What's Going On?

Today is CD 36. I'm feeling a bit nauseous today and I'm also still cramping - though not as bad as yesterday. I'm wondering what's going on? I want to take a pregnancy test, but I'm too scared to. What if it says I'm negative and then AF comes to visit the next day? That's the way it's happened before. And I can't get my hopes up this time. I've done that too many times in the past and AF just shows up a little bit late.

I have a doctor appointment on Monday - mainly to ask for another prescription for allergies and to ask her if I should start having mammograms done since my mom and an aunt have been diagnosed with breast cancer and another aunt has pre-cancerous cells. Maybe when I'm there on Monday, if AF hasn't shown up then, I'll ask for a blood test. But even for me, that's sounds a bit early to check - it's been this late before - and I had my hopes up only to have them crushed. I can't have high hopes this time - it's too dangerous.

I wish I could just know what's going on? I haven't missed AF's visit in a very long time - the last time she didn't come every month as scheduled was way back before I went on birth control pills - probably about 8-9 years ago. Once on bc pills and even after I got off of them, AF has shown up every month - usually around day 31 or 32 though sometimes that varies.

I hate this waiting game. I know I could just take a pregnancy test and just find out, but if I didn't have these cramps, I just might - but these cramps just feel like AF cramps.

However, when at a friend's baby shower almost 10 months ago, someone asked her if she felt different when she first found out - did she know that she was pregnant? She said no not really. She started to feel cramps like she usually does, and she remembers thinking that either she will have AF visit soon or something else was going on. Well, obviously, it turns out something else was going on. I hope that this is the case with me. I daydream about our kids being the best of friends growing up because they would be so close in age. I daydream about being pregnant and finally telling my family after 4 long years, that we finally are pregnant. I daydream about giving birth to our child...our beautiful child. I daydream about so much when it comes to our child. I really should stop doing this because it just makes my hopes go even higher, but it's hard not to when you've wanted this for so long.

I forgot to mention yesterday that a friend from college who I haven't talked to in a while said that she is 7 months pregnant. I am so happy for her - maybe our children can be the best of friends too. :-)

If Only...

Well, today is day 35 of my cycle. Usually I have a 31 or 32 day cycle, but this cycle has been really weird. My temp has fluctuated so much this cycle that I would find it a miracle if I ended up pregnant this month. Well, I would find it a miracle if I ended up pregnant any month no matter if I have a wacky cycle or not. I was starting to think maybe, but then cramps starting coming yesterday and again today. Why did I have to start thinking maybe? How foolish of me? I'm hoping that the cramps are due to other issues, but that's just wishful thinking. Wow, the cramps are really starting to hurt now. Why can't it happen? I just want at least one child. other people get a dozen kids and I can't have one? What is wrong with this world? My husband and I will be wonderful parents - I know we will, but yet, God continues to let us down. Each month is another disappointment. What am I supposed to learn from this? That other women are better than me? Seriously, what is the lesson here? How am I supposed to learn from this if I don't even know what God is trying to teach me? Is He trying to teach me faith? It's been 4 years already - I have faith each month will be our month but that faith is starting to get a bit low because I get disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. If anyone knows what the lesson is - please share with me - because I really need to know.

A friend of mine found out that her sister is pregnant. That's really great for her. It's her first child and my friend's first niece or nephew. It really is good to be an aunt. I wish I lived closer to my nieces and nephews. I have 2 nieces and 2 nephews on my side of the family (all my sister's kids) and 1 niece and a 1 newborn nephew on my husband's side of the family (his brother's kids). My sister lives in Spokane and his brother lives in San Diego, so we don't get to see them that much.

However, it would be really good to be a mother too.

God - I know you are waiting for the right time for us. Please help me find my way through this pain and to understand that You know best and that You know the right time for us. I pray that day will come soon. Each month becomes progressively harder and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Thank you for looking over us. Amen.

Hey ya!

Hey there. Well, I just turned 32 this past week and I am still not pregnant. Read more about my b-day here. BUT, a friend from college just told me she's 7 1/2 months pregnant (I haven't talked to her in a while)! And at my birthday party, a friend came who is pregnant (she doesn't know that we've been trying forever). So once again, I hear about all these women being pregnant but not me! Am I ever going to get to join this club? I want to be pregnant. I want to be a mother.

God, if you're there, I've been waiting so long now. If you could let this be the right time for us to get pregnant, it would make me so happy. I need some part of my life to brighten up - I hate my job, I hate that I'm 20 pounds over my ideal weight and so I look like a pig, and most of all, I hate that I'm not a mother yet. I need something to work out in my life. I don't want to complain God because I know that my life is so much better than others, but that doesn't make my life happy. God, I appreciate the life you've given me. I have a wonderful husband and 2 wonderful kitties and a family that supports me (most of the time), but I don't feel whole. There is a huge gap in my life - I need something to fill that gap and that something that I know that would fill that gap the best is a baby of my own. Thank you. Amen.

It's Been a While

It's been a while since my last post. I tend to blog more on my other blog than this one. My other blog at least has some happy thoughts on it. This one, I tend to leave for when I'm feeling less than happy or to write about my feelings on infertility. Well, today is no exception.

My mother-in-law called the other day on my cell phone to inform us that we have a brand new nephew. He was born on Saturday night. Well, this isn't surprising - we knew she was going to give birth around this time. However, my mother-in-law was just completely giddy that she was there for the birth of her grandson (she wasn't there for the birth of her granddaughter as my husband's brother lived in Estonia at the time). I'm happy for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, but it just made me feel crappy. She's apparently only giddy when she has grandchildren. Well, my mom is like that too a little. O.K. a lot. What if I'm never able to give that to her? It makes me feel like a huge failure. She'll never be giddy when it comes to me. I probably won't be able to give her a grandchild. That just depresses me. There's obviously something wrong with me than what we already know, and if we don't know what it is, how can we attempt to fix it?

I tried to not let it get to me, but then we came back home last night and she had left like 4 giddy messages on our home phone wondering where we were at (we were out of town) and why we weren't calling to congratulate my brother-in-law. Well, mainly we didn't call because we were out of town and busy enjoying our vacation, but does she have any idea how much this hurts me? Her giddiness especially getting to me. She has no idea how much pain I'm in. No idea. She knows we are trying. That I've gone through surgery to have a child. That we've tried IUI. I kinda just wish she could tone it down a little when it comes to me. I know - how selfish of me. But it's how I feel. I understand she's happy, but try to put yourself in my shoes for a little bit.

Anyway, I should probably stop writing. I'm just getting myself all upset again. Until next time...