Thoughts on "Unsung Lullabies" #2

I just finished reading Unsung Lullabies, and I just had a few thoughts on some of the things that they said. My thoughts are a bit jumbled - just a warning!

First of all, I am really glad that I read this book.

One of the main things that I got out of the book is that thoughts that we have, like being jealous of pregnant women; not wanting to go to baby showers or kid's birthday parties; feeling guilt over our infertility; making decisions on the hope that a baby will come; feeling selfish for wanting our own biological child and using ART to get there; etc., this is all normal to feel (though not everyone will have these thoughts as each person handles this struggle differently). It is normal to be angry and bitter and jealous and irritated and sad and ready to cry at the smallest things. After all, infertility is hard to go through. When each of us grew up, we never expected our lives to be like this - we expected to get pregnant with no problem because that is what women do. So when our life plans take a detour, it is only natural to be upset by it.

There were points in the book that made me think of my own story on this infertility rollercoaster. One of those points is dealing with family get-togethers and feeling like children still because we don't have children of our own. Basically, we feel left out of the parent club. I have an aunt who, in the past, has made different gifts for the mothers for mother's day. One time I was back at home in Spokane around Mother's Day and I think the gift was a blanket, and it made me feel so bad that I wasn't being given this gift too. Then another time, after we had just got our 2nd kitty, I was talking to my mom and how she told my uncle about us getting another kitty, and he said, without knowing our struggle, "Another cat? Why don't they have a kid?" or something like that. It just made me feel awful. This book talks about dealing with these situations - though I'm not sure what I could have said in either situation.

Whatever we do while we are struggling with infertility, we will question we are making the right decision. I've already touched on this in a recent post, so I won't go into it much more, but I did want to talk about how they said one of the things we will naturally question is our belief in God. There have been so many times that I have wondered if there really is a God, and if there is, why is He letting this happen to me? Why does He let this happen to so many wonderful couples? Why does He let some people have children who will abuse them in some way? This afternoon, I read a story about a parent who put their child into a dryer! How is crap like this not supposed to question my belief in God? The point they made with this is that everyone who has a belief in God will naturally start to question their faith, especially as you go further on this rollercoaster ride.

Another point in the book was when they were talking about our desire to have a baby rush into our arms when they were scared or just wanted some love. It reminded me of this time not too long ago when my almost 4 year old niece got scared and came running up the stairs at my parents' place and came running into my arms. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but that feeling when she came running to me to console her just made it even stronger. One of the women that they quote in the book said it perfectly - each month is like we experience a "little death" when AF shows up.


Another topic that they talk about is whether or not we are being selfish for using ART. I know I've thought about this, but I just cannot give up on my hopes to get pregnant. Not yet. They say that although "adoption is a wonderful choice", the choice to go there shouldn't be made because we are feeling guilty for wanting to experience pregnancy. It wouldn't be fair to the baby we adopt and it wouldn't be fair to us. I have to say that reading this made me feel better about this whole process.

And after we get pregnant, there is still so much that we worry about. We don't feel as if we are out of the woods even after we get that positive beta result. I know I won't feel that I've truly made it off the rollercoaster until I have my baby in my arms. And even then, the grief that we went through while going through infertility will hit us very hard - infertility will always be a part of us.

One of the last points I want to bring up is that they talk about it is o.k. to vent - it is normal to vent, so my venting the other day - the book said it was o.k.:-D Not only is it o.k. - it is to be expected and to be encouraged even! They said it isn't good to keep your feelings inside, so good thing for blogs, support groups, family members and friends who are willing to listen! Speaking of...I guess there is one more thing I want to say...one part of the book a woman talks about feeling as if her friends are sick of hearing all about her struggle with infertility. I often wonder that too, but I suppose they don't need to read this blog if they are sick of hearing about it!

Anyway, I would recommend this book to anyone going through infertility or even friends or family members of those going through infertility. Now, I'm going to continue reading the Couples' Guide to IVF! I got a little sidetracked with the Lullabies book!