Yet Another Depressing Day

My mom had surgery last week, but she has to have another surgery to get rid of the breast cancer. She's going to have a mastectomy sometime soon. They only did a partial one the other day.

I'm just having a depressing day. I really don't know what is causing me to feel this way. My mom will be fine, I'm sure, so it can't be that. It could be hormones. It could be that it is CD24 and my temp is still low - will my cycle ever be normal? Will I ever have children? Will I ever have a job that I love? Will I ever have friends who truly care about me because it really doesn't feel like I have any today. They really haven't said anything to make me sad or mad - I just woke up today feeling miserable and I feel like I have no one to talk to. Yes, I have my husband but sometimes, I just want someone other than my husband to talk to. Is that bad to feel that way?

I just want to go home and cry, but I can't. I have to be at this hellhole for another 2 hours, then I have an acupuncture appointment tonight.

Maybe it's good that I'm starting the support group next Tuesday - though it may take me a while to let go and really talk about what I'm feeling.

I am so scared of life - I don't know what to do with it. Nothing seems be going the way I had planned, except that I'm married to a wonderful guy and have 2 great kitties. I'm supposed to be a mom by now, have a great career, friends who I feel I can call when I need someone to talk to or friends who feel like they can talk to me. I don't have that. I've never had that. Except with my husband. I should be grateful I have that at least, and I am. I just want more! What's wrong with that?

I need this day to be over. A small part of me wishes this life was over - it is just too hard. I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself. I'm just having a really bad day. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.