It's Been a While

It's been a while since my last post. I tend to blog more on my other blog than this one. My other blog at least has some happy thoughts on it. This one, I tend to leave for when I'm feeling less than happy or to write about my feelings on infertility. Well, today is no exception.

My mother-in-law called the other day on my cell phone to inform us that we have a brand new nephew. He was born on Saturday night. Well, this isn't surprising - we knew she was going to give birth around this time. However, my mother-in-law was just completely giddy that she was there for the birth of her grandson (she wasn't there for the birth of her granddaughter as my husband's brother lived in Estonia at the time). I'm happy for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, but it just made me feel crappy. She's apparently only giddy when she has grandchildren. Well, my mom is like that too a little. O.K. a lot. What if I'm never able to give that to her? It makes me feel like a huge failure. She'll never be giddy when it comes to me. I probably won't be able to give her a grandchild. That just depresses me. There's obviously something wrong with me than what we already know, and if we don't know what it is, how can we attempt to fix it?

I tried to not let it get to me, but then we came back home last night and she had left like 4 giddy messages on our home phone wondering where we were at (we were out of town) and why we weren't calling to congratulate my brother-in-law. Well, mainly we didn't call because we were out of town and busy enjoying our vacation, but does she have any idea how much this hurts me? Her giddiness especially getting to me. She has no idea how much pain I'm in. No idea. She knows we are trying. That I've gone through surgery to have a child. That we've tried IUI. I kinda just wish she could tone it down a little when it comes to me. I know - how selfish of me. But it's how I feel. I understand she's happy, but try to put yourself in my shoes for a little bit.

Anyway, I should probably stop writing. I'm just getting myself all upset again. Until next time...