Adoption

The other day I found myself looking at an adoption center website that I got to through an infertility website (I can't remember which one). Before I went to the site, I thought adoption would be fine, but actually looking at the site and requesting information scared me to death. By considering adoption, am I giving up trying to get pregnant myself? I'm not ready to give that up yet. I'm not sure I'll ever be. But part of me thinks that I should look into adoption now because it can take so long and because I'll need to save up for it. And because I'm not getting any younger. I don't want to be in my 40s when I have my first child. I really didn't want to be in my 30s either.

How is it that I'm the only one in my family who is having trouble getting pregnant? Is it because I started trying when I was 28 instead of age 18 like a lot of people in my family, with the exception of, I think, one aunt who had her first child at 26 or 27. It's depressing.

Anyway, the thought of adoption scares me. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a child with my husband that is our own. What if "they" don't think I'll be a good mother and "they" won't let me adopt a child? And all that's involved with adopting a child. Not only all the paperwork and the home visits, but the fact that one day you'll have to tell your child that he/she is adopted. That scares me for many different reasons that I can't quite articulate. I just wish things were easier. I just wish that I was normal and that I could get pregnant (more on this later).