out after work, but I'm in a vanpool so I don't have to drive the 30 miles to and from work. It saves on gas and time (most days - especially when there are baseball games or like today, when it's the first day of rain in while).

So that leaves working out at home - and when I get home, I don't have any motivation to do Tae Bo or whatever, but I think if I had a treadmill, I could walk/run while listening to my own music or watching some tv - which would distract me from the ickiness of working out.

Alright, enough rambling and excuses. I should just work out already.

Failure

I have an incredible feeling of failure. I've (so far) failed in starting a family. I've failed in my career (I may working in the legal department, but I don't have the title of attorney - though I deserve it). I've failed at friendships either at work (I'm definitely not the most popular person at work because I actually work and I am a little shy) or in my personal life (other people I know are much more interesting to hang out with than me). The only thing that is going well is my marriage.

I'm scared that my life will never end up the way I always thought it would - with 2 kids and a career as an attorney. I went to law school and it now seems like it was a big waste of time and money. I am so in debt for something that I'm not doing. I hate myself for that. Why did I think that law school would be a good idea for me? Why? Then not only am I failing in my career, but I'm failing with starting a family. We've been trying for almost four years now. I can't believe it's been that long. I'm depressed that it feels like I have no really close friends - friends that I feel that I can actually confide in and who will be a shoulder for me to cry on. Don't get me wrong, I do have friends - I just don't feel like my friends want to see me cry and hear too much about this stuff, so I normally keep it to myself or write it here.

And speaking of career, when I mentioned I was starting to look for a different job to my friends, one of them said, "aren't you still trying to get pregnant? Wouldn't leaving a job for a new job stress you out? Blah blah blah." Yes, it would stress me out, but am I supposed to stay in this boring job with people who are extremely rude in the hopes that I will get pregnant. What if it never happens? Am I supposed to continue being miserable in most aspects of my life hoping for something that may never come? At least if I find an attorney job I'll at least have that part of my life looking a little brighter.

I really hate feeling this way, but I just can't come right out and tell anyone this, so I just write it in this blog.

So Hard To Hear

Yesterday, I had my in-laws come over. My mother-in-law started talking about my sister-in-law and her pregnancy. She said that K is so tired of being pregnant, and that she just wants her body back. And I kept thinking that I didn't want to hear it - she should just be happy she's pregnant - at least, she can get pregnant in the first place and have a wonderful child in the end. Maybe I'll feel the same way when I'm pregnant, but I really don't want to hear pregnant women complain about being pregnant.

Later, my mother-in-law told a story of someone she knew who had a daughter who got pregnant, had her child, and was neglecting the child, so the child had to be put up for adoption. So people who will treat their children in this way get to have children and I don't??? Why is the universe so screwy? Why does God do this to those of us who are trying so hard to have a child and will raise that child with so much love and will take care of our child? Why? Does anyone have an answer?

Once Again

I had a friend tell me the other day that her sister is pregnant - she's due this October. It's her first child and she's been married for about 2 years. My sister in law is about to have her second child.

I walked by a coworker this morning after dropping something off with another individual and she had been trying for several years - more than 10 - and she finally had her first child this past year. They had decided to take another break, and then she got her little miracle. It gives me hope, but I'm still nervous. I don't know what I'd do if I had been waiting for over 10 years. I will probably go insane if I had to wait that long - and watch, I probably will have to. I don't want to be in my 40s when I have my first child - I don't want to be that old when my children are graduating - it just doesn't seem right. It's going to be interesting if my teenage brothers have children before me - interesting in that I will probably scream if my brothers have children before I do - they're 19 and 16 (almost 17) after all.

Anyway, I'm happy for everyone that get pregnant and have children - I just want it to be me.

Sad

I don't know why, but the past few days I've been feeling a little blue. I saw this woman at the store the other day that was so overweight that she had trouble walking and needed a cane. I just felt so sorry for this woman. It made me cry and it made me wish that I could help her in some way - though I don't know how.

And I guess it also made me feel sad because I have very little motivation myself to exercise so I don't end up that way. I can't even believe I let myself get as chubby as I already am - and I'm just at the brink of what is considered a healthy weight range for my height. Though it may or may not be healthy, I still don't look good in a swimsuit and I'm definitely out of shape.

I promised myself that I would start to work out again this week - well, I woke up with this headache that started yesterday afternoon and finally went away this afternoon. I really think the heat of my house had a lot to do with it. I can only imagine what my kitties must feel. Anyway, I had this headache, and I didn't think I would be able to exercise today. I could have though.

Anyway, I will definitely start working out again tomorrow.I have to. I want to look as good as I possibly can - I want to fit into a pair of pants that are in the single digits - that seems doable since I'm already close to that already.

Have I mentioned that I hate shopping? I was just reminded of that as I write this post. I went shopping and one size would be too tight and the next size up would be too loose. There are no clothes for me - it seems that there are only clothes for those that can fit into a size 2. I used to fit into a size 2 - back in high school - aaah, those were the days. Of course, I have no desire to fit into a size 2 again. A size 7 would be just fine with me.

Now I just have to motivate myself to exercise and eat better, and I should be there. I have already lost 20 pounds before - I can lose another 10 or 15, right? We'll see. Maybe if I lost this weight, I could get pregnant. Of course, more overweight women than myself have gotten pregnant, so I can't really believe that's a big issue - but then again, that could just be the issue with me.

Until next time...