One Year Ago Today

I was just re-reading some blog entries and came across my entry about my laparoscopy - which was one year ago today. I hadn't realized that it had been that long. I'm hoping to go back to the fertility doctor sometime this fall to discuss what we should do next. I'm afraid that the doctor will say that IVF seems like the only option and I know we can't afford that - when it is something that has no guarantee that it will work.

It scares me that it is a possibliity that we will not have children of our own. It bugs me when it happens to others so easily. It bugs me when people expect it will just happen for them with no problem (as is true of an individual in my vanpool; though to be fair, I probably felt that way once upon a time). It bugs me when people who have children who neglect them or abuse them. These things bug me because of all the stuff that my husband and I have gone through in trying to have kids and I know we will both be good parents - it just shouldn't have to be this hard!

I have been thinking about adoption, but I really want to have children of my own if we can. My grandmother (dad's mom) told my mom the other day that all we need to do is start the adoption process and that's when I'll become pregnant. Maybe it will - maybe it won't. If we do end up adopting, I will care for and love that child as if I had given birth that child myself. He or she will be our son or daughter.

If we end up not having children at all, I will try to come to terms with that. Though after reading Empty Womb, Aching Heart, I realize that the hurt will always be there even when I'm at the end of my life.

Hopefully, everything will work out - whichever way it happens.