I am grateful...
I am grateful that my life is a good one.
I am grateful that I have the most wondeful husband a gal could ask for.
I am grateful that I have my 2 wonderful kitties.
I am grateful that I have good friends both online and off.
I am grateful that I have a well-paying job and own my home.
I am grateful for so much.
I know that I don't have cancer (like my mom who is fighting breast cancer - she's doing well - no more chemo - she's moving onto radiation now).
I know that I don't have a sister who is dying because of her advanced bone cancer (like a friend of mine).
I know that my father isn't in the last stages of Alzheimer's while also fighting cancer (like a coworker of mine).
I am sad that my mom is going through all of this. I can't imagine losing her. I still need her and I'm 32 years old. I am so sad that my friend is losing her sister (I need my sister just as much as I need my mom), and that my coworker (who is also my friend) may be losing her father soon (though my father isn't the most talkative, I couldn't imagine losing him either).
I know that my life is good, but yet, I am still sad that I am going through infertility. I hate going through this, and it is all unfair. Pregnant woman after pregnant woman surround me at work, it seems like. I can't escape it.
As I was leaving work yesterday, I walk out of our lobby doors out to meet my vanpool, and vanpool girl was walking a few steps in front of me. She suddently stops at the security desk to announce rather loudly and with the hugest grin on her face that she is pregnant to another female employee. As if that wasn't enough, the female employee happily announces back that she is also expecting a baby. It really is just me that can't seem to have a baby at this company, isn't it?
I really don't want to be upset by this because like I said above, I have a good life. But I'm missing something, and that something is a baby. I can't escape my desire to be a mother - my desire to be pregnant with a baby that is a combination of my husband and I. I want to be happy for other women who get pregnant without any kind of help, but it's too hard. I just wish some people who aren't going through this would understand. I am grateful that my health is relatively good. I am grateful that my mother is doing well. I am grateful for all of my friends. I am grateful for so much. I don't want to seem that I am ungrateful for what I have. I'm just not happy when something I've wanted for so long feels like it is happening to others, but not me.
One nice thing that has happened recently is that my coworker (the one I mentioned above) thought of me when she went to a local drugstore yesterday. She saw a Clear*blue*Fertility*Monitor for 75% off. She got it for me after she called and asked if I wanted it (of course, at $45, I couldn't turn it down). I've wanted one for so long, but never got one for various reasons. I am excited to start using it next cycle.
This cycle is being so weird (what's new?) that I don't know what's going on. I thought I ovulated, but my temp is still on the lower side and fertility friend doesn't think I ovulated. We'll see. Today is CD21.
I am grateful that I have the most wondeful husband a gal could ask for.
I am grateful that I have my 2 wonderful kitties.
I am grateful that I have good friends both online and off.
I am grateful that I have a well-paying job and own my home.
I am grateful for so much.
I know that I don't have cancer (like my mom who is fighting breast cancer - she's doing well - no more chemo - she's moving onto radiation now).
I know that I don't have a sister who is dying because of her advanced bone cancer (like a friend of mine).
I know that my father isn't in the last stages of Alzheimer's while also fighting cancer (like a coworker of mine).
I am sad that my mom is going through all of this. I can't imagine losing her. I still need her and I'm 32 years old. I am so sad that my friend is losing her sister (I need my sister just as much as I need my mom), and that my coworker (who is also my friend) may be losing her father soon (though my father isn't the most talkative, I couldn't imagine losing him either).
I know that my life is good, but yet, I am still sad that I am going through infertility. I hate going through this, and it is all unfair. Pregnant woman after pregnant woman surround me at work, it seems like. I can't escape it.
As I was leaving work yesterday, I walk out of our lobby doors out to meet my vanpool, and vanpool girl was walking a few steps in front of me. She suddently stops at the security desk to announce rather loudly and with the hugest grin on her face that she is pregnant to another female employee. As if that wasn't enough, the female employee happily announces back that she is also expecting a baby. It really is just me that can't seem to have a baby at this company, isn't it?
I really don't want to be upset by this because like I said above, I have a good life. But I'm missing something, and that something is a baby. I can't escape my desire to be a mother - my desire to be pregnant with a baby that is a combination of my husband and I. I want to be happy for other women who get pregnant without any kind of help, but it's too hard. I just wish some people who aren't going through this would understand. I am grateful that my health is relatively good. I am grateful that my mother is doing well. I am grateful for all of my friends. I am grateful for so much. I don't want to seem that I am ungrateful for what I have. I'm just not happy when something I've wanted for so long feels like it is happening to others, but not me.
One nice thing that has happened recently is that my coworker (the one I mentioned above) thought of me when she went to a local drugstore yesterday. She saw a Clear*blue*Fertility*Monitor for 75% off. She got it for me after she called and asked if I wanted it (of course, at $45, I couldn't turn it down). I've wanted one for so long, but never got one for various reasons. I am excited to start using it next cycle.
This cycle is being so weird (what's new?) that I don't know what's going on. I thought I ovulated, but my temp is still on the lower side and fertility friend doesn't think I ovulated. We'll see. Today is CD21.
posted by seattlegal @ 1:01 PM
7 Comments:
At 3:17 PM ,
Lisa said...
I know we're all grateful to not be "seriously" ill, but we still suffer a tremendous amount of pain. People just don't understand.
At 6:39 PM ,
Ladybug Ann said...
Wanting a baby is not about being ungrateful. It's about feeling complete and longing for that missing piece in your life. People just think that it's easy to "get over" and "move on". It's not easy, some people don't get that.
Good luck with the monitor. I really like using mine.
At 7:23 PM ,
Anonymous said...
I always felt like being sad/depressed about IF meant I was ungrateful for all the other wonderful things in my life. It's a painful thing no matter what else is in your life. But it can be nice to remind yourself of the good stuff on occassion.
I hope your mom continues to do well.
At 6:45 AM ,
Mary Ellen and Steve said...
It sounds like you appreciate all of the good things in your life, so you should not feel bad about longing for a baby. It is completely natural. I think that somtimes it is hard for people who have not experienced IF to understand what it is like to want a baby so badly, and to do everything in your power to have one to no avail. Infertility is so devastating.
I hope that all of us get our wishes soon. It is so unfair that anyone should have to go through this.
I also hope that your fertility monitor works for you. Good luck!!
At 5:50 AM ,
x said...
If it wasn't for infertility I would have a very good life, certainly not worthy of any complaints - thanks for reminding me of that.
Have fun with the monitor, I like anything that makes me feel more involved.
At 4:31 PM ,
ColourYourWorld said...
I hear you girl !
Pregnant women eveywhere around me also.
My mum is also fighting cancer and I often get upset thinking that she may not be around when it finally does happen for us.
I hope she is doing ok.
At 10:58 AM ,
Elle Darcy said...
I always feel awful for being uninterested and jealous of pregnant ladies. My pregnant sister-in-law was telling me about some back pain she is having that is (apparently) excruciating and I almost said, "that sort of makes me glad I can't have children" but I thought better of it before I opened my stupid mouth. Pregnant women are just happy and don't think about how painful that can be for us non-pregnant gals. But it's not their fault, so I really do try to be interested and sympathetic because I would want someone to respond to me that way.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home