If Only...

Well, today is day 35 of my cycle. Usually I have a 31 or 32 day cycle, but this cycle has been really weird. My temp has fluctuated so much this cycle that I would find it a miracle if I ended up pregnant this month. Well, I would find it a miracle if I ended up pregnant any month no matter if I have a wacky cycle or not. I was starting to think maybe, but then cramps starting coming yesterday and again today. Why did I have to start thinking maybe? How foolish of me? I'm hoping that the cramps are due to other issues, but that's just wishful thinking. Wow, the cramps are really starting to hurt now. Why can't it happen? I just want at least one child. other people get a dozen kids and I can't have one? What is wrong with this world? My husband and I will be wonderful parents - I know we will, but yet, God continues to let us down. Each month is another disappointment. What am I supposed to learn from this? That other women are better than me? Seriously, what is the lesson here? How am I supposed to learn from this if I don't even know what God is trying to teach me? Is He trying to teach me faith? It's been 4 years already - I have faith each month will be our month but that faith is starting to get a bit low because I get disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. If anyone knows what the lesson is - please share with me - because I really need to know.

A friend of mine found out that her sister is pregnant. That's really great for her. It's her first child and my friend's first niece or nephew. It really is good to be an aunt. I wish I lived closer to my nieces and nephews. I have 2 nieces and 2 nephews on my side of the family (all my sister's kids) and 1 niece and a 1 newborn nephew on my husband's side of the family (his brother's kids). My sister lives in Spokane and his brother lives in San Diego, so we don't get to see them that much.

However, it would be really good to be a mother too.

God - I know you are waiting for the right time for us. Please help me find my way through this pain and to understand that You know best and that You know the right time for us. I pray that day will come soon. Each month becomes progressively harder and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Thank you for looking over us. Amen.