Failure
I have an incredible feeling of failure. I've (so far) failed in starting a family. I've failed in my career (I may working in the legal department, but I don't have the title of attorney - though I deserve it). I've failed at friendships either at work (I'm definitely not the most popular person at work because I actually work and I am a little shy) or in my personal life (other people I know are much more interesting to hang out with than me). The only thing that is going well is my marriage.
I'm scared that my life will never end up the way I always thought it would - with 2 kids and a career as an attorney. I went to law school and it now seems like it was a big waste of time and money. I am so in debt for something that I'm not doing. I hate myself for that. Why did I think that law school would be a good idea for me? Why? Then not only am I failing in my career, but I'm failing with starting a family. We've been trying for almost four years now. I can't believe it's been that long. I'm depressed that it feels like I have no really close friends - friends that I feel that I can actually confide in and who will be a shoulder for me to cry on. Don't get me wrong, I do have friends - I just don't feel like my friends want to see me cry and hear too much about this stuff, so I normally keep it to myself or write it here.
And speaking of career, when I mentioned I was starting to look for a different job to my friends, one of them said, "aren't you still trying to get pregnant? Wouldn't leaving a job for a new job stress you out? Blah blah blah." Yes, it would stress me out, but am I supposed to stay in this boring job with people who are extremely rude in the hopes that I will get pregnant. What if it never happens? Am I supposed to continue being miserable in most aspects of my life hoping for something that may never come? At least if I find an attorney job I'll at least have that part of my life looking a little brighter.
I really hate feeling this way, but I just can't come right out and tell anyone this, so I just write it in this blog.
I'm scared that my life will never end up the way I always thought it would - with 2 kids and a career as an attorney. I went to law school and it now seems like it was a big waste of time and money. I am so in debt for something that I'm not doing. I hate myself for that. Why did I think that law school would be a good idea for me? Why? Then not only am I failing in my career, but I'm failing with starting a family. We've been trying for almost four years now. I can't believe it's been that long. I'm depressed that it feels like I have no really close friends - friends that I feel that I can actually confide in and who will be a shoulder for me to cry on. Don't get me wrong, I do have friends - I just don't feel like my friends want to see me cry and hear too much about this stuff, so I normally keep it to myself or write it here.
And speaking of career, when I mentioned I was starting to look for a different job to my friends, one of them said, "aren't you still trying to get pregnant? Wouldn't leaving a job for a new job stress you out? Blah blah blah." Yes, it would stress me out, but am I supposed to stay in this boring job with people who are extremely rude in the hopes that I will get pregnant. What if it never happens? Am I supposed to continue being miserable in most aspects of my life hoping for something that may never come? At least if I find an attorney job I'll at least have that part of my life looking a little brighter.
I really hate feeling this way, but I just can't come right out and tell anyone this, so I just write it in this blog.
posted by seattlegal @ 10:39 AM
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