Desperately Seeking Baby...Babies Found

My thoughts on raising twins and a singleton after infertility.

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Monday, April 02, 2007

Emotional Today (well, everyday) (25 weeks)

For those of who are still trying to conceive – this probably isn’t the post for you…

I’m sitting here at work crying. I can’t stop the tears from coming down, which sucks since I’m at work!!! I am seriously freaked out about finding a good day care for a price that we can afford and now someone is basically telling me we’re selfish for having to go to a day care. We want these children so badly. We would love to stay home with them, but that just isn’t a realistic option for us. Did we make the wrong decision to go forward with IVF and go forward with having twins or even one baby at all? Some people think we're bad people for using IVF when I could “just adopt” or live child-free and now we're bad people for having to put my infants into a day care? I hope that everyone realizes how hard this will be for me. What if I make the wrong decision and place them in a day care that will be bad for them emotionally or physically? I’ve already made several poor decisions in my life (there are only a few good ones), including going to law school and taking out loans to pay for it all, so it is all too likely I will make another poor decision.

I’m already freaked out about having everything done for these babies for when they come and freaked out about taking care of them especially when I’m at home alone, do I need something else to be freaked out about?

Well, maybe if I write about something positive, then maybe I stop being so emotional. Over the weekend, I went to a friend’s baby shower and her cutie pie son was there (he’s about 7 weeks old). Holding him in my arms was so wonderful. Another friend brought her almost 3-week-old son with her and he is such a cutie pie too. It was a really fun baby shower. I look forward to going to another friend’s shower on the 14th. I have my first shower this coming weekend that I’m looking forward to – though my body is not so much looking forward to the drive over to Spokane.

The visit with Jon’s parents on Saturday was good too. Jon and his dad put together the other crib. Now we just need the rest of the room done and we’ll be set. There is no way I’m getting the house ready by 30 weeks as people have suggested we do. I’m at 25 weeks now and most weekends this month will be busy, as will the weekdays. Luckily, even though Jon is back in class as of tonight, he’s only in class 2 nights a week. Sunday’s CPR class was good – though scary. The safety part of the class was good too in that she told us what things aren’t needed so I took some things off my registry. We also picked up some things from a professor at Jon’s work – some girl clothes and some other things (we haven’t looked through everything yet) – so that was really nice. Then after that, we went and played some Wii games at a friend’s house. My favorite was bowling and cow racing. :-)

I just felt one of the babies move… still love that feeling so much – I just hope I can be a good mom to them.

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  • At 3:06 PM , Blogger Jaimie said...

    It's okay. Your not a bad person. There aren't too many of us out there that CAN stay home with our baby/babies. Most people who think others should "just adopt" don't have a freaking clue how hard it is and how expensive it can be.

    I have a daycare I want and I am using all of my powers to get my baby into it. Like you, I would rather be the one taking care of my baby, but that isn't an option at this time. I am still working on finding a second choice if I can't get the first one locked in. It is hard to find someone you want to trust something so precious with. I just keep asking people I know and looking into their recommendations. I still can't believe the largest employer in town with almost 1000 employees, 2/3's of them women, doesn't have a freaking daycare.

    I keep crying for no known reason. I feel so silly.

  • At 5:13 PM , Blogger ak1908 said...

    Don't for one second let some clueless fertile make you think that you don't deserve the two little miracles inside of you or that you are going to be a bad mom, because it is simply not true. You're gonna be a fantastic mommy and you will make the right decisions for your children. There are few people in our society who can afford to have one parent stay at home. As for the adoption piece, only clueless people think that adoption should be used as a surrogate for infertility. I, as someone who still intends to adopt even after we have a bio child, can't imagine for one second that adoption will quiet or make go away my desire to experience pregnancy and a biological connection to my child. Who decided that all infertiles should adopt anyway?!?!

    You instinctually know what is best for your little ones so follow your gut. The right day care will come along in due time. No pun intended:)

    Take care of yourself and get some rest girl. You've been going nonstop since your bfp!!!

  • At 8:08 PM , Anonymous Kelly said...

    I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry so much about other people's opinions. You know, "everyone's an expert" and all that. Only you two know what's right for you in your situation. There is nothing wrong with what you are planning. Whatever you decide is the best option for you.

  • At 6:26 AM , Blogger Krista said...

    You are not a bad mom because you are looking for daycare. Most families cannot afford a stay at home parent. And you are a very good mom for being conscious of wanting to pick a good daycare. I am sure you will find one.

    I feel going to law school was one of the poor choices I made to.

    Can't wait to hear about the shower.

  • At 7:44 AM , Blogger caba said...

    ugh! people make me so mad. I'm 36w1d pregnant with boy/girl twins, and we were freaking out about the cost of day care ... luckily, we had a family member step up and offer to be our nanny. She has triplets that will be starting school full time, so she is feeling empty nest syndrome. We feel good about it, cause she knows how to deal with multiples. But it's a less expensive option for us than day care, and it is family. But if she decides it is just too much for her, we will be putting them in day care.

    I had someone say to me "oh, you say you will go back to work now, but wait till the babies arrive. You'll end up staying home." ... and my response was "Are you going to pay my mortgage??" ...

    It's so frustrating ... in a perfect world, I wouldn't have been infertile, I wouldn't have had to spend $22K trying to get pregnant, I would be a millionaire, and I would be able to stay home with my kids. But that's not my world. And I actually really love my world. I'm married to a great guy and I have 2 beautiful babies on the way. Just like you.

    So screw all the people who make careless and insensitive comments. They've never walked a day in your shoes. And to judge you in anyway is just wrong.

    Sorry so long. I just know how it feels. Take care of yourself!

  • At 12:46 PM , Blogger Emmie said...

    I too am shocked at how opinionated people are about my decision--no need--to go back to work. Before any of my friends started having babies, two of my male friends started lecturing me about how I needed to learn not to rely on my salary so much the way they were doing so that their wives could stay home when they had kids. Otherwise, we shouldn't bother having kids, they said. Well guess what--both of these know-it-alls needed their wives to go back to work in order to pay the bills. And they use day care.


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